Living Two Lives - Book 22

Chapter 1

As it turned out Freya and Jim were going to the Opera at Covent Garden that night and so they all shared a cab into the centre of the city. Andrew got out at Leicester Square where he had arranged to meet Helena. It was fascinating how seamlessly they carried on as soon as they met. It was more than four months since he had seen her and it seemed like it wasn’t even four days.

“You are looking well. How is life in publishing?”

“Busy, more tiring than I thought it would be but fun nonetheless. What would make a huge difference is finding somewhere to live. Or somewhere to live that is not awful or expensive or both. That will make a big difference. You know what I am like, not the best first thing in the morning. And now I have to get myself up after all these years of the human alarm clock. I am always on the lookout for somewhere and I just have to stay positive. Once I am in the city, on the Tube rather than British Rail then it will be fine. I have crashed at people’s houses occasionally but I can’t make that too much of a habit, especially at the Christmas season. I should stop complaining it is hardly the end of the world. I have a job that is paying more than I thought I would be getting, I just need somewhere to stay. The work is fine, quite intensive and really interesting.”

“So you edit books or manuscripts all day?”

“Hardly. Remember the assistant part to my title. I work with three other editorial assistants and the four of us support two editors and one of the directors. There is a lot of common sense, a lot of banging heads together, a lot of hand holding to get things complete. It is a real range of tasks. But the one thing I have not done yet is edit anything. It is all the parts round the publishing process that we all deal with. Liaising with the writers and authors, royalty agreements, the physical act of publishing, distribution agreements, returns and remainders. All the different parts of the industry. I have been out to Heathrow twice and Gatwick once to meet and greet authors as they arrive in the country. It has been quite the busy three months.”

“It sounds fascinating, and interesting. Are you enjoying it?”

“I am loving it. I am surrounded, immersed in the world of the written word. Everyone treats books as so important, writing as so important. I am really enjoying it.”

“What about your own writing?”

“The first six or eight weeks were tough, just settling in, finding my feet, and I was tired constantly. But the last month I have started to use the journey home as a time to think about stuff, jot some ideas down. It is too busy, too crowded, on the journey so is not conducive to actually writing but this morning for instance I went down to the local library and wrote for a couple of hours.”

“Why the library?”

Helena made a face.

“Just a bit of peace and quiet from Mum and Dad. I don’t think they are trying to drive me insane, they are just naturals at it! Returning to the family home while necessary until I can find a place has not been easy.”

Andrew looked at her quizzically.

“I know that you have completely moved away from your parents but mine still treat me as if I am a schoolgirl. Endless questions, endless complaining about, well whatever they can think of to moan at me about.”

She sighed.

“That is unfair but I swear I can see the speech bubble above Dad’s head, ‘my house, my rules’. It just gets wearing. I could cope on breaks or I wasn’t as round as much but with my little brother away at university himself now I am Mum’s sole focus. Never mind, ignore me, listen to me moaning about things. Tell me about life at Cambridge, what’s the news?”

Andrew filled her in on life that term, trying to capture all the little moments that had happened so far.

“So Pedro and Justin are worse than ever?”

“That is one way of looking at it. But Justin I think it was, said the Freshers are turning up looking to be hunted. Remember how Emma tried to hook up with me three years ago, but she did it badly and sober at dinnertime as opposed to drunk at 1.00 in the morning. How it was as if she had a list of things she needed to do. Well that attitude is even more prevalent. If you don’t get falling down drunk and have a couple of random one night stands then you are just not getting into the spirit of things!”

“Crap, it is not that bad.”

“Sure, that is full of generalisation and stereotype but it is also fundamentally true. Of course it is not everyone, maybe it is not even the majority but there are a lot of students both at Trinity and at the other Colleges where it is 100% accurate.”

“Wow. Although people in glass houses and all that.”

Helena giggled.

“I know, listen to me sounding like a right old fart, that was us three years ago. Although in our case neither of us were drunk and is was what? 100 nights? 75?”

They both sat and did a quick count.

“Something like that. It doesn’t matter. I even took you to a wedding for goodness sake.”

“That’s right. Am I the only person that has been to Edinburgh?”

“Yes you are. I have lived and worked in London all three summers and have never reciprocated all the hospitality I got.”

“Who have you stayed with?”

“You, Nigel and Justin the first Christmas, and I have been back to Justin’s twice since, as well as seeing him for the day a couple of other times as well. Pedro and I only got as far as Paris as his parents had moved, I was with Matt at New Year in 2^nd year and Abi straight afterward. It is only Justin I have stayed with more than once. You spent a lot of weekends with Navya and Abi, right?”

“Yes I did. Mr. and Mrs. Rai were always very pleasant to me. Unlike poor old Matt.”

“You heard about that?”

“Navya called me a couple of evenings later when her parents were out and had a right old moan. I think she was pretty embarrassed by her mother. Did Matt mention anything about it?”

“They both talked about it, but Matt was really low key. I think she made the worst of her comments in Hindi so although he knows she had some issues I think he is choosing to ignore the worst of them. The truth is the pair of them are in love, and are ready to deal with all the hassles that come from being a mixed race couple. His family have been very supportive and if there are comments at College then they are behind their back. I think they will be the first wedding among our College friends. Unless you have anything to share?”

Helena needed to learn to pull her punches.

“Ouch.”

“Serves you right. That was just unkind. It is another reason to get a place in the city. When you are at university you are never sure if you are maturing or not. The presumption is that you are, but you are too close to it to know for sure. Well returning to Hampshire showed me I had changed even compared to people who graduated from other universities. I don’t know, they were all a bit blah. So no, I don’t think I will beat Nav and Matt to the alter. What about you?”

Helena looked at him with unfeigned interest.

“You know me.”

“That’s it? Come on, crack open the door and share a secret.”

He laughed.

“Force of habit, you know how I am. Catherine and I are doing the same thing as Meredith and I did last year. It has been an interesting transition.”

“How do you mean?”

“Meredith was Olivia’s friend at Newnham, I had seen her around for months and she was often with us in the Library studying away at the end of 2^nd year. So I had a sense of her as a person. It felt, it feels more dispassionate with Catherine, I don’t think I know her as a person yet.”

“Do you think it will work out?”

“At the beginning I wasn’t sure but now I think it will last the whole year. But it is very different.”

“Don’t stop, don’t make me drag it out of you one sentence at a time.”

“Alright, you don’t need to keep hitting me.”

He gathered his thoughts.

“The sex is different. She needs less, and comes across as afraid to let herself go. She is much more like Abi was than you or Meredith. You and Merry were two very different people but sexually you were very similar. You enjoyed sex and you gorged on it. We gorged on it. When we fucked it was not once and then we were done, it was until we were drained, sore, exhausted, pick the word. She is not like that. But what I have found is she is much more like you in the conversations. Remember in 2^nd year we would talk about life after university, how we would cope with life. Moving for jobs, schooling, both people working and trying to raise kids, all these sorts of things. Well with Catherine we have started to talk more in the evening. Last week we had a long talk about politics for example.”

“Gorge on sex?”

“Endlessly indulge then if it makes you feel better. It is something I have thought about in the mornings while swimming. Sex is important to me, I like fucking. But Catherine being more, I don’t know, careful rather than carefree has made me consider what I want from somebody.”

“This is interesting, Carry on.”

“How to try and explain this. It is some combination of pushing and even breaking taboos together with having someone who mentally engages and thrives off fantasies. And the fantasies can be both ones that they would love to do as well as the more outrageous ones that stay firmly in the realm of fantasy.”

“Can you give me an example?”

“Lots. Anal sex, period sex, being tied up, tying someone up, highly inappropriate language, a hooker fantasy. All of these would be considered pushing or breaking taboos. I have done a lot of them with you, done most of them with Merry and have done them all with various partners over the years. Do I want my wife to have period sex with me every month? No, but at the same time I want a woman who will consider it, isn’t freaked out by it, and the fact that I want to do it with her, turns her on. I want an engaged sexual partner who is prepared to try anything, just like I am prepared to do almost anything with her. Does any of that make sense?”

“So it is not just seeing your wife as a sex object, you want your wife to see you as a sex object?”

