AWLL 1 - Book 9 -Anala

Christmas Eve, 1983, Milford, Ohio

'If you end up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it.' 

-Frank Zappa

When I arrived at the Spencers', following the usual Christmas Eve celebration at my parents' house, I parked in front and walked inside. I was a bit surprised to find the house empty, but there was a note that said that the Spencers were having a joint Christmas dinner with the Carstons. I'd have the house to myself for several hours, so I decided to take a sauna. I walked up the stairs and stopped outside the door to my room.

There was a faint glow coming under the door. I wondered if Melanie had set up the tree in my room, though I thought it odd that she'd do that given what had happened the previous Christmas. I opened the door and saw that indeed there was a tree with lights and a couple of presents under it. But that wasn't all that I saw. My jaw dropped and my eyes went wide.

"Merry Christmas, Snuggle Bear!" Kara gushed.

"Kara? Wha...What are you doing here?" I asked, recovering just enough from the shock of seeing her to speak.

"It's Christmas Eve, silly! We always spend it together! I put the year ornament on the tree already. I hope that's OK?"

I paused for a moment to try to gather my wits, but I was having a tough time. I decided a bit of levity might help.

"OK. We're not Pam and Bobby Ewing, so I know this isn't a dream!"

"True," she giggled.

"Kara, you broke up with me last Christmas Eve," I said, regaining a semblance of control. "For the last year, you've barely spoken to me! Now you're acting as if nothing has changed!"

"Let's go make some tea and talk. There are still about four hours before midnight," she said with a bright smile.

I was stunned again. I knew EXACTLY what she was implying. When I'd said to Larry that something unexpected always came up, I sure wasn't thinking about something like THIS! To say that I was off balance was the understatement of the century!

"Uh, OK," I stammered.

We walked down to the kitchen and I put the kettle on the stove and turned on the gas burner. I got the teapot from the cupboard along with a pair of cups, then got the tea ball from the drawer and filled it with Earl Grey tea. I stayed silent while I was preparing the tea, trying to gather my thoughts and make sense of everything. One thing seemed clear -- that Anala's advice had worked. But to what end? And what did it mean?

When the tea was ready, I poured cups for both of us and we sat at the kitchen table. I didn't even know where to begin this conversation or what to say. I sipped my tea and waited. Kara didn't say anything, so I finally decided to prompt her.

"Why don't we start with what happened last year and work our way forward," I suggested.

Kara nodded, "You know what happened between me and Joyce. I was disgusted by what happened and it just kind of ate away at me. I didn't know how to deal with it, and given my upbringing, I felt it was such a grave sin that I couldn't recover from it. I blamed you, Steve. I blamed you for everything. For leading me down a path of sin; for not protecting me; for my dad's death; for Joyce; everything. I saw you as so sinful, because of all your girls and your sister. When we made love that last time, it just all hit me and I had to get away.

"I was upset, obviously, but it was more anger than anything else at that point. Then mom told me that you had planned to propose and I completely lost it. I cried all night. I realized I'd made a terrible mistake in walking out on you. You were ready to commit to me, and me alone, and I had thrown it all away. I just withdrew from the world. I refused to talk to you because I was both embarrassed and angry. I know you tried so many times, but I just couldn't bring myself to talk to you.

"Then you sent me the birthday gift. I refused to open it, but my mom basically forced me to. I saw the bear, and I cried so hard because it drove home just what I'd done. I grabbed the bear and hugged it and wouldn't let go. I wanted to hug you, but I couldn't, so I looked at the shirt the bear had with 'Steve' stitched on it and hugged him tightly. I took him with me everywhere and cuddled him when I slept. He became a substitute for the real thing. I wanted you, but I couldn't have you. So Steve Bear was my substitute.

