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Living Two Lives - Book 15



Chapter 1

Andrew opened the hotel room door for Rupashi. It was after 8.00 and their dinner had been tense as both were keyed up for the evening ahead. As the door closed behind them he could feel her tension. All the big talk of the last couple of days had given way to the reality of the here and now. Rupashi was looking at the bathroom expectantly.

“Come with me.”

He carefully led Rupashi into the room and after Andrew got comfortable in the armchair he guided her into his lap. Rather than him be stiff as a board, it was Rupashi who was almost frozen.

“Relax, this is supposed to be pleasurable not an ordeal.”

Andrew gently kissed her and they made out for a while just getting comfortable with the situation.

“I want to do this but I am fighting years of programing. Good Indian girls don’t meet men in hotel rooms for sex, especially not white men.”

At that moment Andrew didn’t think anything was going to happen. So he kept quiet and let Rupashi rest her head on his chest. Her voice was low and muffled, she was talking into his chest not looking at him.

“You will stop if I ask you to?”

“You know I will.”

At first nothing happened then her hand lifted his and placed it against her breast. It was soft and full and whatever else Rupashi was feeling her nipple was excited and out to play. Andrew didn’t try and tune into Tokyo and instead let the full breast rest in his hand, his fingers and thumb swirling around, random patterns rather than anything calculated. This appeared to be the ‘boiling the frog slowly’ approach as progress was glacial. But there was progress, Rupashi moaned into his mouth when Andrew concentrated on her nipple. A slight squirm to her hips also let him know her desire was moving throughout her body. Rupashi’s mind and her body waged war internally, but gradually her body won and her actions became more confident and spirited. Rupashi’s hands were running over his chest and abs and it was clear that she was taken with them. He lifted her off his lap, stood up and then placed her back in the armchair. Andrew went and sat on the end of the bed before unbuttoning his shirt. At that point he paused and just waited. When Rupashi smiled and walked over to the bed he thought there might be a chance this would work. She stood between his legs running her hands over his body. Leaning back Andrew flexed some of the muscles and she giggled.

“You are such a show-off.”

He nodded. So the slow and gradual relaxing continued, lots of kissing and caressing. What was the moment that everything changed? A simple thing. Her skirt was getting in the way of her attempts to straddle him so they could continue kissing. So without any hesitation Rupashi removed first her jacket, and then her skirt. Her blouse hung down covering her and she just climbed onto his lap, straddling him and carried on kissing. When she started grinding on him Andrew figured she had resolved her internal debate.

He grasped her arse, squeezing her cheeks and everything started moving quicker. Only a few minutes later and Rupashi pulled him back to his feet and started working on his belt and trousers while motioning for him to undo her blouse. An uncoordinated and inelegant scramble resulted in them both being naked standing in front of each other. Rupashi was trying to look and be brave but just looked adorably vulnerable. When he laid her back onto the bed and knelt between her legs she was ready.

Over the years Andrew had read stories about virgin brides, it is a common motif across cultures, and how virginity was this prize, often purchasing at great cost. Far too often it was described as being taken, rather than being offered. But when he looked at his own life it was so much more nuanced and complicated than that. When he thought about all the firsts that he achieved very few of them have anything to do with virginity. Other than Mary Jones and Rupashi Rai he had never been with a virgin, and only Mary had an intact hymen. But life was full of virgin experiences, the first time his partner had come from another person, too many to list them all. Hardly any of his partners had received oral sex. And that is why he thought about it at that moment. In the age of condom sex, eating someone out was almost the more intimate act. To make a woman come as a result of your fingers and tongue was a powerful aphrodisiac, at least it was to Andrew. He knelt there knowing that with skill and patience he was going to make Rupashi come. However tense she felt he knew he could bring her pleasure and that her body would do his bidding.

How much of this was an imagined memory? Probably all of it. At the time he was focused on something else, but he did think that this was a behaviour he had learned and acted upon unconsciously. He was an enthusiastic and greedy pussy eater.

What faced him was the most wild, unkempt tangle of pubic hair he had ever encountered. It was thick, jet black naturally, but also was everywhere. It wasn’t repulsive but Rupashi could never go to the beach or the pool like that. He put that thought aside and slid his hands under her cheeks. Teasing was for another day, this was all about pleasure, about shattering mental barriers. As Andrew ran his tongue from taint to clit Rupashi’s hips moved with him and a long drawn out ‘yessss’ escaped from her. 22 years she had waited for that moment, five years of watching classmates and friends hook up, 18 months of listening to Helena or Navya telling her what it was like, what Andrew was like. It all came to fruition that January evening.

Rupashi did not have big orgasms but she had lots of little ones, almost a permanent state of excitement. Andrew did nothing special, nothing fancy, just played with her. Nothing was a particular trigger but everything aided the whole. There was no thigh slamming moments but there was constant writhing and moaning. As he always loved doing this to a woman it was a most powerful aphrodisiac. There was no need for Rupashi to shove him away, a natural break point happened and Andrew climbed onto the bed and held her in his arms. Unlike Helena who could bounce back to reality freakishly quickly, it took Rupashi a few minutes to get the world back into focus.

“Show me how to use a condom.”

Okay then, so no second thoughts. Andrew grabbed a condom from the bedside table.

“Scoot down me so that you are sitting on my thighs.”

Once she was in position he ripped open the packet and then showed her the right way and wrong way before pushing it down over the head of my dick. Once it was on and not in danger of slipping off he took Rupashi’s hand in his and got her to roll it all the way down.

“We have done everything to get you ready and you are turned on and lubricated. But it will still be tight, your body is being stretched for the first time so go slow. You control the pace but you also have gravity helping you. Take your time.”

With that Andrew held his dick pointing straight up and waited. Unlike Mary who pushed down hard and got it over with Rupashi was achingly slow but eventually she bottomed out and the look of achievement was adorable in a sexy sort of way. Gently holding her hips they start fucking, slowly at first before picking up speed. The feeling was sensational, tight and grasping, he could visualise and feel her flesh parting and then closing back up as he fucked her. Given he had not taken the edge of earlier he was teetering on the edge of coming very quickly. His vanity was grateful when Rupashi stiffened on top of him and he could let loose, thrusting his hips up repeatedly as he filled the bulb. After tying off the condom Rupashi snuggled against him and Andrew waited for her to process what had happened.

“Thank you. That was everything I expected and yet nothing like I imagined it to be. And before you ask, I am fine, there are no regrets.”

She looked up at him and smiled.

“I know I was scared when we first got here but I really am fine. Pre-match nerves.”

He smiled at the analogy. She looked at him with a cheeky grin.

“How long to do you need to recover?”

As it turned out Andrew didn’t need very long at all once her small brown hand started playing with him. As Rupashi lay against him, her hand gently wanking him back to hardness, Andrew looked at the contrast in their skin. He was, would always be, very white, unable to risk tanning. This was the first Indian woman he had seen naked, and it turned him on. Why was Andrew drawn to Indian women? He had no idea. Tanvi was the first Indian woman he ever spoke to, maybe it was because of her. Stunning but so petite and vulnerable. She brought out the protective feelings in him. Whatever the reason the impact of the moment struck him and his dick hardened quickly. Rupashi looked surprised but pleased.

The great thing was the Savoy had high bedframes. Rupashi was all of 5’3” which meant aligning and matching heights was a challenge. With the high bedframe most of the problem was solved. Andrew wanted to look at his Indian lover, so he stood up, pulled Rupashi down to the end of the bed and looked at her. She looked embarrassed under his scrutiny.

“I want to look at you as I fuck you.”

He was wrapping up as he talked.

“Put your legs around me and lie back, arms spread. Let me see all of your beautiful body.”

All of this was new for her and she looked unsure but she was a quick study! Once Andrew started fucking her Rupashi lay back with this air of decadence, a ‘look at me, you can’t believe you get to fuck me’ attitude that just made him smile. Maybe at that moment she understood the power of sex, the power of her body. He fucked her through two quick orgasms with full and powerful strokes before eventually popping. Again after clean up Rupashi lay in his arms.

“I think your eyes fucked me more than your dick. That was quite the lesson in understanding what turns men on.”

“It is only part of it. Sure men are visual creatures but it is more than that. To see you happy, to be turning you on, just the sheer exoticness of you. I have been attracted to Indian women for years so this is a dream come true. You are the first Indian woman I have ever seen naked. If this is a one-time thing then I want to have that mental picture in my head.”

Andrew smiled before kissing her.

“One of the reasons that I am here with you in my arms is because you know that I found you, that I find you, very attractive. I am the ultimate safe guy, I have been that for so many different women. You are naked in the arms of a man for the first time, there is safety in my embrace.”

She lay there pondering his words.

“Yes that is part of it but it isn’t just because you are this safe guy. I think back to the night we walked and talked on the way back to College and you lifted me up, your hands on my bum and we kissed for ages. There was something about you, I am not sure I can explain it. I found myself lusting after you, so this is mutual lust. Especially with all the stories from Helena. Oh they were torture.”