“That is a way of looking at it. Remember you had these long rambles where you worried about how to be a professional woman with a career in the 1980s but at the same time still be a woman. I think that is a key part of it as well. Just because I treat her one way in the bedroom, and not all the time, does not mean that I don’t respect her and her career. That seems to be one of the main reasons that Catherine is more careful in bed. She is worried about being judged, even when I am in no position to judge.”

Andrew shrugged. Helena sat thinking about what he said for a couple of moments.

“Just the way you were talking about all that was echoing in my head, it touched a nerve. We talked about that, you are right. We talked about how I loved that when we fucked it was mutual and most of the time you let me set the pace but also the inherent contradiction of just wanting you to take me every now and again. It is absurd, how can you know when I want you to act that way, without me giving some kind of exaggerated signal.”

Helena sighed nut Andrew nodded in agreement.

“That might be the apex of ultimate fantasies, Helena. A partner who knows you so well, can read you so well that he or she instinctively or intuitively knows what is the right approach.”

“Yes, that really is just fantasy. Do you think you will find that person?”

“No idea.”

Helena looked at him, her face a very alluring mixture of wholesome and alluring.

“What am I thinking right now?”

Andrew leaned in and whispered in her ear.

“You are thinking that you should have been more thorough in your bathing.”

Helena gasped but rather than express outrage she just blushed instead.

“My room at the flat has an ensuite.”

“We are going to go back to Lord Barnes’ flat?”

“Well it is that or walk down to The Savoy and check in with no baggage.”

“Don’t sit there looking so smug. Did you think this was the way the evening was going to unfold?”

Rather than answer her Andrew went to the bar and got them two more drinks before returning to their little corner table. Although it was awkward and looked really naff, he wedged himself into the corner and guided Helena back against him. It was the public version of a couple snuggled together on the couch. But what it meant was Andrew could whisper in her ear.

“Did I expect this? No, but I would be lying if the thought hadn’t crossed my mind. If you had moved on, been seeing someone, anything like that, then I would have had a fun evening with you, kissed you goodnight and nothing else would happen. But that is not the case. Instead I get to sit here with you and tease you, whisper things to you, a verbal Trojan Horse. And in some ways, it is too easy. You know how much of a devil I can be. Just me sitting here whispering like this to you, it has you all flustered. Your imagination is already racing ahead, excited by, and yet at the same time worried, what I am going to whisper to you.”

Andrew stopped and swallowed some beer.

“What do you want me to say to you? How do you want me to challenge you? Maybe it is nothing more than you are a beautiful woman that deserves to be ravished thoroughly, properly, completely. Drink up.”

It took Helena a second to realise the last thing was a command but the gin and tonic was gone before Andrew finished his beer. They headed out into the November evening, Helena grabbed his hand and they walked down to Charing Cross Tube Station. 22 minutes later Andrew closed and locked his bedroom door behind them. Helena looked great, her body still firm and tight and nubile. And best of all her range of facial expressions was still incredible. Any delusions of not still being on a hair trigger were always immediately challenged. And when she had him coming all too soon she made sure he saw her expression of smug victory. Andrew’s revenge was just as sweet and musky and tasty. But their oral adventures were just an aperitif to maximise their pleasure in the coming hours.

Andrew leaned against the headboard, wrapped up and Helena hurriedly stabbed herself down onto him. The first minutes were kissing and reconnecting but then the pace increased. His grip on her waist tightened as they started to fuck harder and harder. HIs hurried warning that he was at the point of no return saw Helena start to attack her clit and her sudden orgasm triggered his own. As always, when Andrew opened his eyes and started to calm his breathing, he was faced with Helena looking far too relaxed, a look of disappointment that she would have to wait for a few minutes. He kissed her as they slid down the bed.

“You have this unnerving ability to recover from your orgasms in seconds. Here I am struggling to remember my name and you are lying there looking at me wondering why we are having a break.”

Helena smiled but didn’t deny it.

“It is strange. 20 seconds before I orgasm I am exactly the same, I have no clue about anything, my entire focus is on the approaching orgasm. But you are right it purges from my system very quickly, I mean I am all tingling and happy but if you wanted to fuck me right now I would be right there with you. But I understand the limitations of the weaker sex, I’ll give you a few minutes to recover.”

Andrew could put up or shut up, and as he needed a few minutes to get anything up, he shut up. That just made her laugh harder.

“I can’t believe I am lying her. I spent all day telling myself that I wasn’t just going to throw myself at you. All that talk about being a career woman and being respected, and all I really wanted was a night of great sex. Bah.”

“I’ll still respect you in the morning.”

Andrew had to pin Helena’s arms to her side to stop her whacking him. They kissed for a long time, just making out, a beautiful woman lying naked on him.

“How have you found work? Has it been okay?”

Helena knew what he meant.

“It has been an eye-opener in a lot of ways. Nobody has been overtly handsy, at least where people can see them. But there is some pretty poor chat throughout the office. It is worse for the administrative staff, those without degrees, but overall because there are more female staff than male it is not too bad. When I worked for some of Dad’s colleagues it was worse, because it was a very male environment.”

“Do you think you have a chance at advancement?”

“I think so, much better than in some other professions.”

“Such as.”

“Finance seems to be heavily skewed to men, like the Fellows at College. I don’t know anyone who works in the City directly but some of the other people in the office have boyfriends or flatmates who work there and I have heard about the work environment. I am glad I don’t work there. Anyway, enough serious talk. Someone promised me a ravishing and I feel under-ravished.”

Under–ravished? The OED word of the year for 1986.

In the end Helena ravished him as much as the other way round. She might not have been the most over muscled woman but she had strength in her legs. He felt her pulling him into her, squeezing him with her thighs, but most of all Andrew saw raw pleasure as they fucked each other. That was stupid, of course sex was pleasurable but it was more than that. He had labelled it correctly earlier, she was gorging on him, gorging on the experience. Lying on him later her hair had a fabulous ‘just-fucked’ look to it. Wild, bedraggled but ineffably sexy.

“What?”

“I was admiring your hair, you definitely have a spectacular just fucked look.”

“If you hurry up and get hard, I know that you make it even more spectacular.”

Ouch. He knew how Rodney felt.

“Be nice.”

Helena giggled in triumph but then slid down and lay face down beside him.

“Okay then, since you need a few minutes to recuperate, talk to me. We talked about it earlier. What am I thinking, what am I wanting, right now?”

Helena’s eyes were sparkling but there was an underlying seriousness to the question. Andrew thought about what she was proposing, how far to push it.

“Close your eyes.”

His hand caressed her tight little bum, running it over her cheeks, they felt very familiar.

“I think you are lying there thinking about sex, and wondering about how different sex will be when you love someone. Because right now you can have it all. But we all think about what we are giving up when we find the one. So you are lying there thinking about sexual excess. You want to be challenged, you want to understand yourself and at the same time societal programming conflicts with that message, what you think is important to the rest of your life conflicts with that.

“Think about tonight, although we both considered this might happen neither of us were sure, even when it was clear as day within 20 minutes. You are lying there thinking about what a missed opportunity tonight has been. I should have talked to you earlier in the week, we should have recognised this was going to happen and then we have a new baseline. You turn up, thoroughly clean, ready for a night of fucking. But is that all that is going to happen?”

Andrew stopped and circled his finger on her temple.

“Keep your eyes closed and think about it.”

He went to the kitchen before returning to his room.

He slid the towel under her hips and casually drenched her arsehole in olive oil. But rather than fuck her prone or in doggy Andrew lay on the towel and wrapped up. Then he pulled Helena onto him, but her back against his front rather than front to front. Helena got what was happening and slid down his torso before lifting herself off him. Andrew held his dick up straight as they carefully aligned themselves in this unusual, for them, position. He popped through her ring with little difficulty and gravity slid Helena’s hot tight arse down onto him quicker than either of them were expecting.

“Wow. Give me a sec. That made my eyes water!”

Andrew let her get comfortable and finally Helena lay her head back against his shoulder.

“What do you think Meredith would do to you right now?”

Andrew flexed his dick and at the same time Helena tightened her arse.

“You want to be the hunter, you want to use your sexuality to hunt men and women. You know that you are spectacular, fantastic in bed, a wonderful body. But you want it all. You want to be the respected professional woman, her opinion listened to and valued. But you love how you can bend men and women to your will. What you want right now? Tonight? In this bed? You want the girl that you went over and picked up at the bar, seduced and brought back here. You want her to kneel between our legs and eat you to orgasm of epic intensity.”