"When you came to see me, I was torn. I was so happy that you still cared, but sad that I wasn't engaged to you. The happiness wasn't enough, though, obviously. I had no idea how to fix things and I still thought I was damned to hell because of what you and I did, and especially because of what Joyce and I did. I started seeing Doctor Mercer because you insisted I should. At first it didn't help, but eventually it started to.

"I began to think it might be possible to fix things, but you were in Chicago and you had Stephie. I was depressed about everything, but I was making progress with Doctor Mercer. She was starting to help me see that I had a future, that I could eventually be happy, that I could find someone to love me and care for me. That I could put everything that happened behind me. Then Joyce called.

"I freaked out when I heard her voice. When she said she wanted to see me, I didn't know what to do. I told her I was busy, but she insisted and said she was sorry she'd upset me and thought we should talk about it. It just seemed to me like she wanted to do that stuff again, and I was afraid that she'd just show up at the house. I hung up the phone, and I was shaking so bad I just lay on the bed and curled up with Steve Bear. The next thing I knew, I saw you in the hospital.

"You were so nice and you stayed with me. I wanted you to hold me, but I knew that couldn't happen. Having you in the room was as close as I could come. You reminded me that God could love me, even if I'd done things I thought were very wrong. And then, when you were home last time, you said something that upset me, but later, made me think. I was applying my dad's standards and Pastor Kent's standards to what I'd done. Not my own. And I remembered how much I believed that what you and I did was right, even if it wasn't what my dad wanted.

"So, in the end, it was Joyce who was the problem, and what I did with her. And only what I did with her. I told Doctor Mercer that a few weeks later. I never told her what you said to me, even though my mom insisted that I should. My mom still doesn't know about me and Joyce, and I don't want her to. Once I talked to Doctor Mercer about how I felt after you talked to me, it felt like a weight had been lifted. That's when I decided I needed to see you and talk to you.

"The only thing was, I didn't want my mom to know what I was doing. I called Melanie and asked her if she'd help me set this up. I was really happy when I found out that they weren't going to be home and that you were staying here on Christmas Eve. It took a long time to talk her into it, but finally she reluctantly agreed to set it up. She was very concerned about you. Please don't be mad at her. She was worried about what I was proposing."

I drained the last of the tea that I'd been sipping while Kara talked and refilled both our cups. I still had no clue what to do. The biggest concern was that it appeared that Kara wanted to more or less pick up where we had left off, minus the ring, though she might be angling for that as well. Things had changed drastically over the course of the past year, and I was a very different person. Kara no longer knew me, and she didn't know about Jennifer. This was a complicated mess that could easily end up just as badly as last year.

"I won't be mad at Melanie, Kara," I said gently. "I promise. I guess I'm still stunned by you being here and that you seem more or less back to your old self. I wasn't expecting it and wasn't ready for it. A lot has changed since last year. A whole lot. I almost don't know where to start."

"Are you steady with anyone? I'm guessing Stephie is living with you at this point."

I chuckled, "We broke up, and she transferred to Georgia Tech for next semester."

"Oh! Why did you laugh?"

"Because, as I said, a lot has changed. I'm not the same person you used to know; not even close. As for the situation with Stephie, she decided that she belonged with her friend Jason down in Georgia, not me, and I couldn't really argue with her. They've known each other since they were two and finally figured out that they were in love. It was all amicable, and I encouraged her to transfer to Georgia Tech.

"I told you that I bought a house, and Elyse lives there, along with some new friends -- Jackie, Katy, Cindi, and Julia. Kathy and Kurt still visit on weekends, and Pete will come by every few weeks now that he's based in Chicago. He accepted a job with the Naval Investigative Service, and he and Melanie are getting married on June 8th, after Melanie's graduation."

Kara laughed, "I'm not surprised that you were living with six girls, well before Stephie left. Are you dating anyone steady?"

"No. But it's not that simple."

"It never was with you, Steve. It was always complicated. I guess you should tell me about Bethany, Karin, and Jennifer."