Their chat meandered around but the angst, the uncertainty, all the baggage was gone. Sure it would be back in the morning but that night they stopped analysing everything and enjoyed the moment. Their final time that night also let Andrew take advantage of the height of the beds at the Savoy. Rupashi lay face down on the bed and he caressed and fondled her under the guise of a massage. Starting at her neck and throat he kissed and caressed her body all the way down to her ankles. Her body had a softness to it, her skin and the flesh moved under his fingers. By the time he was done they were both worked up. Positioning Rupashi at the end of the bed they fucked the final time that night in the doggie position. This position was the best for her, at least based on the comments of ‘yes, right there’, and Andrew fucked her hard. For her first night she was active and vocal in spurring him on and when he finally came Andrew sank to the floor as she slumped onto the bed. After they cleaned up and he had finally disposed of the three condoms they lay in bed, her head on his shoulder. Rather than carry on any of their conversations they drifted off to sleep.

The next morning Andrew slipped out of bed and did his exercises but didn’t shower. Back in bed he ran his hands over Rupashi’s body which had the twin effects of waking her up and turning him on. She blinked awake and just for a moment you could see the ‘where the hell am I’ look before she remembered and looked at him.

“How are you this morning?”

She stretched and you could see her run a mental inventory of her body.

“Good, although a little achy down there.”

She smirked.

“It had a good workout.”

Feeling Andrew prodding her hip just widened the smirk into a full-blown smile.

“Someone’s happy to see me.”

Rupashi was this wonderful mix of relaxed and shy all at the same time. Flirty and chatty in bed but suddenly aware that she needed to go to the toilet and she was lying naked in the bed. It was hardly a walk of shame but it loomed large.

“I promise not to peek.”

Whack duly delivered she scuttled off to the bathroom and Andrew could hear her cleaning her teeth as well.

“Where are the shirt and heels?”

She came back into the room looking stunning.


Rupashi looked surprised as Andrew jumped out of bed and opened the curtains before lying back down.

“Would you turn round for me please?”

Blushing she did as she was asked before scooting back under the covers.

“So you admire my legal mind, do you?”

“Yes. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t also admire your body.”

Andrew leaned against the headboard as he wrapped up for the final time.

“This is my favourite position. It lets me kiss you, which is all but impossible in other positions. It is also perfect for some gentle fucking.”

Rupashi beamed widely and knee-walked into position. The way she gingerly lowered herself onto him, he knew that they weren’t going to really fuck, it was a coupling, a feeling of closeness, togetherness. He cupped her arse and they kissed, both gently flexing keeping Andrew hard enough to stay inside.

“This is perfect Andrew. Thank you for being here for me, for doing this, and for not making it too weird. It was always going to be odd but this was great.”

“Come on Rupashi, this is wonderful, it is a fantasy come true. The biggest thing that attracts me to women is intelligence, all my initial sexual experiences were with women older than me, and I have an attraction to Indian women. So let me think, super smart, tick; older, tick; Indian, tick; and just to top it off hot as hell, tick.”

They went back to kissing for a long time. Rupashi and Andrew were attracted to each other, but sadly it was not enough. This was as far as Rupashi was prepared to venture from the expected path. This in and of itself was a significant decision. This wasn’t a quick fumble, this was fucking with feelings.

Rupashi had to get ready for work so he let her use the shower first, it would take her at least five times as long to get ready as he would. At 8.00 she was ready and they kissed for a long time, for one final time, before leaving the hotel room. They walked hand in hand to the lift but as they descended back to the lobby, to the real world, they stood apart and as Andrew walked over to check out Rupashi carried on walking, a sad smile on her face.

He swam much longer than he should have, managing not to cramp but only because the guard shouted at him to be careful. Realising that he was in danger of doing exactly that Andrew stopped immediately and went to change, thanking the guard on the way for dragging his head out of the clouds. The evening in some ways went as he had anticipated, including almost not starting at all. Rupashi had wanted it, she appeared to have enjoyed it and it was never going to happen again. It did not change his life at all, he was still no further forward in knowing himself, understanding what he wanted and needed in a woman, and was still a big old slut.

Back in the flat Andrew packed his bag and left Jim and Freya a note, thanking them as usual, and letting them know he would call in a couple of weeks and figure out when he was going to be back in town. The likelihood was not during term, the Lent term was always busy with OTC training weekends. By the middle of the afternoon Andrew was sitting chatting to Justin in his kitchen. They were alone, his parents out working and his sister back at boarding school. The conversation was similar to all the others over this break. A sense of drift, surprise that university friends are suddenly more important than school friends. All that was different with Justin was the long-distance relationship he was trying to maintain.

“Were your folks okay with you not spending Christmas with them? I’m guessing for the first time.”

“Yeah, they were okay. They know that it is the start of me moving away. I will not be a commuter like Dad, and Judy and I need to figure out the future. One of the things that drew us together is that we are both studying the History of Art. Now that is great but we would need to find two jobs not just one. So the future is a mess even although we are fine as a couple.”

“I hadn’t thought of that. I can see that will be an issue. Three year course or four?”

“Three but a lot of people do the Masters which would be a 4th year.”

Even when you think that you have found someone, however that is defined, there were still issues and obstacles. The two days in Balcombe were quiet and relaxing. They went to Brighton on the Friday and endured the Channel weather. British seaside towns can be naff at the best of times but in the second week of January they are miserable and naff. They wandered about but would have been better just staying at Justin’s home and chatting. Andrew ate well and Justin’s parents were good fun without trying too hard. On Saturday morning the four of them endured the weekend traffic and headed back to College. Another tumultuous break was finally over.


Chapter 2

Every time Andrew returned to Cambridge he immediately felt better, or at least calmer. For the fourth time he had returned without disappointment or regret at the end of the break. There was a stability to life at Cambridge which he did not have anywhere else. The Adams’ did not even bother staying when they dropped them off, Andrew helped Justin with his stuff and other than Justin getting a kiss from his mother their departure was wonderfully brief and low key.

“I love how your parents throw you out and just head straight home.”

“I know. You see some of the students and it is this long drawn out farewell. They have been home for six weeks and they will be back in nine or ten but you would think they are leaving forever. I will endure a peck on the cheek from Mum if they just drop and run. You being here was ideal to help with the bags.”

They had walked through into Whewell’s Court while talking and Andrew helped carry his bags up to his set.

“Come over any time after 6.00. We’ll see who else is here and decide about dinner.”

Back in his room in New Court Andrew unpacked, a task of seven minutes and then sat at his desk and thought about his life. He grabbed a pad of paper and thought about his life goals. Two of them were close to being retired from the list. Andrew could not stop exercising or swimming now, it was part of his daily routine. One thing to consider with life after university was access to a pool. If he ended up in his mews house in London then Marshall Street was not too far. But fitness as a goal was as ingrained as studying, it was part of who he was. Without being stupidly cocky Andrew also knew that university was a goal that was close to being redundant as well. Although he was less than half way through the course he was enjoying it, and felt he belonged. Just as five years before career had been a placeholder goal, so it was with those two.

But it was difficult and complicated after that. The remaining four original goals, as well as the unofficial seventh goal of love, were all interlinked in Andrew’s mind. Making a difference for many years been about the company and making money. That was done. Currently it was his personal commitment at Addenbrooke’s but it was not much more than that at present. Now volunteering at an emotionally draining ward was not insignificant but in one weekend in Paris Andrew had spent more time standing around naked while being filmed as he had as a ward volunteer for a whole term. This was where Karma intersected with this goal. Helping others without worrying about the impact on yourself, doing something for the right reason not for the publicity or to make you feel good. Now that was the very definition of working in the children’s cancer ward. But where Andrew got confused was with things like the Paris weekend. Heloise had wanted him as the other model in her commercial, for a whole variety of reasons. So he was helping a friend, but it was hardly a selfless act. Spending all day with three beautiful naked women and going back to the hotel with a fourth, everyone should be so lucky to be so selfless! But the mindset was doing something for them, and not caring about himself, which was true. Andrew’s friends and mentors had all been concerned about the future impact on him of showing his arse to the world and he had brushed those concerns aside. So Paris not only confused him on a personal emotional level but left him sitting there thinking about helping others and the ways that he had done that.

Paris and karma led straight onto balance, a goal he was getting better at. One of the ways that Cambridge had felt so calming was that this year it conformed to Andrew’s vision of student life, particularly the nights of dinner, cards, booze and conversation. He had a great bunch of friends, classes were going really well and he was getting laid a lot, especially at the end of the term. Andrew had seen or stayed with five different friends over the break and frankly was a better friend now there in Cambridge than he ever had been at school in Edinburgh.