His finger flicked her clit and Helena shrieked her release. He let her come down before carrying on.

“You want her to lie on top of you, kiss you. You want to feel her weight on you, taste yourself on her lips, all the while with my dick in your arse. You want it all.”

Andrew just held Helena as she processed all that. It wasn’t really sexual, sure he had his dick up her arse but he wasn’t fucking her body, he was fucking with her mind. Helena had said it herself the previous year. She was completely sexually inexperienced when she arrived at Cambridge but she took to sex with no looking back. Helena loved sex, Andrew knew she loved the power of sex, the power her body gave her. Kneeling on the floor in front of him, all 6’5” of him, and she had complete control. But Helena didn’t know how all that fitted into the professional woman forging a career. Andrew also knew that Helena would have done what he just outlined on holiday on Cyprus. He and Helena could have gone for a week-long vacation to Ayia Napa and fulfilled that fantasy six different times with six different women on six different evenings. But this was London in November not Cyprus in August. She wanted it all.

Andrew took Helena’s hips and lifted her off him before turning her over and holding her in his arms. She wasn’t crying, she wasn’t purging an excess of emotion and the orgasm was minutes earlier. Helena was thinking.

“Why that?”

“I think it was my fantasy rather than yours. What it means? It is the same for me as for you. What does settling down mean? It is not just you that wants it all.”

They kissed for a very long time.

“This evening has not been anything like I thought it would be. Can we clean up and then just snuggle? I need time to process some of this.”

15 minutes later they lay in the darkness, not saying anything but revelling in the closeness. Helena did flinch when they heard Jim and Freya come home but within 20 minutes the flat was silent. Andrew figured leaving Helena in the flat on her own while he either ran or swam was not going to win him any favours so after completing his exercises he sat and read rather than abandon her. She was still awake before Jim and Freya and so he made the coffee and brought them through a mug each.

“What are we going to do?”

“When?”

“Now of course. Should we leave?”

“Helena, you know as well as I do that I am going to be fucking you on this bed as Jim and Freya leave for church. You are going to be asphyxiating yourself in a pillow and your heart is racing even just thinking about it.”

To be fair to her she didn’t falsely protest or anything like that. It didn’t stop her whacking him on the arm. So they lay in bed, mock wrestled, made out, generally goofed around until they heard Jim in the kitchen getting coffee for him and Freya. The rest of the morning played out exactly as Andrew had anticipated. The two of them left between 10.20 and 10.25 every Sunday so at 10.15 Helena had her face buried in a pillow while he gently fucked her. Neither of them were trying to come until they heard the front door close and the only moment of panic was when Freya called through the door and asked Andrew to put the chicken in the oven in time for lunch. Helena did have a panic squeak at that point and Andrew confirmed to Freya that he would deal with the chicken all the while fucking Helena in front of him. That was a first for Andrew and suddenly his hips were moving a lot faster. They lasted 12 seconds after the front door closed before his grunt and Helena’s cry pierced the quiet of the flat. The physical was good, the mental was out of this world.

“I am getting fucked in the guest bedroom of a law lord, while you are holding a conversation with his wife about lunch. Fucking hell Andrew.”

Helena definitely had an excess of endorphins to absorb and threw herself at him. Swinging his feet down onto the floor Andrew carried her through to the shower and they cleaned up and continued to make out. While Helena dried her hair he opened the window and aired out the room. The towel had done its job and the bedding did not need washing. He bagged all the condoms and wrappers and would drop them off in a street rubbish can rather than risk leaving them in the flat. Once the chicken was in the oven they headed out.

“That was quite the night.”

He nodded.

“There is a phrase that has several variations that I have been thinking about for the last 12 hours. A lady during the day and a whore at night. There are versions where it is a Princess during the day and a mistress at night but it is a known phrase. Maybe not well known but it is not obscure. Is there a bit of that?”

“I can see what you are saying.”

“I don’t know what I was thinking about when I lay down beside you last night but it wasn’t what you whispered to me. Yet it was also scarily accurate. I do love sex, but worry about getting a reputation, being judged. I have thought about a man and a woman, like you and Meredith, at the same time. I have thought of two men at the same time. The thought of being the centre of attention is intoxicating. Yet for all that, it does not seem real, it seems a fantasy. And the truth is nearly all the sexual fantasies that I have indulged have been with you. Do you think you can be satisfied with straightforward sex? Oral and the three standard positions? All the things you talked about last night, can you give them up?”

“I don’t know. Everything I talked about with you, everything I said when I was talking about you, they nearly all apply to me too. I don’t know. It is all that I am doing with Catherine and it is good but it is not great. A fraction of the intensity with you.”

They walked in silence for a block.

“I am not sorry about anything that we did or talked about last night, and again this morning. But I also need to think about it for a while. Now it is not like we are running into each other every day like when we were at College but I will keep writing to you and at some point soon we will carry on this discussion. I need to chat at, size up, some other men and gauge their reactions. Too many of my thoughts are linked too closely to you for me to know what to think.”

They had reached Baker Street.

“I had a great time Andrew. You have made me think and question myself but that is okay. I will write soon and see you before the end of the year, hopefully.”

As Andrew ran round Regent Park, a slow loping pace, he thought about the night with Helena. Could he have a ‘normal’ sex life. Did out there hijinks with Helena and especially Suzanne mean that he was no longer capable of being satisfied with straight sex? He snorted as he remembered his worries about accommodation or escalation with Suzanne but from her point of view as the recipient. At no point had he considered whether it would have an impact on him.

It was a very sheepish hmmm at his innate paternalism.

 

Chapter 2

It was an odd feeling on the drive home. At one level it had felt dangerously close to how Andrew had been with Allison Page five years earlier but yet he was even more sure that it was a necessary moment for him to wake up and realise where he was heading. He couldn’t keep on trying to ratchet up the taboo or excess. There was precious few places to go, other than jail, left for him. Helena’s words cut through him. Would he ever be happy with a simple, ‘normal’ sex life? As he drove up to Cambridge he felt happy and calm. He and Meredith had pushed each other, and Helena had been a willing accomplice as well. Catherine this year was going to be much less intense. And he was intrigued and excited to see how he would feel over the course of the year about that. Andrew was looking forward to seeing her that night. Which was all well and good but it was not the right time of the month and he had to wait until Wednesday. But what Andrew did realise was that he needed to dial it back. Stop getting caught up in the pressure to outdo the last act, outperform some unattainable goal. The whole weekend felt like it had been really worthwhile. Being able to talk to Jim and Freya, Freya on her own and Helena had resolved many things in his mind. He was much calmer.

Tuesday night at the OTC Jack and Andrew spent the whole night getting ready for the weekend out at Stanford Training Area, a place universally loathed by the whole Company. Somebody tried to explain the meteorological science behind frost hollows but it still wasn’t completely clear to him. What was abundantly clear was that Stanford was situated in such a feature. The temperature, and particularly the ground temperature, was markedly colder than the surrounding area. Now this wasn’t the high Arctic, but it added a degree of misery to the whole proceedings beyond what you expected from rural, southern Norfolk. As 4^th year students and with three full years in the OTC, all of their time was spent working with the junior cadets. It was interesting, annoying and more than a little humbling, to realise how little most 1^st year cadets knew. Now that didn’t stop them thinking they knew it all, but when you are the one trying to get 12 Freshers into a semblance of order it brought it home how this was you just a couple of years earlier.

Jack had quietly made it known that he was considering the Regulars and was spending time with different officers on the Permanent Staff. He was from north of Birmingham, his parents lived on the Staffordshire, Derbyshire border at Uttoxeter. It was an area of England Andrew knew nothing about. Just as there was the concept of flyover country in the US, for him it was ‘drive through’ country. There were two possible local regiments for Jack, the Staffordshire Regiment or the Worcestershire and Sherwood Foresters Regiment. And no, that regiment did not have to suffer Robin Hood jokes, not at all. Hmmm. So Jack was going to spend two of the training weekends in the winter doing regimental visits to both his local regiments. It was a lower key but still important recruiting campaign by them.