"You'll need to add a few names, Kara -- Tatyana, Sofia, Anala, and Elyse. I can't really explain things without including them. But there are other girls I see from time to time as well. And I may never settle on just one girl."

"Never?! But you want to marry and have kids!"

"Yes, and I didn't say I wouldn't get married, just that I might not settle for just one girl. Elyse wants to have kids with me, but she doesn't want to get married. Jennifer wants to be my life-partner, including having kids, but not necessarily be my wife. She thinks that should be Bethany."

"Bethany would never go for that!" Kara exclaimed.

"As I said, a lot has changed in the past year. Bethany told me last night that she WOULD be OK with that kind of arrangement. I'm not sure if I'm OK with it, but I'm open to the idea. Jennifer's going to be in Chicago the day after tomorrow to spend a week with me. We're trying to put things back together between us. I have no idea where it's going to lead. And she's been dating girls, so that's a seriously open question.

"Tatyana is coming to visit after that, though she and I are pretty much in agreement that our long-term goals don't align in a way that would let us be together. Karin's coming to visit in February, like she did last year. Things with her are kind of just in a holding pattern until we both graduate, but at this point it doesn't look like that's going anywhere, either.

"I'm going to Sweden during the Summer, after Pete and Melanie's wedding. Then in August Sofia is moving to Chicago to go to school. She'll be living at the house. She's very interested in a relationship with me, and I like her a lot, but I don't know if that's going anywhere either. Finally, there's a girl who's really helped me become a better person. Her name is Anala, and our relationship is very different from the others, but she'll likely be with me until she gets married. As I said, it's complicated."

"And as I said," Kara replied, "it was never simple with you. I didn't expect it to be. Actually, I expected you to be more or less steady with Stephie and with your usual collection of other girls on the side."

"Back in July, you would have been correct. Once Stephie and I broke up, I made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to be steady with anyone before graduation. Right now, that includes not having anyone permanently sharing my bed the way Stephie did."

"I know you well enough that you have plenty of girls to keep you warm!" Kara giggled.

I chuckled, "Yes, I do. Does Doctor Mercer know that you're seeing me?"

"No. If I'd told her, she'd have told me not to do it."

"Of course she would have," I replied. "And what I see is cause for concern. Why are you here? Why the tree? The year ornament? The gifts? That seems like an attempt to reset back to last year. Does your mom know that you're here?"

"No. I couldn't tell her, either. I said I was going to visit Susie, and she's covering for me. As for what I'm doing here, I thought it was obvious. But I think I might have miscalculated. You're thinking about what happened last year, aren't you?"

"Of course I am!" I replied. "I was crushed, Kara. I didn't give up even when you wouldn't talk to me. I had my dad hang onto the ring for almost a month before he returned it for me. I wrote to you. I called you. You ignored me. You ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it!"

A tear leaked from my eye.

"I'm sorry," she said softly. "I still love you just as much as I ever did, but I guess you don't feel the same way anymore."

A tear ran down her cheek as well.

"That's the problem," I sighed. "I DO feel the same way. But after a year, I've moved on. I had to. My friends helped me deal with everything and helped me to learn from it and to grow. But it still hurts, Kara. It hurts a lot. I was ready to marry you and you simply walked away from me and wouldn't talk to me! I wanted to hate you, but I couldn't."

"You still love me?" she asked.

"Of course I do. But I'm not sure that matters at this point."

"It does matter!" Kara said fiercely. "I love you. You love me. That's a start."

"A start of what?"

"Just what I said. A start. A new beginning."

"I don't know if I can even think about that, let alone do it," I said.

"Didn't you just say that you loved me?" she asked.

"I did," I sighed. "But it's far more complicated than that. I can't just forget the last year. I'm also worried about you. The fact that you didn't tell your mom or Doctor Mercer what you planned. Not to mention implication before that you wanted to keep our Christmas traditions -- all of them."