That break in particular Andrew had been much better about stopping being a whiny teenage git worrying about friendship, sex and love. The abruptness of Suzanne stopping communication showed him that things changed very quickly. She had been a constant in his life for five years and in the space of a term had walked away. He hoped that their friendship would remain once things had settled down but at that moment he had no way of knowing. He and Helena had managed to smoothly move to friends without fucking over the course of the term and he saw her most weekends, as well as still getting her out of bed in the morning. As for him and Abi, it was all still too fresh. But she seemed to have purged the modelling fantasy from her mind and was still talking about dating and fucking other guys for the rest of the year. What this all meant for him? He had no idea, but he had finally listened to the ‘we are still young’ line that he had been using for the last two years. He was 19 and clueless as to what he wanted in his partner. Looking back on the previous week with Rupashi was a classic example. It had been a very memorable encounter but Andrew wasn’t sure what he thought about Rupashi. Yes, she was smart and sexy but she had always been honest about the future path of her life, even as they had flirted and chatted at the edge of that. Less than a week ago she wanted a night of passion and Andrew gave her that, but she didn’t want his love. For once he had not gone overboard, had reined in the hyperbole and just concentrated on the one night knowing that it was never going to be repeated. As Andrew sat and thought about all this, he kept coming back to Suzanne. What he had with Suzanne had grown and matured over years. From the earliest days of their friendship they had talked and the person he was most comfortable with in the whole world was her. He had felt her absence keenly and missed her in his life. He thought back to the engagement party, it would have been many times more relaxing and enjoyable with her there. As Andrew sat there he pondered her oft repeated statement that they had a sell-by date. Had it always been true?

The final goal was beyond the event horizon, nothing was visible to Andrew about his career. Unless he screwed up royally he was going to end up with a Master’s degree in Engineering from Cambridge University. A ticket to anywhere and anything he wanted. But what interested him was niche and specialised, and Andrew was not sure that it would hold his attention for a career. One of the challenges of having done so much in the last six years was that the following 45 stretched endlessly in front of him. He made a separate note to talk to Mhairi and get her started on setting up an engineering company. Leslie had reminded him of Seneca’s quote and he needed to start making some plans. If he was going to work on engineering problems, of whatever sort, then it was better to be ready. Mhairi had once told Andrew that the fees for a dormant company, a company in name only that was not active yet, were minimal. He also would grant Julian 10% of the company, the same as Julian was planning to do with him with his computer company. Good luck charms worked both ways.

It felt good to have something to do, something to move forward. It was also just a flash 19 year old setting up an engineering company because he could. Andrew was pretty sure that step was in lieu of him having any idea what the future held for him career-wise. But he had something on a list, something to do, it was the first step. So there it was, a review of his goals. Andrew sat there, on a cold January day thinking that he was pretty under control. Remember his record on clairvoyance?

Justin and Andrew were the only ones back of their group of friends so they went to Formal Hall, not for any burning desire but more from a ‘why not’ attitude. At Formal Hall you had to join the end of a table rather than sit apart in your own groups. This forced more mingling with people that you would not normally talk to, especially older years. Sometimes it was a slog but more often it was an interesting evening listening to people talk about obscure or specialist areas. Given that you could study almost anything at Cambridge there was an amazing array of different areas even within one College. Their dinner companions that evening did not stand out but who did catch his eye was the black woman he had seen a couple of times the previous term. She was not a member of the College to his knowledge but rather an occasional guest. She had a direct confident air to her and Andrew was caught staring at her a couple of times. She was with another group so he did not go over or anything so bold but he found himself smiling later that night as he thought about her.

Sunday Andrew swam as usual before heading to the library. He made his three regular calls to his Grandma, Maggie and Leslie, although he spent a fair bit of time talking to Julian as well. Andrew also tried Suzanne’s number and as usual she did not answer the phone. He left a message saying he had called but after what Leslie had told him before Christmas he didn’t bother with a longer message. She clearly had someone running interference for her. Andrew’s final call was to Heloise as there had been a letter waiting for him upon his return to College asking to give her a call. Andrew called and gave her the number and then waited for her return call. The usual chit chat, catching up on the holidays and all the pleasantries of life took up the first few minutes as usual.

“The reason I asked you to give me a call is about the commercials Andrew. I think they are going to be successful, and maybe even cause a bit of a sensation. What I wanted to check is that you have an agent because Veronique and Hermes are going to be inundated with enquiries about you.”

In Andrew’s mind he had put the shoot behind him, it was done and he doubted he would do something like that again. This just flung it all back in his face.

“An agent? Really?”

“Andrew, other people are going to want to work with you. They need somewhere to call.”

“But I don’t want any more work.”

“Doesn’t matter, they don’t know that. And you never know what the offer might be.”

Heloise’s tone was suggestive in the extreme.

“You behave.”

Giggling was his only response.

“Seriously, do I really need to do this? I don’t think I am going to do anything like this again, so what is the point?”

“To stop them bothering you. When the commercials are first shown there will be significant interest.”

Andrew could see her point but he just didn’t want to have the hassle of dealing with all this.

“And you should talk to Manon about a stage name as well. You don’t want them to start looking for you in real life.”

This was getting silly.

“And before you tell me that is ridiculous, save your breath. It is very important if this is not your life. Make up a name, confirm it Manon so that when the commercials come out everyone is looking for Andrew whoever, not you.”

Andrew was a poor conversationalist for the rest of the call but promised he would write soon and let her know what was happening with all this. Once he hung up he called Leslie back just so that she could laugh at him some more. Instead he was surprised.

“Wow, I had not thought about any of that. Had you?”

“Nothing, that is why I am calling you again.”

“Well my exhibitionist friend it is actually quite easy. We upgraded the switchboard at the office to deal with the two different Trusts. Given that the property company or fund was on the cards and Julian’s computer company soon as well I got them to give us five separate lines, separate numbers. We will use the fifth one for you until the fuss dies down. Morag knows how to answer the phone for all the different businesses, so this is just one more to deal with. There are days when she is light on work so it is not a big deal. She can be your agent and take all the messages. I will get her to organise a PO Box for you. What else?”

That last was rhetorical as Andrew was reeling from Leslie’s organised response.

“What is the agency called, and what are you called?”

For 15 minutes they went back and forth on the options.

“So Heloise thinks you should stay as Andrew but change your surname?”

“That’s what she said.”

“Okay, so let me get the atlas and figure this out.”

There was a momentary pause then she was back.

“Let’s put them off the scent. Go for a name that appears to be linked to another place.”


“Like Andrew Glasgow, or Andrew Aberdeen just not as blatant.”

“Oh right, I see what you mean. One of the islands maybe?”

“Okay. Harris? Lewis? Hoy? Flotta? Bressay?”

“Stop. Say that last one again.”


“I like that one as it sounds a bit French. Where is it? Orkney?”

“Close but no, it is one of the Shetland Islands.”

“There’s the name of the modelling agency. Shetland Models. Andrew Bressay.”

Poor old Leslie and Morag had a busy week getting all that put in place but to the general public he was now Andrew Bressay, model. When the commercials were released he was incredibly grateful to Heloise because it was chaos for a couple of weeks but that was all in the future.

Once his modelling persona had been created and dealt with Andrew sat down to write his start of term letters. Just catching up with a bunch of people, most of whom he had seen over the break. There was the usual short empty letter to his mother and a more personal one to Nikki and Fran. He followed up his call to Suzanne with a short note just letting her know that he had missed her at Christmas and that he hoped she was doing well. Two lines to Pete as usual confirming the weekend that he would be back in Edinburgh. The last two could not have been more different. First he wrote to Mhairi asking her to set in motion the engineering company. Given that he was giving Julian 10% he went with AMJS Engineering, using their initials was another good luck gesture harking back to their first company together. He would deal with signing the paperwork when he returned in March but Mhairi could get it all started in the meantime. Finally he wrote to Mandy Brown. Just a catch-up letter, as they always were, letting her know he was happy to answer any questions that she had and just maintaining a little correspondence. She was a year removed from Addenbrooke’s and was half way through her penultimate year at school. The upcoming summer she would be working on her UCCA application. Andrew smiled at the thought, despite having no idea whether she would even apply to Cambridge never mind Trinity. Her letters suggested that she had been doing well at school but that was all he knew. Andrew didn’t care where Mandy went to university, she was more important to him than that. She was totemic to him as a survivor, a living antidote to his doubts and despondency from volunteering in the ward. She was also the person that he had connected to the most, an anomaly based on the last year. If she had grown taller, put on some weight and her hair had grown back Andrew doubted he would recognise her if he walked past her but that was irrelevant. She had escaped, she had a life, a future and it meant more to him than it should. So all his admin tasks were done, and he could enjoy catching up with everyone back at the College. He had even managed to avoid lugging anyone’s bags this time.

Everyone was back and both Hall and the bar after were loud and busy. Everyone was talking over everyone else and the whole night was a great laugh. Helena was the only one that was a little quiet but Andrew never had a chance to chat to her. Matt and Navya were being ever more obvious about their status and it was good to see, although it made him think of Rupashi lying on the bed. Bad Andrew.