Wednesday night was the first time Andrew had to put his new resolve to the test. He and Catherine walked over to Cindies as normal but once they had their drinks they headed to the dance floor and he just tried to make more of an effort. It is a noisy, sweaty disco full of drunk and trying to get drunk students. So he didn’t know what making more of an effort meant. Maybe it was as simple as not taking their situation for granted. Sure they knew where they were going to end up but he didn’t have to be a lazy arse about it. So of course when Andrew got Catherine back to his room he was guilty of completely overcompensating. And do you know what? It was great. He had a cute, athletic 19 year old in his bed and it was time to stop mailing it in. And it was lots of little things, fucking through her first orgasm and hanging on until she came a second time. The same when eating her out. Less of an emphasis on him, and much more about her. Sure she was afraid to let go but Andrew figured the best way to deal with that was spending all night trying to crack her resolve. The things he had to do…

“Someone was pleased to see me tonight. Is this what I can expect the first time after Aunt Flo leaves each month?”

“Definitely. But you were looking awfully cute tonight and I thought you deserved to not just be told that but shown it as well.”

“I can feel it for sure.”

They kissed for a moment or two.

“You seemed on great form tonight. Is the course going well?”

“It is, but it is more that I had been worrying unnecessarily about some things and I got a lot sorted out at the weekend. I am away next weekend and then there are careers evenings through until the end of term. Trying to figure out next year had been weighing on me. You are just the lucky beneficiary.”

As for the weekend with the OTC? Andrew hardly paid attention to the training because there was a troop from a Royal Engineer squadron at the Training Area as well. They kept themselves to themselves because they were an EOD squadron. EOD was Explosive Ordnance Disposal, these were the men that were involved in bomb disposal. Because they didn’t interact with anyone else there Andrew didn’t get a chance to talk to any of them. But he was guilty of not paying much attention to anything else when they were around. It seemed to be an occupation where. Andrew’s first thought was you had to be mad. And of course it was not like that at all. In later years he did get a chance to talk to some EOD officers and they were serious men who did a dangerous job. But between unexploded ordnance left over from the War that was still being uncovered as well as the threat from terrorist bombs from the IRA, it was not a job where you were going to be sitting around with nothing to do. From what little he could see they were working on the stabilisation of bombs buried in the ground, obviously training for the disposal of German bombs rather than Irish ones. But as a way to distract him from another weekend in Norfolk it succeeded.

The course was moving on at its usual fast pace but relentless studying kept Olivia and him on top of the material. When he returned from Istanbul he would have the first significant milestone of the project, only 5% of the overall mark but still, where he had to make a presentation on his project to other students in the group, his supervisor, and probably some of his post-doc researchers, as well to any interested members of the faculty. It was only 15 minutes, 10 minutes of a presentation with a few minutes for questions after, but it would be the most people Andrew had ever presented to, up to that point. There were 2,200 people in the audience the night he was in the orchestra for Beethoven’s 9^th Symphony but he was one of more than 200 on stage. It was only later when he was in Paris that he realised that he had forgotten the audition scene when modelling. His presentation was well attended but there were not more than 50 people there. Plus he got to wear some clothes. The progress meetings with Professor Upshaw were going well. As with all world-class experts he had a way of unnerving lesser mortals that always had Andrew on his guard. He knew he could easily talk for 10 minutes on where he was with his project, his issue might be to keep it under 10 minutes. The project was going well.

Andrew had no classes on a Friday afternoon which was just as well as he had a long day of travelling ahead of him. The last flight to Istanbul left around 5.00 and with a four hour flight and a three hour advance of the time would get him into Istanbul just before midnight. So he had to be at Heathrow with enough time to check in and clear security. Flying was a hassle, even in those days when there was still security but you could at least keep your shoes on. An hour on the train to King’s Cross, more than an hour on the Tube out to Heathrow and then another hour of fucking about before finally being able to sit in the departure lounge and relax. Andrew had become cautious and had no project notes with him, some of what was in his notebooks would have him in a police station all weekend explaining himself. Instead he chose the module with the thinnest and lightest textbook and sat and worked away, both at Heathrow and on the plane. He had packed light and with only his smaller backpack as carry-on luggage. He was also flying business class so was seated at the front of the plane. In many ways it was the one day to day thing that he indulged with the money. Sitting further back was torture and he always flew business. He had space and nobody bothered him, although he was unusually young compared to the rest of the tired business types that were in the compartment with him. But his studies absorbed the time, as they usually did.

Once through immigration control he could head straight out, no waiting at luggage carousels for him. His only stop was at a bureau d’change to convert some Pounds to Turkish Lira. Andrew had no idea how much everything cost and so converted more money than he would when he was in Paris for instance. But with that quickly completed he could escape the terminal. When he and Ara saw each other they managed not to run into each other’s arms, clichés were avoided, just, but there was a spring in both their steps. She looked wonderful and moulded into his arms. For a moment the rest of the passengers flowed round them as they stood there, an island of hugging and kissing.

“Come on, let’s get out of here.”

Ara led them out to the taxi rank and they cabbed into the centre of the city, not very far as the airport was just to the west of the city centre.

“There is a bit of a change of plan. I did not realise that I am not allowed male visitors in the dorm, you aren’t even allowed to visit never mind stay the night. So we have a reservation at a hotel that I found out about. They are much less fussy about the paperwork than most places.”

Ara explained that nearly all hotels were strict about identification and would not allow unmarried couples to stay. But like she said water will always find a weakness. 15 minutes later they were outside the hotel, right in the heart of the tourist area of the city. Andrew was amazed as Ara slipped a Turkish bank note into their passports and they came back absent the banknote. It was like something out of the movies. He was trying not to be too much of a country bumpkin, although he was not sure he was succeeding. Their key in hand, they climbed the two flights of stairs and along the corridor to the room. As the door closed Ara was once again in Andrew’s arms.

“Who are you, and what have you done with Arabella Lindsay? Bribing desk clerks.”

Ara giggled and kissed him again.

“I was given extensive instructions by an American student last week. She used this place when her boyfriend came over to visit. I think it is passed on word of mouth from visiting student to visiting student. We are registered in the hotel ledger, and with the authorities if anyone comes and checks, as a married couple.”

He laughed.

“So Mrs. McLeod, is this our honeymoon?”

Ara must have been taking lessons from Suzanne as she bit her bottom lip and looked adorable.

“No, this is just a dirty weekend away. This is all about giving me something to survive the long cold Turkish nights until I get back to Britain.”

She giggled.

“So no pressure.”

Their clothes were dropped were they stood and he chased Ara to the bed. But she spun him round, grabbed a pillow off the bed for her knees and knelt before him.

“Time to drain you first I think. I want a good long fuck, floating on a sea of endorphins. Come here.”

Being one not to argue with a lady Andrew submitted to a blowjob. Life was tough. Ara was a complete beginner at blowjobs, he had never asked but he might have been the only person she had ever done it with, or rather to. But it was nothing to do with technique or prowess or anything like that. It was looking down at Ara, seeing the intense concentration on her face, seeing her wanting to do this, for her own pleasure as much as his. She didn’t look up at him like Suzanne or Helena, but she didn’t need to. This was Arabella Lindsay on her knees in front of him giving him a blowjob. Andrew ran his hands through her hair and she looked up briefly, caught his eye and then winked. 0-60 literally in the blink of an eye. Once he had finished drying to drown her Andrew stumbled back to the bed before feeling Ara wrap herself round him from the back. She leaned in and started whispering in his ear.

“I have been horny for you all week. I have come three times today already but I need so much more. Remember all those stories I read at school. I need a knave tonight Andrew, a rogue who demands everything and takes even more. I need you to ravish me.”

A long pause.

“I need you to plunder me.”

Andrew felt something being pressed into his hand and knew it was a condom without even looking. Oh the recuperative powers of youth. He stood up almost dropping the condom in his haste to get wrapped up. Ara was smiling smugly at his frantic fumbling. Taking a second, he closed his eyes and breathed deeply and was able to get himself safely wrapped. Ara was by now lying on her back, come hither not just in her eyes but across her whole body. Andrew walked round to the end of the bed, grabbed her hips and flipped her onto her stomach. He smiled as ‘eek’ squeaked out from her. The heights and angles were all wrong but he didn’t care. He pulled her to the end of the bed, bent his knees to adjust their heights and was balls deep in one thrust. Someone was very turned on. Andrew leant forward and it was his turn to whisper in her ear.