"You won't even try?" she said, tears streaming down her face.

"I need time to think," I replied. "You need to talk to Doctor Mercer and your mom. I'm not sure that you're ready for any kind of relationship at this point. And I don't even know that I can provide you with what you need, even as a friend."

Kara was crying freely now, her body wracked by sobs. I was afraid that she was going to revert to her semi-catatonic state. That was the last thing I wanted to happen, but I didn't know what I could do to prevent it. She needed comforting, but I had to be careful, given how vulnerable she appeared to be.

I stood up and took Kara's hand, and gently pulled her up from her chair. I took her in my arms and hugged her tightly to me. Holding her in my arms stirred up all kinds of emotions that I thought I had under control. Kara put her head on my chest and sighed deeply. After a few minutes, she stopped sobbing.

"Will you at least open your gifts?" she asked.

"But I didn't get you anything," I protested.

"You've given me more in the last three years than I could ever have possibly deserved. Right now, you holding me in your arms is more than I should even really have expected. You telling me that you still love me is worth more than anything you could buy for me."

"OK, then. Let's go upstairs."

"And celebrate Christmas our way?" she giggled.

"Kara," I said softly, "if you couldn't tell your mom or Doctor Mercer what you were doing, do you think it's a good idea?"

"Says the man who didn't tell Doctor Mercer about his little sister. And Bethany once told me that she went against Doctor Mercer's advice to be with you."

"OK! OK! One step at a time. Let's go open my presents."

"Maybe I should have put a bow and ribbon around me!" she giggled.

I laughed, and we went up the stairs to my room. I was going to have to have a serious talk with Melanie, as I'd thought before, because she had no business arranging something like this behind my back. But what was done, was done, and I had to deal with it. We sat on the floor and she handed me the first of the two presents. I quickly unwrapped it and opened the box.

"Kara, this is too much," I said, taking an expensive wristwatch from the box.

"Compared to this?" she said, fingering the diamond pendant I'd bought for her.

I removed my moderately priced watch and replaced it with the much more expensive one. It was totally appropriate if I was going to be in business for myself, as I'd noticed that expensive wristwatches seemed to be quite common among businessmen. While I tended to reject most social conventions, there was indeed some truth to the adage that clothes, or in this case, the watch, made the man. I knew Don Joseph agreed, and that was enough for me to accept it, despite anything else I might think.

She handed me the second present, which I unwrapped. I opened the box and found two sheets of paper, covered with Kara's neat handwriting.

"A letter I wrote to you. In case you sent me away tonight," she said.

"Do you want me to read it now?" I asked.

"Yes," she said.

I moved to lean against the bed and unfolded the two sheets of paper and started to read. Each sentence evoked strong emotions, recounting how we'd met and how she'd felt at each step of our budding romance, how she'd been nervously anticipating our first night together, and how she'd felt as we made love. Every single carefully chosen word conveyed the deepest love. She carefully recounted each of the firsts, of the things we had done together and how she felt. It was clear, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she no longer felt that what we had done was sinful.

The second part of the letter described how she'd felt when we had made love together with Joyce, of her fears and desires. Of how she felt safe with me and how she'd needed me to help her set limits. Her words now conveyed anguish, of how what she'd done disgusted her. Of how that disgust slowly ate away at her and caused her to reject even the truest of love that we had, leading to her meltdown on Christmas Eve.

She wrote of how her emotions ran rampant and how she'd sunk into deep depression and despair when she'd found out that I'd intended to propose. Of how lost she'd felt, having thrown away everything that she'd hoped for, and then made it worse by shunning me for months. Of how the simple gift of the stuffed bear had broken through, but simultaneously driven home, just how lost she was without me.

Of how she'd been afraid of talking to Doctor Mercer, but eventually felt comfortable, but still was held back by what she'd been taught for her entire life. Of how my simple words to her when she was in the hospital after her breakdown caused by Joyce's call had helped. She wrote about her dad, and how she had loved him, but how he had held her back. Of Pastor Kent and how his teaching had driven a wedge between us. And then my forceful words that had told her to get past it.