Abi and Andrew were the first away, again she was not being particularly discreet about their intentions either. They got back to his room after stopping to use the bathroom on the way up the stair. That night Andrew lay on his back at the end of the bed, his legs stretched out to the floor and positioned Abi above. He loved eating pussy like this, there was a very different dynamic to the act, he felt more in control of the woman’s actions, his hands on her hips had a better grasp then cradling her bum in the normal position. Andrew teased Abi for a long time, letting the tension in her body build. He was too often greedy and in a hurry to make a woman orgasm but on occasion, like that night, he teased for longer than normal. When you eat as much pussy as he did, then your partners all know that you can make them orgasm. Abi knew he could make her come and come hard so there was this sense of impending, well not doom exactly, but the longer Andrew held off the more intense the resulting orgasm. Or at least that was his plan.

Just the act of slipping two fingers into her had Abi shaking and when his dual assault started it was everything Andrew hoped. Grinding, knee slamming, it consumed her from her stomach to her knees. To produce that intense a reaction, that much pleasure, it got him every time. He slipped out from under Abi and let her lie on his bed recovering. After a quick wash Andrew lay beside her, stoking her back and bum.

“I knew it was going to be huge, I feel like I am floating, barely touching the bed, oh Andrew.”

The condom packet was left unopened, his relief would have to wait. Abi fell asleep within minutes, her beautiful face resting on his shoulder, stretched out naked beside him. His reward from an embarrassed friend was a spirited fuck first thing in the morning. She was all bent out of shape that she had fallen asleep but it was the strangest thing. With either Suzanne or Helena it would have been a game and their fucking would have reflected that. With Abi it was different, other than the fantasy about modelling, they didn’t mind fuck. He and Abi fucked hard and often but compared to either Helena or Suzanne it was still pretty vanilla. After swimming he stopped at Peggy’s Café for the first time that term.

“Morning luv. Hasn’t been the same without you here.”

His usual big bowl of soup was set down on the counter Andrew handed her the envelope with the money for the term.

“Thanks Andrew. How were the holidays?”

“Too long Peggy, too long. I missed Cambridge.”

He walked over to a table and nodded to Ron and a couple of his workmates. Andrew never normally spoke to any of the other regular customers but he would smile or nod to any that caught his eye.

After waking Helena he headed over to Hall for breakfast. Matt and Malcolm were there, the usual early morning crew. 40 minutes later they were all at the library working away. Both of them had embraced the concept that university was a job. They were not as extreme as Andrew but they had changed their study habits over the previous year without any fuss. Olivia also turned up and they all studied away until mid-afternoon. It was the first day back so they all called it quits at 3.30 but Andrew was going straight to the hospital so he stayed.

After six weeks away there was a significant turnover of patients on the ward. Helping the nurses allowed Andrew to speak to a few of the patients and he was able to talk to three of them for a little while. If he printed up a bio page for them all before he got there to get all the initial questions out the road it would allow him to spend more time just talking to them. At the start of the term after five or six weeks away there was a lot of rehashing of old ground, inevitable but it would have been nice to not have to do it every time. Anyway, once he had explained who he was and why he was there, they talked. It was those little moments of connection that made it all worthwhile.

Tuesday was a repeat of Monday, well without fucking Abi first thing, and Navya and Keith were also at the library. It was a camaraderie thing as much as anything. None of them, not even Matt and Navya, sat close to each other, it was someone to chat to for a few minutes over coffee and at lunchtime. But although Andrew was a total creature of routine the others saw the benefit of low key peer pressure. They studied different things and at different paces but they put the hours in and their stress was very much in inverse to their studying. For too many students it was the opposite.

OTC had only about half the cadets there that night. Once the assembled cadets had demonstrated they still remembered how to march they broke into small groups. The evening was all about where they were being sent for the annual camp. That summer the unit was going to Sennybridge in the Brecon Beacons. Now for a portion of the Company they were beside themselves. Sennybridge Camp was where a lot of SAS training was based out of. Initial selection to the unit was conducted from there and throughout the area. So the wannabe warriors were as happy as pigs in shit. For the rest of the group, the area’s reputation preceded it. Windy and miserable were the nicest things anyone could say about it. It wasn’t just Scotland that had the UK’s miserable terrain and weather, the Welsh had some too. And guess where the Army liked to train. Bah. So the cadets there were split three quarters one quarter between those who hated the thought and those who couldn’t wait. It was more than five months away but loomed large throughout that time. Andrew remember moaning about Bassingbourn and it only being 10 miles from Cambridge. Careful what you wish for. One look at the queue at Cindies convinced them of the folly of that plan so they went for a quick beer and then headed back to their respective Colleges. They would be try again the following evening.

Navya, Abi and Pedro went with Matt and Andrew to Cindies on the last night before classes started. They got there not long after it opened so Andrew didn’t even have to upset anyone at the bar. He got the first round in as usual and left Dean the barman with the change. Rollie and Jack had met everyone before and Pedro immediately joined up with Rollie and the pair of them started to scope the place out. Jack was still all loved up with Karen and they gave the appearance of an exclusive couple. He was still keen to come out to Cindies but most times Karen was there and the two of them just danced the night away. None of them, Jack included, thought he would be the first to settle down. Oh for the whole year in first year and then all loved up in second year, who would have guessed?

Andrew danced with Abi and when you dance with the most beautiful woman in the place you get used to being stared at. But Abi seemed to return one or two of the looks from a guy standing at the edge of a group. She really was going to try and test the waters this term.

So Lent Term of Andrew’s 2nd year started and as usual they were inundated with work from the very first day. But he found second year to be academically straightforward, not easy, but he spent the whole year on top of his classes, supervisions and labs, and a lot less stressed about how he was doing. Second term, Lent Term at Cambridge, was also heavy on civil and structural engineering, the disciplines Andrew was most interested in. As usual with his life, it was the activities outside his course and studying that caused all the excitement. That term it started with his modelling. He turned up to the Art School Studio as usual and Professor Wilkins was there.

“This is a split class Andrew. There are only a few fourth year students who are going to attend this extra class in the evening. So we have opened it to an extra-mural class as well. The fourth years will not be supervised, well I will come by occasionally but there will not be a constant presence, whereas there are two post-grads who will assist with the extra mural students. They are mainly non students from the town and surrounding area.”

Andrew shrugged.

“Sure. Do the fourth years need any particular poses?”

“No, just your usual pose I think. I had one of the classes make a prop for you, it adds some detail for the students and should make your studying easier.”

With that Wilkins went to address the students and Andrew followed him into the studio but went to where he normally placed his clothes, in the corner out of sight. Andrew looked to the centre of the room and smiled. They had converted an old lectern for him to use. There was a tilted desk surface for his notes or books but they had also attached a pair of chrome rails, just as there are in swimming pools. Andrew could now rest his arms, or even grasp these rails, adding a more realistic perspective to the beginners drawing classes. He placed his textbook on the lectern, assumed his pose and tuned the world out. He heard a gasp behind him but it wasn’t the first time so thought nothing of it. The volume was high for nearly 30 minutes before finally everyone settled down and all you could hear was the faint noise of brushes or pencils as people worked away. So the first hour was fine, just the same as the term before, and indeed the year before. All that changed at his first break. As Andrew stretched and looked around the room he came face to face with Peggy James. So the gasper was pretty easy to identify. She was sitting behind her easel looking everywhere but at him. He walked over.

“What are you worried about? That I am going to tell everyone you are a gownie after all?”

Her head shot round but Andrew was just smiling at her.

“I was going to say what are you doing here but that is rather obvious. Why are you here?”

“I modelled for some students last year, like those final year students over there. After I was done, and they were done with their work, Professor Wilkins asked me if I would be a model again. So here I am.”

“But why?”

“Last year, the students were desperate as they needed additional pieces for the final project. So I agreed to help out. You see me out there, as long as I have my books or notes I am oblivious to the world. Admittedly it is different than the library but it is the same purpose. Review my notes, go back over something if I didn’t understand it, or read ahead for the coming day or week. Just in less clothes than usual.”

Peggy blushed to the roots of her hair.

“Just think how much fun you can have teasing Beth about my body.”


With a smile he returned to pose and focused on his textbook. The second break arrived in the blink of an eye and as Andrew stretched Peggy was watching him.

“My eyes are up here.”

The woman next to her guffawed and Peggy blushed again.

“Ignore her Andrew. These are my friends Kathy and Sharon.”

Andrew extended his hand to shake theirs and after a moment’s hesitation they both did.

“What would my Bill say if he found me shaking hands with a half-dressed man.”

This was Kathy. Chuckles, better known as Sharon, piped up.

“It would depend on which half.”

Half the room heard her and it was now Andrew’s turn to blush as the laughter rang out. Sharon was the ringleader and earthy without a filter. Not in a mean way but it was disconcerting to have someone older than his mother making dirty comments, often about his body. With a rueful smile he returned to his position for the final hour, although it took a few minutes for him to focus on his work. Once the session was over Andrew dressed and packed his bag. Peggy came over.

“Sorry about Sharon, I’ll try and get her to dial it back.”

“Oh don’t worry about it. I am sure I shall blush every week but it is harmless.”

“How am I going to look you in the eye tomorrow morning Andrew? I can’t believe you are the model in my art class.”

“When I come in, just remember my eyes are up here.”


With a smile and a wave he was off. It looked like Thursday nights were going to be entertaining.