“Someone has let their mouth run away from them. Time to pay the price.”

He should have been getting used to women manipulating him for their own ends. No frightened eyes, no shudders, nothing. Ara turned her head, smashed her mouth against his and retorted.

“Less talking, more doing.”

It was Meredith at the start of 3^rd year, Ara needed to get laid. She might not have a ton of sexual experience but that night she was hot to trot. However hard Andrew fucked her, however much she orgasmed as her nipples rubbed against the comforter, she didn’t back down. His back was killing him, his knees were killing him and frankly his pride was taking a dent but still she wanted more. He was desperately trying to stave off his orgasm but all too soon the final dent to his pride happened and he pulsed endlessly into the little bulb while trying not to squash Ara flat beneath him. The condom was abandoned on the floor for later and Andrew slumped back onto the bed, Ara beside him. Finally the synapses of his brain reconnected and he was capable of thought, and then speech. He looked over at Ara and she had this blissful smile on her face.

“You really are an overachieving big git, aren’t you? Where did that stamina come from? Everything I was doing to make you come and you just kept going. Oh Andrew, that was.”

She never got to tell him of his magnificence because he pulled her into his arms and kissed her. After a long snog she hauled herself up onto his body and looked down at him.

“I was upset at myself for coming so soon. I thought you wanted and needed more.”

“What? You crazy Scotsman. My whole body aches, in a good way but it still aches. I was close to calling for mercy.”

Andrew’s dented pride repaired itself like in the movies when the film is run backwards. The dents miraculously popped back out and he lay there basking in his sexual magnificence. Or something less self-absorbed and bullshit but you get the point. Clean-up was quick, bordering on perfunctory and they fell asleep in each other’s arms.

Ara was not a morning person, and Andrew knew this, so he sat and quietly worked away at his studies for a couple of hours after he woke up. Eventually her eyes opened and he had to smile at her adorably grumpy expression. Just the fact that he was awake and studying was an affront.

“Good morning little Miss Happy.”

“Shut up.”

“Yes dear.”

The pillow didn’t even make it half way across the distance between them. He stripped and slid back into bed behind Ara and held her in his arms for 10 more minutes before she finally stretched and turned to face him.

“I am never going to get used to how early you get up. How long do you sleep?”

“Between six & seven hours. I have to be exhausted to sleep longer than seven and I don’t know that I am able to sleep more than nine except on very rare occasions. The last day of my exams last year I slept for more than 12 hours but that is the most since, probably cancer when I think about it. I go to bed between 11.00 and 12.00 and am up at 6.00 every day.”

Ara winced as he recounted this. It was not the first time they had had this conversation.

“Even today? With the time change.”

“I am fine. How are you feeling this morning? How are your aches?”

“I am too tender for anything yet but at the same time just thinking about why I ache so much is an aphrodisiac. “

She smiled at him before turning serious.

“I am glad you are here, I have missed you. But I have a lot to talk to you about, I am confused and worried about. Well a lot of things, me, us, my future.”

Andrew nodded, her comments not unexpected after the change in tone of some of her letters.

“This trip has been truly marvelous. Istanbul is a great city, the people at the Archive could not be more helpful, I have even picked up a little bit of Turkish while I have been here. But that is just the bare surface compared to how I feel about what I am reading, how it is helping ideas formulate and coalesce in my mind, and how I can already see so many more topics and areas to investigate after I get my PhD. It truly has been a life changing trip in that sense. Now you and Grandfather have always been incredibly supportive of me but the last two months have firmly fixed in my mind that this is going to be a career for me. But at the same time I have been dealing with all the usual crap from my mother. But it is not just her, I have caught myself thinking about being a wife and mother. And when I think of that I think of my own mother, and so many of the mothers of friends at school and university, and think that I have to stay at home. And it freaks me out, that I have this conditioning or programing that I need to fight against. And part of fighting against it is contemplating stepping back from men, and right now that means you. So I am more than a little mixed up about all this. I can see a long and interesting career, now I have no idea if I will be able to live and support myself, but leaving that aside I am excited about the future. You have been nothing but supportive about these ambitions since practically the day we met. Yet I also worry about the future and how trying to be a wife, and even more so a mother, fits in with all that.”

She stopped and looked at him, checking that he was okay.

“Then there is me the woman, the creature that you unveiled so memorably all those years ago in Edinburgh. I might not be the most experienced woman out there but I love sex.”

She stopped.

“I love being fucked and I love being fucked by you. Of the seven guys I have been with, five were crap, one was mediocre and then there is the overachieving Scotsman. So to say that my brain and body are sending mixed messages is to understate it somewhat. I am a right old mess.”

She sighed and looked at him intently.

“And then there is the complete complication of my also having been visited by Gwen while I have been out here. She has been here once already and is going to come out the final weekend and help me pack up and get back to London. And I don’t know what that means either. As you could tell last night I have not forsaken men but still.”

She stopped again.

“It is now me initiating it, it is me that is setting the pace, it is me that is the bossy butch one in bed.”

“Butch?”

“Gwen told me that is what the person who takes the lead is called in the community. Very charmingly they are called the butch and the bitch.”

She giggled and looked embarrassed at the admission, before turning serious once again.

“You are not saying much Andrew.”

He stroked Ara’s hair and she shimmied up his body and they kissed for a while. Once she had retreated so they could focus on each other he started.

“A lot of what you are thinking about, what you are worrying about, well I am thinking about as well. Not the exact same focus but I was with Jim and Freya two weekends ago and spent a long time talking to them both, and to Freya on her own, about the future. My career, what kind of organisation I wanted to work for. Did I want to work for someone or set up my own company? So I am not freaked out by what you said. I understand the pressures you have been under from your mother for what, 10 years now?”

Ara nodded sadly.

“I forget who I have had all these conversations with but I have assumed for a long time, that if I were to get married then my wife would likely be a graduate and almost certainly have a professional career. You can’t go through puberty being attracted to intelligent women and then suddenly think that it is not what you want for or from your wife. So I am going to live in London and go out with clever women and potentially marry one of them. That is about all the certainty in my life. Everything else is going to grow and evolve. Look at you and Gwen.”

Ara flushed slightly but he squeezed her bum appreciatively.

“When we first knew each other you were terribly conflicted about what you did with her, you thought it was wrong. Five, six years later and you are the one initiating things with her. Things change. At the same time as you are more into women you seem to be more into sex with men as well. I don’t know what that means but I am not that bothered.”

“I think I know that it will not bother you and so I indulge. But I don’t know that it is fair to Gwen or to us.”

She sighed.

“Thank you for talking to me but that is what this year is about. It is about dealing with absence. I don’t get back until right before Christmas and other than two or three weekends in London I doubt I am going to be down much during my penultimate term. Last Easter break I was studying close to 80 hours a week in the run up to the exams. I care about you a great deal but I am going to be terrible until well into May. You will be working on writing up your dissertation and then defending it. Come May life will finally calm down and we can see where we are. Just so you know I didn’t come all the way out here just to fuck you. It is these conversations that will be more important for the two of us going forward. I wish I could tell you what is going to happen with us next summer but I don’t know. Let’s enjoy the time and see what happens.”

Ara’s answer was to slide down his body and suck him hard, a task of mere seconds. Grabbing a condom she wrapped him up before clambering off.

“Pull yourself up against the headboard. Can you be slow and gentle?”

They didn’t really fuck, it was more synchronised flexing with lots of kissing before near the end Ara starting rubbing her tits against his chest hair. Her nipples reacted as they usually did and Ara came quietly in his lap. Andrew didn’t come but just enjoyed the closeness. After their slow start to the morning they showered quickly before finally venturing out onto the streets of Istanbul.

Ara lived and worked on a little peninsula right in the heart of Istanbul. This peninsula was also the heart of historic Istanbul, of tourist Istanbul. Their hotel was within sight of the Hagia Sophia and Ara showed him round the area. They were going to do the more tourist things the next day, the Topkapi, the Blue Mosque and the Hagia Sophia.

“The Archives are over there, part of the Topkapi complex, although you need a pass to gain access so I can’t show you them.”

She chuckled.