Abi wasted no time in going on a date with her admirer from Cindies, she was out with him that Friday night. So it was just Helena, Justin and Andrew in Justin’s room, drinking and chatting. According to Helena Abi’s date was a rower and on the Goldie crew. This was the second eight of the University. The most important sporting event at the University was the Boat Race, between Cambridge and Oxford. It was held on the Thames in central London and was one of, if not the only, university sporting events covered in the National media. The race was shown on television and it was a big deal. Compared to the ubiquity of collegiate sports in the US the contrast in the UK was absurd. One event was televised, it was rowing, between the two most elite and exclusive universities in the country. Anyway, most Colleges had a rowing club and there were inter-college completions throughout the year. But in addition there was the overall University Boat Club where the best individuals from different Colleges represented Cambridge. Goldie was the second eight, the guys not quite good enough to make the University eight. So within the university sporting hierarchy Philip, Abi’s date, was a big deal.

“I can’t believe Abi was with you on Wednesday night and two nights later is out with someone else.”

“This was the arrangement we talked about at the start of the year. I am her safety net but she wants, and needs, to find out what other men are like. She was pretty sheltered before she got here.”

“But still.”

“Let it go Helena. I will be fine.”

Helena stopped talking but Andrew could tell she wasn’t finished with this. Instead she changed the subject.

“I have decided I am going to stand in the elections for the Students Union here at the College.”

Justin and Andrew looked at each other.

“Okay, you have our vote. Well actually you don’t if it is the Woman’s Officer as we can’t vote.”

“No I am standing for Vice-President. One of my friends is the current one and he is standing for President next year. He asked me if I wanted to stand for VP and I decided I did.”

“How many other candidates are there? Do you have to do a speech, what are they called, hustings?”

“I am the only candidate at present, apparently there is often only one candidate for VP and at the moment it is just me. The deadline is next Friday and then the election is a couple of weeks after that.”

Neither of them knew what to say.

“What prompted this?”

“Just trying to make a bit of a difference around here. The College is gradually getting better but it is still pretty male dominated. Deal with some of the issues, especially the ones the College is not comfortable confronting.”

Again Justin and Andrew looked at each other in confusion.

“What do you mean?”

“The harassment of women, both here and in the university as a whole. They are getting better but it is still glacial at times. One of the women at another College was raped last term and how she was dealt with was appalling. What was she wearing, what did she do to lead him on? Just fucking bullshit like that.”

Justin and Andrew had no idea what to say.

“Don’t look so scared. I know it is not all men but it just grinds me at times when I hear attitudes like that. I can’t wear a short skirt to Cindies because it clearly means I want a man to rape me. Fuck that.”

Andrew thought he could get worked up. He saw Helena exhale loudly.

“Sorry but it is good that you hear what it is like. If I danced with a random bloke at a club and something like that happened to me then those are the kind of questions I would be asked. It isn’t right. So that was the trigger for me wanting to do more. It is generational as well. The younger lecturers get it and there is more of a gender balance there but the older generations, the ones with all the power.”

Helena just shook her head. Later as they walked back to New Court Helena slipped her hand into Andrew’s arm.

“Can we go for a walk, I would like to talk to you.”

Once they were over the river and at the South Paddock they started a slow circuit round it.

“Ed and I broke up and it was messy. We had been good together over the summer and the start of last term as well. But I wasn’t going to rush all the way back home every weekend and so he cheated on me. And it is not the act, it is the words. He was jealous of everyone here and was always asking me if we were still exclusive, still a couple. It was a bit clingy but I liked him so I put up with it. Of course the cheating git banged a couple of women back home and thought he could keep it quiet. It blew up about 10 days ago after a lovely, but now clearly fake, Christmas and New Year. So I am out of sorts, between that and then what happened last term.”

“I am sorry to hear that things did not work out for you. You seemed very happy last term.”

“I think back to your words from last year all the time Andrew. We are still very young. What we had last year was great, it was the perfect way to transition from school and home to here. And it wasn’t that I wanted more or an exclusive relationship but I needed to break free from you. I needed to see if I could commit, be faithful while not getting all starry eyed. One of things that Ed did go on about was all the Cambridge men which I didn’t get at first but I realised during the break that he was jealous of me being here. I didn’t get that at first but as he left the way he talked made it pretty clear. So here I am, back to square one.”

The was a pause before Helena held Andrew’s arm and they stopped, looking at one another.

“I can’t believe I am saying this. I miss you Andrew. And nothing has really changed from last year other than one thing. And I would like to rekindle that if possible. I don’t know what you and Abi have talked about or agreed but I want what we had last year again, if possible.”

He stood there, typical Andrew, all flustered when a woman hits him with a stick.

“Stop looking so bewildered.”

He relaxed and laughed.

“You had time to think all that through in your head. I just heard it for the first time.”

Part of his silence had been a mental rewinding of the highlights of Helena and him from last year. Oddly he felt light-headed. Suddenly Andrew lifted Helena off the ground and pressed her against the trunk of one of the trees that edged the Paddock. Supporting her bum he leaned in and kissed her, a kiss that was returned with vigour. Andrew broke the kiss and moved his head to her neck, kissing her and starting to murmur in her ear.

“So it is back to frilly nighties in the morning, is it?”


“Maybe nothing at all?”


“Can you imagine my conversation with Abi? Will you share your toy with Helena?”


“Maybe I will need to convince her. Would you have your ear against the wall as I persuade her?”


“Maybe she will have her ear against the wall when I ravish you?”

Whack, whack. She grabbed his head.

“That is exactly what I missed. You being an arse but still getting me all hot and bothered. How is it you can get me so worked up just by talking to me. Goddamn it Andrew, I’m horny now.”

Andrew gently returned her to the ground and kissed her softly.

“I need a cold shower myself. Look Abi wants to go out with other guys this term, work on taking the stabilisers off. But we never talked about me. I think if it was someone new and unknown then I am not even sure I would tell her. But it is not, it is you. I don’t think it will be an issue but I am going to talk to her about it. Now come on, let’s head back.”

Andrew had a goofy smile on his face as they walked back to New Court. Helena Innes. Hmmm.


Chapter 3

For Andrew the first weekend back at university was easy going. He ran on the Saturday and swam on the Sunday but other than that goofed off, for him quite the rebellion. But it was also important for him because there were very few other weekends when he wouldn’t be busy. In two weeks’ time it was the anniversary of Faith’s death, already six years in the past. There were four OTC weekends, the first one in a week’s time, plus trips to Edinburgh and maybe London. So Andrew studied a little but mainly relaxed, chatting to, and catching up with, Navya, Nigel and Pedro. The one thing that did surprise him was that Navya appeared to have no idea about his liaison with her sister. On the Sunday afternoon Pedro and Andrew sat in the common room catching up. He had been concerned about returning to Madrid and it appeared he had been right to be concerned.

“How were things back in Spain?”

“A bit awkward and odd to be honest Andrew. We moved many times until I was 12. Cartagena, Cadiz, Ferrol, even Las Palmas, we moved wherever Papa was stationed. For the last six years though, I was lucky and we were in Ferrol the whole time. I think of Ferrol as my home, school friends, girlfriends, most of my memories are there. Now I have gone to Britain to study, I have moved away but it was my base, my anchor. When I returned there it was to warm memories, good friends. Now suddenly I am in Madrid, Papa has a new and important position at the Defence Ministry. After the Generalissimo died and especially after 1981 there has been a forced turnover of many senior officers. Papa has benefited from this, too junior to be suspect and out of the way in Ferrol when all the craziness happened. So this is a significant step, a significant promotion.

“But it leaves me feeling stranded, isolated there. Suddenly I am at university in Cambridge during the term and there in Madrid when I am not. I feel like an outsider, not of there, not Castilian, just a bit lost. During the break I missed Cambridge, it felt more familiar than life in Madrid did.”

“Why was it different to last summer?”

“I buried my head like an ostrich last summer, chased pretty women, visited Ferrol, it did not seem so bad. But when I got back on the first Friday the weekend was tough. Too much fussing from Mama, too much time on my hands. Pah, listen to me moan like a schoolboy.

The sense of dislocation that Pedro was feeling pervaded everything. Spain was inching closer to joining the European Union, the treaty would finally be signed the following summer. Pedro, multi-lingual, educated in both Spain and Britain, would have a multitude of options and opportunities. At times Andrew felt it was like listening to himself, a sense of rootlessness, not sure of what he wanted to do, even whether he would return to Spain. Pedro was close to his family but he was unsure what it all meant, then and in the future. Another 19 year old facing up to the changes that had shaken his comfortable existence.

In return, Andrew talked for a while about his own issues and concerns on these exact same issues. It was all rehashing of old talks with Suzanne and Leslie but just to a new audience. But for both of them, talking it through helped in an intangible way. They solved nothing, resolved nothing but just knowing that it was a phase that students seemed to do through. Intellectual puberty, it was not your mind or body that was changing, it was the experiences, the certainties of the past no longer holding true, with all of them, a combination of too many choices and no clue what to do with it all, how it all held together.