“It is a specialist library, I am sure you can figure out what it is like inside.”

They headed away from the Topkapi Palace heading west.

“My room is in one of the University of Istanbul’s dorms. It is just down there. It is a mile walk from the dorm to the Archive. Everything is so close. It is just like being at Edinburgh or indeed London. Everything nice and central. But today I want to show you the Grand Bazaar. It is this amazing huge covered market. It is not open tomorrow so we have to come here today.”

Andrew had never spent five hours shopping and had so much fun. Ara had been to the Bazaar many times but today she was going to be trying to haggle on her own for the first time. She had watched every time she had visited before and had tried a couple of times accompanied by some fellow students who were Turkish. She even had two small index cards with all the key things. Andrew asked to see them and they were fascinating. There were simple things like smile, relax, be patient, all things about your attitude. But then there were more specific things like never offer a price, always make the seller offer a price first, be prepared to walk away, don’t look too interested. As they started into the market he could see that it was going to be an amazing day.

Now Andrew was a terrible negotiator, always had been, on small items and on non-business stuff. He was confident when dealing with business, going all the way back to Julian’s dad’s firm at 14 years old. But in day to day life, he was shocking. Nobody ever took him with them to buy a car for instance. And situations like this were the absolute worst for him. Andrew knew that it came down to the fact he had money and it did not matter to him whether he was overcharged £5 for something in a market in Istanbul. So he was crap at playing the game, and not bothered about winning it either. About the best he could say was that at least he knew he was crap and didn’t see himself as some master negotiator. Whereas Ara….

Arabella Lindsay, daughter of a Baron, PhD candidate in Middle Eastern Affairs, was a natural in the bazaar. Andrew was the gameshow hostess, standing there looking pretty, and she used him like a prop. The sellers knew a smattering of different languages, the Bazaar is hugely popular with tourists, and so could have basic conversations in many languages. Ara would mainly speak English, but would occasionally talk in French to him, knowing full well that the seller could understand the gist, and it was not until they went back to one stall the second time that she spoke to the man in Turkish. It was theatre and they were there for hours, yet it was a whole lot of fun. After a couple of hours they took a break from shopping and went and found a little café for a cup of coffee.

“That was fun, but it sure is tiring.”

Ara sat back, stretched her long legs out in front of her and looked happy.

“It is fascinating to watch you, it is like verbal arm-wrestling with the advantage going back and forth.”

“I have been so excited to try this. Several of us from the dorm often come here and I find it incredibly.”

She stopped for a moment.

“I was going to say something like fascinating just like you did, but it is more than that. It is alive somehow, there is an organic nature to it.”

She stopped again.

“I think if more of the sellers were women then I might treat it differently. I like to get one over on men. I think that says more about me than I care to admit.”

She saw Andrew trying not to smirk and looked confused for a second until she replayed her words. The whack was entirely predictable.

“Behave.”

She saved her breath from making an empty threat, the sparkle in her eyes promised much that evening.

“I wanted to show you the Bazaar, although we have only seen about a third of it, and have some fun practicing bargaining. Is there anything that you want to get while we are here?”

“What is the quality like of the goods, and are they cheaper here than elsewhere? I like the idea of getting some things from here for Christmas presents. It is exactly the kind of thing that Grandma would love. ‘I got this bracelet, scarf, whatever it is, for you at the Grand Bazaar in Istanbul’.”

Ara nodded.

“I have been round the whole place many times and there does appear to be a difference in quality. We haven’t been over to the gold area yet but it is pretty substantial, one of those internal streets is just jewellers for instance. How much money did you bring, that will be the issue, they will only take cash?”

“I had no idea how expensive things were going to be, or not, so I changed quite a lot of Pounds, several hundred in fact, when I got here.”

“That is great. How many presents?”

He thought for a while and ran through everyone.

“Ten or twelve. But there are differing degrees. Top of the pile is Grandma, then the other four grown-ups, Jim and Freya and Nikki and Fran. After that it is all my friends my own age, Leslie and Julian, Maggie and Tony, you, Olivia at College, several others.”

He shrugged.

“I think I am most interested in the several others.”

She held her stony face just long enough to worry him before bursting into laughter.

“That is not nice. I was trying to spare your blushes.”

“My blushes Andrew McLeod? My blushes?”

He laughed at her faux outrage but didn’t engage.

“Phooey, you are no fun. So you have about 5000 lira. Are you okay to spend it all?”

“The hotel takes a credit card so it is just eating, and the cab to the airport on Monday morning. I can spend most of it.”

“Okay, and we will just browse and see what catches your eye, our eyes?”

“I would like to get something distinct if possible, something that is not available back home. But at the same time I want it to be something that they will use. Remember that belt store? I can’t see Jim wearing one of those belts. They look fantastic but I don’t see a Law Lord wearing it. Now Julian on the other hand would, but I am not sure he will care that it came from Istanbul.”

Ara grabbed his hand.

“I know exactly what you mean. Come on, time to shop.”

Four hours later they staggered back to the hotel, not laden down but close to it. Andrew was not a great shopper and always stressed about Christmas in that he was full of good intentions that often ended up as frantic last minute overspends. That he had broken the back of it so early cheered him up, plus Ara was floating along on a sea of shopping endorphins. They got back to the room and flopped down on the bed. Neither of said anything, but Ara cuddled into his arm and they napped.

 

Chapter 3

Andrew woke after 40 minutes or so and lay there thinking about his life. Ara had talked about her confusion and had been more honest with him about personal things. Actually she had shared more, rather than be more honest. He knew it wasn’t the time to think about it now but at some point soon he would have to face up to the reality that how he was living his life could not and would not continue the way it had for the last couple of years. And Andrew knew he was shying away from it. He was worried about making choices, closing doors, with his career; and that had a fraction of the emotional baggage of the choice facing him. One of the things that he had discovered over the years was that talking something through with Leslie had helped sort things out in his head. If this was Catherine and Ara or Renee and Ara then Andrew would have gone for a walk with Leslie and talked it through. But it was Leslie’s best friend, Suzanne, and he had no one to talk to about the situation he had managed to end up in. And in an unusual moment of insight Andrew also had to accept that they both could, and likely would, walk away from him. Suzanne could find someone that could give her everything that she needed and Ara could decide to prioritise her career over a man, a partner, and Andrew could be sitting in that big empty house in Mayfair all on his own come September next year. Ara stirring in his arms sent all these thoughts flying off into the ether but he knew they were there and he had no answers.

“What do you dream of Andrew?”

It sounded like Ara had been having some introspection of her own.

“How do you mean?”

“Do you think of your life in the future? What do you dream it would be like?”

“It comes back to what we talked about this morning.”

He stopped.

“It is more than that. I have memories of life before cancer, lots of them, but at the same time cancer is the great divide in my life. But rather than the disease, the malignant cells in the small of my back, it is Faith and Leslie that are the divide. I worked it out once. From the day I was admitted to the cancer ward until the day Faith died was 63 days, that’s it. Nine weeks. The last time she was ever conscious was just 59 days after I met her, lying in adjacent beds in the cancer ward at The Royal Infirmary. But the last eight years are as a direct result of those nine weeks. My life has been planned with quite specific goals for all that time. And as you know I have achieved so many of those goals. But I don’t think that the way I have lived my life for the last eight years is possible going forward. The last thing Faith ever said to me was to ask that I live two lives, to live her life for her as well. She didn’t ask Leslie, she asked Leslie to help me, but her dying wish was to me and practically the last thing she ever said.”

Ara was lying transfixed beside me.

“So there I am 13 and a half, just survived cancer and with that burden. But I didn’t see it as a burden, I saw it as a challenge and it was one that I was going to tackle head on. While I was at school, studying for the Open University course at the same time, sacrificing being a normal teenager was, in my mind, clearly living two lives. That the business succeeded beyond our wildest dreams was something that we struggled to understand, to accept, to fully process. For years I was tormented with how to make a difference that managed to top what we had done already. Leslie has grown the £26m to more than £40m and we have already given £5m to the Imperial Cancer Research Fund and in a couple of weeks we will give them another £3m. I am 21 and have set up a medical research trust, that if managed properly, will still be granting money in 100 years. To try and top that somehow is a recipe for an unhappy life. And it took me years to get to the point where I need to be happy, be satisfied with making a difference at a different level. You asked what do I dream about. What does the man whose dreams came true dream about?

“During my time at university I have done a bunch of things, volunteered at Addenbrooke’s being one of the most significant, I will complete four years at the OTC and am going to attempt to be commissioned as a Territorial Army officer sometime in the next 12 to 18 months. But then I was asked to model by a woman who saw me at the pool. I didn’t respond to any adverts, it wasn’t as if I was going around showing off my body. The exact opposite in fact, I have to be careful about exposure to the sun. You have heard me talk about karma, my karmic balance, and how important it is to my life, and how I believe it to be important to life and society in general. It might be the closest thing that I have to a faith in my life. All the craziness with modelling has come about because I changed my mind on modelling for four College of Art students. I initially said no but it didn’t sit right with me. When I told them I would do it, even before that when I said to myself why not, then this weight lifted off me. From that selfless act I have lived this odd half-life of standing around bare-arsed naked with a collection of beautiful women, equally bare-arsed naked, while also trying to be discreet and private about it. I have worked for the Ministry of Defence all summer for the last three years on top of all that. I don’t need the OTC money, the money from modelling, the wages for working over the summer. So I think I am still trying to live two lives, Faith’s and my own. I like to tease Leslie that Faith is the nude model.

“But here I am six months away from completing my second degree, maybe even my third when I think about it. I will get a BA and an MEng when I graduate to go with the BSc I already have. Now this all sounds like a laundry list of how fucking wonderful I am. But in September what am I going to do? And how do I live a second life? I can’t work two jobs so I have to figure out what my life is like going forward. And how I can still honour Faith’s wish. So many hours ago you asked about my dreams.”

They both laughed, but he had been talking for a while.

“I know you think I have the soul of an engineer, and it is true. But in this case let me channel my soldier soul instead. My dreams have all been tactical, short term. Even the longer term goals have been met, the Trust being the most obvious one. I lived my life through these six goals. It was years later before I thought about the overall plan, and what was the plan. With Leslie and Suzanne we came up with the phrase ‘Be Passionate’. So having rambled on for far too long, I suppose that is my dream. But what it means I don’t know. All the usual dreams of graduates, well I have achieved them all, money, cars, houses, and my challenges around jobs are there are too many choices so I don’t even have to worry about that.”

Andrew finally stopped talking and looked at Ara. She was smiling at him and leaned in and kissed him.

“All I wanted to know was whether you wanted a wife and kids by the time you were 30.”

They both laughed.

“That was fascinating. The stuff about how to beat the amazing stuff you had achieved already. You are right, there is only heartache and failure down that path. Not that I don’t think you can do something amazing but still. I love how you tie it back to those terrible two months in hospital. The first snowball rolling down the mountain was then and the avalanche of everything else you have done is from that.”

“What are your dreams Ara?”

Ara answered without skipping a beat.

“Be successful in life. Be respected and have an impactful career. And at the same time I have always thought I would be a wife and mother.”

She stopped and smiled.

“I have thought about these sentences for the last five minutes for when you asked me. But the truth is they are dreams but I don’t know what they mean, how to achieve them, and whether they are interlinked or mutually exclusive. Think about what I was talking about this morning. However much I want to be a mother, right now I want to establish my career. I presume that will change but I don’t know. My career, using my brain, using the skills I have learned over the last seven years, they are most important to me. So although I have a dream I also have a reality and I wonder, and worry I suppose, that you can’t have it all. I don’t think I am alone in worrying this way, I sure as hell hope I am not alone.

“I think a lot of my issues have come as I have started to realise what is important to me, as opposed to what was important to my mother. Subsuming my dreams and what I think I should do, what I know I would be good at, for something else. I tend to swing back and forth, that is why I talked this morning about just giving up on relationships altogether. Just put everything else aside, put everybody else aside, and just focus on my career. But then I think about how important you and Grandfather have been in countering the negativity from my mother. And that is before the simple fact that I am a 22 year old woman who has discovered sex, and really likes it. A lot. Which then leads back to the whole idea of wanting it all, having it all. You said you and Helena used to talk about this together. Did you get down to this level of detail?”

Andrew nodded.

“Yes we did. We talked through one or other of us getting a job in a different city, I think we always used New York for some reason but it could be anywhere. It could be here. We talked about careers, putting other people first, the impact on the other person’s career if we decided to move. But she was like you, worried about the traditional female role of being the one who has to deal with the change because of the man’s job. She asked me if I would move to New York if my wife got a promotion or the opportunity for a new job there. It was incredibly useful, fascinating and at times really awkward to think about, and to talk about, all these kinds of hypotheticals. There was a lot where the answer was ‘I am not sure’ or ‘I don’t know’.”

“Were you two talking as a couple?”

“No, not at all. In fact we were using the nature of our relationship as a barrier. What I mean is that it really was hypotheticals. We were not a couple, we did not have kids, and we did not have jobs, so it was nothing more than a typical university chat, although the topic wasn’t typical.”

“So what were some of the things that you talked about, decided?”

“There was a lot of talk about the impact of children. She went to the same school as you, in Ascot, and so we talked about private schooling, boarding school, getting a nanny. But it was interesting to be put on the spot. ‘Would you stay home and raise the children Andrew?’. Questions like that. And that was one of the uncomfortable ones. I want an intelligent wife with a career but it didn’t stop me thinking, don’t be ridiculous that is the woman’s job.”

He saw Ara’s face.

“Exactly. I think that was exactly the expression that Helena pulled. But you talk about societal programing and there it was from my perspective. I had never seen it; my father definitely wasn’t like that so my reflexive thought was ‘don’t be silly’. But it was only by having these discussions that I could hear myself and stop and be embarrassed at the way I was thinking. And to complicate it even more, because this whole thing isn’t complicated enough, money is not going to be the determining factor in any of these discussions, well not unless it is an absurd amount. I don’t have to work for the rest of my life. We both know that I would be bored on the second day but it is true. So my job, and by extension my wife’s job, can be doing something that is important to us, is interesting, is challenging, and I don’t have to worry about paying the mortgage. I don’t really think that way but it is true and like I said it is just one more wrinkle in the whole thing.”

“You are only here for a couple of days so let’s not waste all our time in discussions that we can have in London but can we keep talking like this when I get back. Like you said, this is the time to be having these conversations, not when I can’t see my feet anymore.”

The vision of Ara pregnant with their baby flashed across Andrew’s mind. He could tell they were both thinking about the same thing as an awkward silence descended. A trip to the toilet broke the moment but they both knew that they had been thinking about the same thing.

After two serious conversations inside nine hours they spent the rest of the evening wandering around the centre of Istanbul, they crossed the Golden Horn and just walked about playing tourist, they found some hole in the wall restaurant for dinner, and had a fun time. Andrew knew if he prompted Ara he could get her talking about her research and so when he asked her what was the most unexpected thing that she had discovered, she was off. She wasn’t self-absorbed about it but you could tell that she loved to talk about her research. He was interested, not as much as she was, but it was a fun night. It was an evening that encapsulated Ara, and them, perfectly. They were in Istanbul, out for dinner as a couple, but get Ara talking about Middle Eastern history, and its impact on the present day, and she lit up. And do you know what was best of all? It was only after dinner that she realised that she had been dominating the conversation and felt guilty. Andrew did like the way she proposing to make it up to him.

There was no consistency to sex with Ara. There were occasions when it was quick, something to get out of the way, but they were starting to become less and less. What Andrew found that weekend was Ara wanted vigorous sex, nothing very adventurous, nothing kinky, but slow and steady was not the preferred approach.

“I know we have talked too much today already but there is something about you that just gets me going. Did you hear me? ‘Fuck me harder’.”

Ara was lying along him and they were sweating despite the cool of the evening.

“I have been swimming while I am here, there is pool just across the bridge not far from where we had dinner. I remember you telling me you found my core attractive, which might be the most random thing anyone has ever said to me. When I am in bed with you I hear that and I know that I can cope with being fucked hard. It is the strangest thing, almost Pavlovian.”

She shook her head.

“I could talk half the night but I didn’t want you to come all the way here just to have to listen to me the whole time.”

She kissed him.

“I have you all day tomorrow as well.”

Her impish smile made him laugh. A quick clean up and they fell asleep spooned together.