It was a serious meaningful sober chat but it confirmed what so many of Andrew’s friends were feeling. And it solidified the already strong friendship between the two of them.

Monday morning Peggy seemed to have calmed down about her art class and the fact that Andrew was the model. She couldn’t look at him on Friday whereas by then she was back to normal. The OTC night before a training weekend was always full of pointless shouting. Andrew thought the staff just liked to practice to keep in shape. More than half the night was preparation for the weekend with the rest training time as usual. They didn’t even bother trying Cindies and with Jack no longer always going on about chasing women they actually discussed the heresy of not going there at all. Not since Luther had such a radical suggestion been proposed. They still went but there was a sense of a force of habit rather than any burning desire. When Andrew returned to his room after the parade Abi was just saving her work and powering down his computer.

“Can we chat for a minute Andrew?”

“Sure Abi. What’s up?”

He had a pretty good idea. Her inability to look him in the eye made it obvious.

“I am going out with Philip and I don’t think we should sleep together at the same time. I know all the talk at the start of term and back at the start of the year but now that I am going out with him I can’t just jump into bed with you. I am not that person.”

Andrew was not sure he had ever felt sluttier.

“I understand Abi.”

“I am changing the rules to suit myself all the time. Last term I wanted the security of you and I thought I wanted that again this term, even as I date other people. But as soon as it actually happens it is ‘hands off’.”

She shook her head.

“Sorry. You will still let me use your computer, yes?”

“Hey, this is all part of the plan, figuring stuff out. It is never as easy as it seems at the start. Feelings and circumstances change. The only thing I will say is that I am not going to sit and wait hoping that it falls apart. You are my friend and are still welcome to use the computer on Tuesday and Thursdays but I will go out with other people.”

“I realise that. Thank you for the computer.”

With an awkward hug she left and Andrew stared at the closed door for a long time. There seemed to be no point to discussing Helena with her, it fell under the category of ‘none of your business’. At the same time he was sad, and in a moment of honest reflection, felt used by Abigail Wilson. She had done exactly what they had talked about but he was the classic friend who she could fuck, while she figured out what she wanted from a man. And she had stayed in Andrew’s bed until after Paris. Hmmm. But then, being the pig that he was, Helena’s expressive eyes popped into his mind.

Andrew dragged Helena to Cindies the next night and had one drink the whole night. They were on the dance floor for a couple of hours before they left to walk back to College. The look on Helena’s face as he directed her over to his stair was wonderful. She went from surprised to excited to sultry just walking across the Court. By the time they got to his room clothes were already coming off. Grabbing a pillow Helena knelt in front of him, took his dick into her mouth and just knelt there. No hands, no tongue, no sucking, no movement, nothing. All Helena Innes did was look at him. Her eyes were sparkling, her expression went from flirty and sultry to shocked, her go-to look of depraved innocence. Her smile when Andrew came convulsively was smug. God, she knew how to get him off, it was embarrassingly easy. Andrew didn’t even get a chance to pull Helena to her feet she was already lying on the bed, legs wide apart, pussy glistening, waiting for him to reciprocate. There was no need for subtlety, no need for teasing, the only thing Andrew needed was a brief moment of time to recover.

He threw the pillow to her to save Beth’s ears and sensibilities and went to work. Helena was as worked up as he had been and her first orgasm was as quick as his own. She also had the quickest recovery time he had ever seen so he barely paused in his caressing. Just as she was close to coming for a second time Andrew stopped and looked around for the condoms. Unkind words were thrown at him as he wrapped himself securely. Andrew just looked at Helena and she shivered under his gaze.

They were too turned on and worked up for their fucking to last long. Andrew had Helena bent in half, her ankles on his upper chest, her knees practically on her shoulders, as they rutted furiously. They both stared at each other with unblinking ferocity but such intensity, at least for them, could only be sustained for a few minutes. When Andrew came it was as if he was being prodded in the small of his back at the base of his spine. He was barely able to remove the condom before slumping on the bed. Helena climbed onto him, which was more intimate than what they had just done, and smiled at Andrew waiting for him to return to this world. Finally he looked at her and she smiled.

“I am going to have strained stomach muscles for the rest of the week and it is so worth it.”

If she had been a cat Helena would have been purring right then.

“You have the most expressive eyes of anyone I know. I can’t believe you made me come from just looking at me.”

He shook his head.

“I am not 14 for heaven’s sake.”

Helena just giggled.

“It only really works on you Andrew. The whole mental side of fucking is something that very few people understand. You are so good at just painting this picture in my head. What I am good at doing is letting you know how I feel with my eyes. Every time I give you the shocked virgin look, oh my god I can’t believe I have a cock in my mouth, that look, I swear your dick twitches. What is it about men and corrupting innocent young women?”

“I have no idea. Nobody does it like you can. Nobody. It is hardly a skill for your CV but it is a real talent.”

Helena laughed out loud.

“Other accomplishments, I can make a man come just by looking at him.”

It was good to have Helena back in his bed, even if it was only for a little while. Once they had peed and cleaned their teeth they carried on talking.

“So what do you plan to do about men? Are you still going to date, either here or at home?”

She sighed.

“I have no idea. Probably not much this term unless somebody really turns my head. I’ll see what happens but the nice thing is there is no rush. And if I do decide to date someone then I think it will start casual.”

Andrew kept his own counsel on that one.

Waking up with Helena in his arms brought back lots of fond memories, including remembering how crap she was first thing in the morning. She grumbled away before he left for his run and swim knowing that he would wake her before heading to breakfast. At the café Andrew teased Peggy when he arrived but she was over the worst of her blushing. As he handed his bowl back she looked at him and muttered.

“I’ll see you tonight.”

They both laughed and Andrew could tell that she was going to have fun with this all term. But first he had to wake grumpy pants who was less than pleased for cold hands on her arse cheeks.

“You bastard.”

“Come on you adorable thing. Get up, time for the walk of shame. What do you bet there are at least three people you know in the Court between my stair and yours?”

“Oh shut up, that’s not funny.”

Right before Andrew opened the door he leaned down and kissed Helena. No words were said but their smiles were very loud. She managed to scuttle across and into her stair without having to deal with any knowing looks or comments and Andrew headed off for breakfast.

That night at the first break he belatedly introduced himself to the six final year students who sat apart from the ‘amateurs’. He was always fascinated by what people put down on the paper because based on last year, and even last term, what was there on the paper or canvas bore little resemblance to him. The second break he ran the gauntlet of Peggy and her friends. Sharon started.

“So have you been teasing Peggy much?”

“Not really. I am only in for 10 minutes or so each morning and it is a busy time. If it was quiet and there weren’t too many ears I might but at 7.40 it is not possible.”

“Why do you go to the café for breakfast? Don’t they feed you at those Colleges?”

“Extra protein on the way back from the pool. I swim every morning. I’ve got to keep this body looking good for all you lot.”

It was good to be able to laugh with them. The break was only five minutes so all his interactions that term were these little snippets. It was fun and light-hearted but nothing more.

Less than 18 months earlier Andrew had told the recruiting sergeant that he needed to work on his leadership. That winter he discovered, to his surprise, that many things he previously had worried about were no longer an issue. When Andrew thought back to some of the key moments in his life there were several moments going all the way back to his earliest teenage years, where things happened that had a profound impact on him. But his increased confidence in both leadership and command, that happened gradually. The change was most marked that winter but it had been the work of many individual moments and many months. Settling at Cambridge, doing well on his course, these were the bedrock of it. But the success of working the previous summer was a huge help as well as realising that he had a group of good friends, both male and female. It all came together over the term aided by some disturbing and disgusting situations that he had to deal with.

All four training weekends were at Stanford Training Area. Less than 50 miles away, used for training by regular and reserves forces as well as all the OTCs in the area. In the first year as a cadet you have to demonstrate at least competence across a range of military fieldcraft. Basic first aid, map reading, weapon care and maintenance, communication, military knowledge as well as the more obvious of fitness, drill and marksmanship. As you can see there was a lot to get through in those eight days and nights. Having passed this themselves the 2nd years, now Junior Under Officer Cadets, worked with the new Cadets on these fieldcraft skills. It was a two tier approach. There were Permanent Staff, predominantly Corporals and Sergeants, with them at all times. They were there to ensure that the new Cadets got the correct training and instruction. At the same time there were other Staff who were evaluating the JUO’s leadership skills, planning, communication, presence. Were they helping the new Cadets or just making it worse or confused? So part of every weekend was being guinea pigs and assisting with the initial fieldcraft. The rest of the time was spent working with the more senior Staff, including officers, on leadership tasks. Sounds bland when you say it but it is a nice catch all summary for a list of things that would run for a couple of pages. You had to present a short lecture on a set subject, starting to acclimatise you to speaking in public and in front of numbers of troops; advanced map reading and communication; and building up the different skills needed to plan a tactical exercise, the main test that the JUOs faced at the start of Easter Term.

Maybe it was because the exercise was something that Andrew could study for, and had already the previous year, but he was not worried about it. This confidence translated into his approach to the OTC all year. He was a better than average cadet and planning a small exercise held no fears for him.

All of this is by way of background to the four training weekends. Whereas before Andrew just ignored idiot cadets, both the previous year and again that current year, now he started to see them for what they were, poorly prepared, and not very good at the tasks presented. So that first training weekend Andrew developed a bit of a reputation for being a hard arse. Nothing shouty or stupid but he had high standards and made the new cadets train properly. He wasn’t the most demanding but he was on the podium. There were a couple of times where the Permanent Staff intervened and accepted something that Andrew was ready to make them do again, and he learned that it was a fine line between high standards and being an arse. His own feedback was solid, he was not asking the cadets to do anything he could not do himself. But it gave him his first contact with Arthur Sherard, not yet 19 but someone who thought he ruled the world already.

This pathetic boy masquerading as a man was a taker of the worst sort. Entitled, undisciplined and of the opinion that the rules that the rest of them had to obey were mere suggestions for him. Andrew had heard him around the TA Centre during the autumn but had had nothing to do with him. He was rich, well his family was, and thus was surrounded by bootlickers and sycophants and Andrew just steered clear. That cold January day he demonstrated that he was a lousy cadet, so Andrew made him repeat several elements of the task until they were performed satisfactorily. All the while listening to Sherard bellyache at him. In the mess that night Sherard was giving Andrew shit, not to his face, but to the collection of yes men around him. If he was called a miserable Jock bastard once it must have been ten times. Andrew didn’t care particularly as Sherard was a weasel and a bully and given Andrew’s height and size he was all talk and no trousers.

So when he was called in to see one of the two Majors in the Company Andrew was disappointed but wasn’t surprised. He expected no less, running to teacher behind his back.

“McLeod, I have had a complaint against you from Cadet Sherard. He claims that you were picking on him today during training, making him repeat elements of the training when he had already performed then satisfactorily.”

Andrew said nothing but merely stood at attention.

“What do you have to say for yourself?”

“Twice over the course of the day I was told by the Permanent Staff that I could let something go, it had been done satisfactorily even though I wanted the cadet to repeat it. Neither instance was with Cadet Sherard. He and I were both supervised at all times.”

Andrew could see the Major sigh.

“I know McLeod I know, but Sherard is kicking up a fuss and his uncle is a General.”

When you don’t know what to say, say nothing.

“I will deal with his complaint. Dismissed McLeod.”

So there you have it. Andrew’s mate Rollie, father also a General, never mentioned his family or connections, took the job seriously and was a credit to his father. Then there was this pointless twat Sherard, whinging to Mummy about being made to read the fucking map properly. Andrew wasn’t even sure why the Major had called him in, other than to cover his own arse. Unsurprisingly he was not anywhere near Cadet Sherard the following day or on any subsequent training weekend.

Andrew tended to tune out the annoying entitled arseholes both at Trinity and across the University. He had been doing that across all parts of his life for seven years now. Engineering was a tough course with demanding hours and so had a much smaller proportion of tossers than many courses. Both Justin and Helena had many more on their courses. For a lot of people Cambridge is intimidating and there is without doubt an undercurrent of privilege to the place. But for nerds like Andrew it was all but invisible. Actually that is not true, it was visible but he ignored it. He didn’t hang around the College bar much and when he was there he was with his own group of friends.

Another week was in the books and the relentless routine of university life marched forward. But the coming weekend loomed large for Andrew. For the first time since she died he would not be able to quietly remember Faith Campbell on the day of her death. It fell on a Monday that year and the crematorium in Cambridge did not open until after his classes started and closed before his lab was over. Unless he was prepared to skip a class he would have to commemorate her the day before. All week Andrew was out of sorts, not hugely but just enough to realise it was playing on his mind.

Sunday February 3rd, 1985 was just as miserable in Cambridge as it was normally in Scotland. Cold, windy and wet. Andrew took a cab out to the crematorium and walked over to the same grove that he had stood at the previous year. He always went through a range of emotions on that day but for the first time the strongest feeling was guilt. Six years on the survivor guilt was stronger than it had been in years gone by. Why did it hit him then? Too many good things happening to him? Andrew was healthy, smart, rich and getting laid a lot. Less flippantly, he had been lucky across many facets of his life and had experienced so much. It was the fact that Faith never got to experience any of it that hit him hardest that day. The tears were short but intense and Andrew stood looking out over the fields beyond the grounds for a long time thinking about all the things that Faith never got to experience. Her final weekend was not as sharp that year, the anger was still there but the memory of her final 48 hours was not his main focus. Every year before he had been angry and then resolved, that year it was sorrow and guilt. Andrew must have stood there for more than an hour just purging the emotion. Finally he calmed and walked quietly back to the main building and called for a cab back into town. He ate an early dinner out with College and then went to his room and shut out the world.

The next day, the anniversary of Faith’s death, was tough. He wasn’t the greatest conversationalist during the breaks between lectures and was glad to head to Addenbrooke’s and get away from everybody. He started to come out of his funk that evening, the battle still needed to be fought, and there was no point moping around like a sulky five year old. But when Andrew returned to College and checked his mail slot the best tonic was there, a letter from Mandy Brown. It said nothing but it represented hope and the future. Her classes were going well and this was the first time that she confirmed that she was applying to Trinity that autumn. He smiled at the thought of Mandy as a new Fresher in 20 months’ time. It was way too premature to consider that but it was a good way to end the day.

The rest of the week was almost identical to the week before. OTC was all about planning for the upcoming weekend training exercise. Sherard was being his usual entitled arse self but their paths did not cross. What was interesting to see was how his antics were tolerated by the officers of the Permanent Staff. Another layer of Andrew’s onion of naiveté was stripped away. Here was someone who had been denied nothing, never been told no, a classic taker because he had always taken and thought nothing of it. And the threat of his uncle the general was never far below the surface.

On Wednesday Helena joined the four of them at Cindies and they danced for a while but who were they kidding? They slipped away into the February night and returned to Andrew’s room. The thing he realised was that Helena enjoyed sex as much as he did. That term was all about exhausting sex, fucking until they were shattered and then falling into a deep sleep. They were friends, and had stayed friends in Michaelmas term, but this was a revelling in the physical act. Andrew thought that but of course it was never just that with him. What he and Helena enjoyed just as much was the mental aspect of their fucking.

“Have you always talked to your partners during sex?”

Helena was lying on him, as usual sparkling and clear headed, while Andrew could barely remember his name. He thought for a second.

“Mostly I think. But it is mainly the two people that I have had sex with the most.”

He stopped and thought again.

“It started my very first time because she spoke to me that night. She called me her fantasy and went on about me. I think she was the first person that really took note of my body and talked about it in an explicitly sexual sense. I mean we were lying just like we are right now and she talked about being lean or something like that. So it started that first night. After that it gradually ramped up. But there have been lots of missteps on the way as well. I can get carried away and I have hurt people with the words. Not deliberately but it has tempered my comments since.”

Helena looked thoughtfully at him.

“Would you tell me about it?”

So after a moment of thought Andrew shared the story of Allison and how he had taken their fantasies too far.

“So she had all these repressed desires?”

“I think so. I was the first person that saw her as a sexual person. We went overboard and it backfired horribly. I was very upset at myself for doing that to her.”

“Did it change you?”

“Yes, in that I stay clear of things like that, and I don’t push so hard at the beginning. But it also reinforced the power of talking to a woman in bed. We have talked about this before. Other than that first woman, I have only ever fucked smart women, who were going to, or were at, university or college. They are going to have a life and a career separate and distinct from just being a man’s wife. I want and support that but I am having trouble with striking the right tone when I lie in bed with them. I want them to be more than just a pretty face and a lovely body but lying here right now I am not thinking about your mind. You have told me the same thing from your perspective, it is one of the things that I struggle with.”

“I know what you mean. I think back to last week. I loved how you wanted me, needed me. There is nothing like a good hard fuck, to see the look in the other person’s eyes. But then lying in bed the next night I have all these doubts about being only defined by my sex. I worry that you only like me because I will sleep with you. Relax, relax, I am only using it as an example. You are probably the exception that proves the rule. You were as nice to me last term as you were the year before. You treat me no differently than Navya and you have never had sex with her. Hell, you treated me no differently than Abi last term. But it is something that a lot of women around here think about. Being seen and treated as equals for the purposes of getting us into bed, but the man not really meaning it. You just have to listen to some of the ugly chat at the bars to know that there are a lot of sexist pigs out there.”

“The reason I bring that up is because the mental sex, the talking as we fuck, that can be very confusing. You know that I have done some pretty ‘out there’ stuff. The hooker fantasy is probably the most extreme. It was the woman’s idea, she wanted to experience it but the reality was very different. A lot of what I said upset her, now it was in line with what she wanted but when I slipped money into her garter belt and told her she was bought and paid for, it became too much.”

Helena looked horrified on his chest.

“I know. I try to be more careful now but it is still a learning process for me.”

Helena lay there looking troubled.

“I don’t know why I am admitting this but I have had a hooker fantasy as well. Was it really terrible?”