Sunday morning was a repeat of the previous day, Andrew was up hours before Ara and sat and studied while she slept. But when she woke they showered, dressed and grabbed some breakfast. After that it was tourist time. They visited the Blue Mosque, then the Hagia Sophia before finishing up at the Topkapi Palace. They are in a straight line and quite close to each other, closer even than the main monuments in Washington DC. Andrew’s memories at the day? There was so much history that you should spend two days at each place and you could spend a whole week in just this small part of Istanbul. The Hagia Sophia is nearly 1500 years old and just understanding the history of the building would take hours. So spending a couple of hours in each building was just the merest hint of the real and full experience. It was great, and maybe that is the way to do it, have a taster of the history of this part of the world, the intersection of east and west.

Ara explained how Istanbul was formerly known as Constantinople and was the seat of the Eastern Roman Empire. When Rome fell it continued on, becoming the Byzantine Empire at some point. Then you had the impact of the Crusades, one of which captured the city, before you got to the final defeat of the Byzantium Empire when the Ottomans conquered the city in 1453. Ara covered more than a thousand years of history in two breaths, and didn’t even cover the last 500 years, the impact of Islam, the constant wars, the role of the Ottomans in creating the current Middle Eastern situation. He knew he could spend a week there and never leave the same small area. Oh, and he had a doctoral candidate as his guide that day.

By 4.00 Andrew was ready for a break and they walked down to the promenade round the peninsula. Ara wanted to do one last piece of shopping, and this time it was for him.

“I want to get you a shirt that shows off your body.”

Andrew goldfished at her.

“Don’t look so surprised. How do they dress you in all these commercials? I want something snug and tight.”

It took a while but they found something that met with her approval. She had him change into it at the store and then they carried on walking. With Ara leading the way they got on a small water taxi, a tourist ferry and crossed the Bosporus to the Asian side of Istanbul. It is an arbitrary distinction on a map but they got off the ferry and were standing on Asian soil. The first time Andrew had left Europe. They waited for the next ferry and promptly returned to the European side. His first trip to Asia and it took all of 20 minutes. An arbitrary line. They found a café to sit and chat, out of the chill of the autumn wind. Andrew was starting to understand how every woman with large breasts felt. Ara’s eyes were drifting south.

“Thank you for coming to see me Andrew. I had been so looking forward to it.”

Ara smirked.

“And you look great. The body that first captured my interest all those years ago, well I am still drawn to it.”

“Do you like showing me off?”

Andrew was intrigued. Ara nodded vigorously.

“There have been plenty of looks, not just here, but back in London. Women check you out.”

He wasn’t sure what to say.

“You are with the nerdy woman who talks too much about the Ottoman Empire. I confess it makes me want to show you off. Sorry.”

Ara didn’t look that sorry.

“Can we talk about the Christmas break, what are your plans?”

“I am in Cambridge until the first week of December. Thursday is the 4^th I think and I am coming down to London then. We have our annual meeting with the Imperial Cancer Director on the Friday and then I am in London until the Sunday afternoon. First it is Paris for a week then Martinique for a week modelling. I am scheduled to get back to London on the 20^th or the 21^st, I haven’t confirmed flights back yet. I don’t know what time we get into Paris from the Caribbean. I will have four weeks of the break left at that point. I will spend two weeks in Edinburgh, see my Grandmother, possibly see my parents, although that is still a long shot, and then the last two weeks in London.”

He looked over at her.

“Normally I would spend just one week in London and then return to Cambridge but I would like to see you for longer, if you would like that?”

“Of course I want to spend time with you. So I won’t see you until what? The 3^rd, 4^th, 5^th, something like that?”

“I think those are the right days, the weekend after New Year anyway.”

“What are you going to do for Christmas?”

“Assuming that there is not a thaw with my parents then probably spend it with Nikki and Fran in Glasgow. It will depend on their plans obviously and Fran’s shifts but that would be my preference.”

“Fran’s shifts?”

Andrew explained how she was a surgeon specialising in new born surgery and how she was often on call.

“Wow.”

“Yes, I know. Sometimes they send a police car to the flat to get her to the hospital as fast as possible. She told me this after I had been regaling them with tales of being a model. It did rather put things into perspective.”

“I’ll bet. So you will stay there for Christmas?”

“If they are not away then yes, I assume so.”

“But last year they were away and you were on your own.”

He nodded.

“You cannot go to someone else’s?”

Andrew marshalled his thoughts.

“Fran and Nikki have broken ties with their family. I know that Nikki was always worried how her family would react. Well she knew how they would react which is why she lives and works in Glasgow now. Fran’s parents are dead but she keeps her distance from her extended family. So the two of them are isolated because of who they are, how they want to live their lives, and with whom. I have always gone and seen them over this break, either before or after Christmas. Now a few people in Edinburgh know that things are awful with my parents but I don’t want to deal with questions from their extended family if I went to anyone’s house for Christmas. It is not something I want to share, make widely known. I know it is not my fault, or at least mostly not my fault, but it is still difficult to acknowledge to strangers, even to friends, that my parents don’t want anything to do with me. So no, if Nikki and Fran have plans then I will spend Christmas on my own, the same as last year.”

Andrew thought Ara was going to cry by the time he had finished.

“It puts my mother’s machinations into context. I will call you at your flat and confirm when you are coming down. Can I stay with you at the house until I get settled at the dorm?”

“Of course. The house is one more thing that I need to think about at the end of the year.”

“You are seriously thinking about not living there?”

“Yes I am. You have been there Ara. It is too much. It is bittersweet after so many years of waiting to gain access to find that it wasn’t what I thought it would be. I may start to look for a flat this year.”

“When will you make the decision?”

“I will just add it to the long list of things to be sorted out next summer.”

He shrugged and watched Ara’s enigmatic expression. Dinner was at a slightly fancier restaurant but it was still closer to cheap and cheerful rather than fancy dining. He had hit the high points for a weekend in Istanbul and they headed back to the hotel without thought or comment. Ara might be confused about her life, even be playing both sides of the street when it came to her sexual identity, but that night there was no ambiguity. She was horny and demanding and although Andrew’s spirit was willing, eventually his flesh was weak. It was missionary all night, lots of face to face kissing and every time Ara wanted to come she pulled him tight and shimmied her tits against his chest hair. Andrew didn’t have a lot, but what there was did the trick. It was still early when they cuddled up against each other and fell soundly asleep. When he woke up with Ara in his arms Andrew lay there for a few minutes thinking about her, and about them. The weekend had been full of talking, lots of questions, and precious few answers. And their time together over the next six months was going to be more of the same. But he was okay with that, he had to be okay with that, it was necessary for them both. But he still had no answer to the fundamental question.

Their farewells were not too weepy. Andrew got the cab to drop Ara off at her dorm before heading to the airport. They had hugged and kissed in the hotel room before checking out. He would see her in seven weeks, and they would spend two weeks together, even if most of the time they would be at the library studying. Andrew watched Ara from the back window of the cab as it drove down the street.

They had been up early, well not too early for Andrew but early for Ara, as he was on the morning flight to London. He gained the three hours back and so landed at Heathrow just before 11.00. Just after 2.30 Andrew was sitting in the library copying up the notes Olivia had taken for him that morning. By the end of the day, despite starting to feel pretty tired, he was caught up. By the time he finished at Addenbrooke’s he was shattered so grabbed a cab to go back to College. It had been wonderful to see Ara and he would do it again in a heartbeat, but it was also a long way to go for the weekend. Istanbul was the same distance as Moscow from London, a long way east. But a good night’s sleep followed by a swim had him back to normal. The only change to the usual routine of his week was the first career’s night on the Thursday. The following week there were two on back to back evenings, Wednesday and Thursday although they appeared to be duplicates so it was more about providing a choice for students. Andrew talked to Olivia about it over lunch that Tuesday.

“What do you think about Thursday?”

“Careers?”

He nodded.

“I am interested to see what it is like, what sort of questions they ask, if any. I do not think that the main French companies, SGE or Bouygues will be there. So I am going to use it as a practice for when I deal with my applications in France.”

“You are definitely going to return to France then? We have never talked about it. Have you not considered staying in Britain?”

That was a preview of Living Two Lives - Book 22. To read the rest purchase the book.

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