Andrew mentally shook his head. Him and his big mouth.

“It came about from some throwaway line I once said. It was something like I would dress her up in a big flowing skirt and peasant blouse and then take her to the stable like a serving wench of old and have my way with her. There must have been a reason for the comment, the idea of a role-play like that but I don’t recall it. Anyway it built from there. Months later she came back to me and confessed a hooker fantasy, so we tried it. I made her sit in our hotel room naked, looking at the clothes she was going to wear. 30 minutes later she sat beside me in a bar and negotiated selling a night of sex to me. After some haggling I openly slid a room key to her and made her wait in the bar for five minutes. When she got to the room I put money in her garter belt. It was the money that was the final straw. When we were lying like this later, and the money was still in her garter belt, she confessed it had been too much for her. So I ripped the money out, told her how much I cared for her and held her in my arms all night.”

Andrew didn’t think Helena either breathed or blinked as he told the tale.

“Fucking hell Andrew. That was pretty intense.”

He nodded.

“Did you see each other again?”

“Oh yes, we were on holiday. I explained it as her liking seafood and wanting to try squid, only to discover she was allergic. Tried it once, never to try it again. We moved past it quickly and have used the analogy several other times.”

More troubled silence. A long silence. Then suddenly a snorting laugh.

“Here I am lying naked in your arms and you have just befuddled my mind completely. You have just told me in grim, graphic detail about something and I am wondering how I would cope with the same thing. Stupid.”

Andrew thought about that.

“No, not really. With a lover it can be a sexy game, just like anal is. If next Wednesday you turned up here after a night at Cindies and you had a garter on and I slipped some money into it, that’s just a game between lovers. What I did was make it too real. If we went away for the weekend and booked into a hotel room and made you do the same thing, I think tonight’s conversation would freak you out. For my friend it was a power dynamic sort of thing. The hooker has the power because the man has to pay to have sex, he can’t get a woman without having to pay, but at the same time, once you are bought and paid for, you have negotiated what he is going to do to you, then you no longer have control. You can let go, give a blow job because you were ‘made to’, stuff like that.”

A night of long silences.

“It is horribly complicated.”

“Yes. And just to be clear I don’t think I would do that fantasy with you. I don’t think I would enjoy it and most importantly I would be worried about you.”

“Why did you do it for your friend?”

“A long story which I am not going to share. It gets too personal.”


Indeed. Suddenly Helena smiled at him.

“Who the hell else could I have this conversation with Andrew. This isn’t just sex, it is understanding yourself, growing up. You have done a lot of things that other people have barely thought of.”

She smiled again and nibbled her bottom lip.

“Will you talk to me while you fuck me?”

Once again, Andrew appeared to be surrounded by kindling and playing with matches. So he took it easy, did not say much, and what he did say was bland and benign. And Helena knew it. She didn’t even try and fake an orgasm.

“Scared of upsetting me?”

He nodded.


“Talk to me Andrew. What would you have said?”

“Helena, I don’t know how you will react to stuff.”

“Try me.”

Andrew sighed and pushed her off him and stood to find his wallet. Taking a £10 note out of it he grabbed the lube and came back to bed. Without a word he slid the money under Helena’s watch strap, the only place that money would stay in place on her otherwise naked body, flipped her onto her stomach and started lubing her arsehole. All without a word. It was too soon after his last orgasm for him to be remotely ready to go again and he was not sure he would have been hard anyway. But he half rested on Helena, his dick down between her thighs so that he could whisper in her ears.

“Remember when I fucked you after Easter last year? You taunted me about imagining a blow job as a thank you for the scarf and instead I buggered you. And you laughed and said careful what you wish for. This is your last chance.”

Andrew heard Helena gulp but also knew she wouldn’t back down.

“Say it.”

“It is terrible, isn’t it? Being so smart, so inquisitive. Here we are, having spent part of the night talking about how women try to manage a career, be treated as equals by men, and yet still be a woman. But there is that awful dichotomy within you. You want it all, not even knowing what ‘all’ is. You have goaded me into this, demonstrating your power, yet tell me how you feel right now? A whore who has sold her arse for a tenner.”

Her gasp and the tension in her body said it all. Andrew pushed himself off her and lay down beside her, throwing the money on the floor. And then waited. Finally the words came.


Helena had nothing to be sorry for but as with Suzanne, her hooker fantasy was roleplay with a partner. He just held her for a long time.

“It wasn’t the money with me it was the words. The way you devalued me, it was awful.”

Helena held his arm tight against her that night, needing the closeness and the comfort. The following morning when he returned from his swim she was awake, unusually, waiting for him.

“Thank you for listening to me last night. Can I stay tonight since you are away this weekend?”

The day passed as any other. Classes were fine and modelling was four five minute flirts with Peggy and her friends with studying in between. It was harmless, three middle-aged women flirting away. Now Andrew had Helena Innes waiting for him in his bed when he got back to College so he could be excused for missing a few cues from some wannabe cougars. When Andrew returned to his room Helena was waiting to pounce. But she wanted connection and so they got themselves into the ‘making love’ position, him with his back against the wall.

“Sorry about last night. I should not have pushed so much.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“I don’t understand why I did it though.”

“I think very smart women, the ones with the ability to get here have for the most part been defined by their brains rather than their looks or bodies. And they want it all. Like I said I just don’t think many of us, female or male, know what ‘it all’ really means. What you wanted to try was an extreme swing the other way. That is the best I can come up with. Look at how crazy most Freshers are when they first get here, all the drinking and bed hopping. The rules we have lived by for so long, the parental control exerted on us, it is all finally gone.”

“Yes, but we are half way through 2nd year.”

“It doesn’t change the fact that you are a beautiful woman trying to make your way in the world, in a male dominated world, and you don’t know how it all fits together.”

“Is it that simple? It seems too trite, too easy.”

“I am just an engineering student, and have never done a psychology course in my life. I am giving you my perspective, what I am trying to look for in a partner. If my wife is going to have a career, and at the moment that is a racing certainty, then these are things that I want to consider. I want an equal partner and nights like last night and tonight help me understand myself and women slightly better.”

They fell asleep cuddled together again. Holding on to what they understood. It was Andrew’s last good night’s sleep for a long time.


Chapter 4

In February 1985 a female cadet was raped during an OTC training weekend. She was not believed and the matter was hushed up. The rumour started during the training weekend and was deemed to be true by the Sunday night, although nobody had any facts to substantiate the rumour. Andrew did not know the woman that suffered the rape and as mentioned, there was a lot of rumour and speculation about the incident. There was no point in sugar-coating the issue; the Army in the 1980s did not prosecute rapes. The presumption, and Andrew heard senior officers say it unapologetically, was that it had been consensual, too much booze and then regrets afterwards. Enlightened times. Andrew’s thoughts and feelings the following week were all over the place, most notably impacted by what Helena had said at the start of the term. The regular OTC training night was training as usual, it was conspicuous and obvious that the incident, or alleged incident, was not even addressed. But other than that the week went by as normal. Andrew was at least partially distracted by thoughts of his trip to Edinburgh that coming weekend. It was the only real chance to plan Julian’s stag do.

Abi had broken up with her first boyfriend, Philip, but had immediately started dating another so other than around College he did not see much of her. She still came by once a week to work at his desk using his computer but she was always gone by the time he returned from either OTC or modelling. They were friendly, and it was not even fake or forced friendly, but they were no longer having heart to heart discussions or anything else. The sense that Abi had used Andrew and had now moved on was growing with him. As a distraction he highly recommended the newly elected Vice President of Trinity College Student Union. Helena had ended up running unopposed but she was excited about the role, and about the chance to influence the College, even slightly. Her gratitude was lovingly bestowed and she was staying over in Andrew’s room pretty much every Sunday and Wednesday. Although unspoken, neither of them were looking for anyone else at the time and their arrangement suited them both very well. Their sexual compatibility was high, for Andrew only Suzanne was higher, and they had many nights of spirited fucking. Helena had such a short refractive period, wrong gender but the concept is the same, that Andrew was always a drained husk at the end of the night. What was also noticeable was that Helena had turned into quite the anal enthusiast. Sunday nights had turned into ‘plunder Helena’s booty’ nights. Andrew was pretty sure there were all sorts of reasons why she was into anal but Helena didn’t share anything. But both their orgasms were huge, mentally they were completely into it.

Andrew got back to Edinburgh at midnight on the last train up on the Friday night. When he returned to the flat for the first time in six weeks there was only a small pile of mail behind the door with the rest on the table by the door, Suzanne had been there. Just the thought of that excited him but then he wondered if she had moved out. Knocking on her door Andrew peeked into the room. A breath he didn’t know he was holding escaped, all her stuff was still here. But other than the picked up mail there was no trace of her. The kitchen was clean, there was nothing in the fridge, the bathroom was tidy. So it looked like it had been a flyby visit. Regardless, for the first time since September Suzanne had been in the flat. Andrew celebrated with a glass of water, as usual the flat was bereft of any kind of food or drink.


That was a preview of Living Two Lives - Book 15. To read the rest purchase the book.

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