The last paragraph expressed her hopes and dreams of what she wanted from life. Of her continued love for me and her sorrow that she'd made such a grave error. She ended her letter with an appeal that I give her a chance to regain my trust, to rebuild our relationship, and to forgive her for all that she'd done. She'd signed it, and I saw stains from tears. A postscript thanked me for reading it and asked me to call her.

"I don't know what to say," I said, folding the letter and putting it back in the box.

"Say that you'll please let me be a part of your life. I can't ask for more than that. Not for now, at least."

"That I can say," I replied, lovingly. "I want you to be part of my life. I can't say what that even means, but I'm not going to shun you."

"Thank you," she said softly. "You don't know what that means at this point."

"I think I do, Honey; I think I do," I said.

"And I know who and what you are, Steve. I've known from the beginning, when I first wanted to go to bed with you. I wanted that from the moment you sat down next to me in chemistry class; I just didn't understand what the feeling was until much later. I wanted you to take me to bed, to ravish me, with no commitment and no promise of the future. But you fell in love with me and asked me to make love instead. Now, things have changed, and that is all I want from you tonight. To ravish me with no commitment and no promises."

"Kara..." I protested.

"Shh. Come, take me. The way you planned to originally, years ago."

"But..."

She pressed her finger to my lips.

"Stop protesting, Steve. I want this. I haven't even kissed anyone in a full year -- not since we were last together. I want you and I need you. Now, take me. Please."

I was so off balance that I didn't trust my own judgment. What I was sure of was that Kara hadn't simply decided to do this on a whim. She'd planned, she'd written the letter, and she'd even co-opted Melanie. I had been worried about her state of mind, but the letter changed that. That letter had changed everything.

"OK," I said softly.

Kara smiled and stood up and I watched raptly as she slowly undressed. When she stood naked before me, I stood and removed my clothes, then pulled her to me, relishing the warm softness of her skin against me. We slowly moved our lips together, and I felt an electric shock as our tongues touched. We kissed deeply and lovingly for the first time in a year. Kara moaned softly into my mouth and pulled me tight.

I broke the kiss and lowered her to the floor in front of the Christmas tree. I lowered myself on top of Kara and she eagerly spread her legs so that I might lie between them. My rock hard dick came in direct contact with her labia, already wet with anticipation.

"Take me, Steve!" she whispered.

I kissed her softly and pushed forward, entering her silky tight tunnel. The memories of our lovemaking in the past flashed through my mind as I slid deeply into her. When our pubic hair meshed, Kara broke the kiss and sighed deeply.

"You can't begin to imagine how much I've missed this, and how it feels to have you inside me. To feel full of you, to know that I'm going to have countless orgasms and soon feel your warmth filling me. Do it, Steve!" she growled. "Make me cum!"

I began moving slowly, gently thrusting in and out, taking time to grind against her each time I sank fully into her depths. I looked Kara deeply in her eyes and saw gratitude and desire -- but mostly desire. She whispered encouragement, urging me on, softly demanding that I pleasure her. I obliged and a minute later, she cried out in ecstasy.

"Unngggh!" she groaned. "Yes, oh yes! I've missed this!"

We continued slowly and gently, with Kara crying out three more times, before I felt the uncontrollable urge that I knew I would not be able to fight off. We increased the pace of our lovemaking until I could no longer hold back and pushed deeply into her. I groaned as the first spurt of cum splashed into her spasming pussy.

"Oh!" she groaned. "So hot!"

We kissed fiercely as my cum blasted deep inside her, her pussy milking each spurt from me with forceful spasms. Kara broke the kiss and gasped for breath. Kara hugged me tight to her and whispered, "Thank you."

We lay together for about ten minutes, by which time my dick had deflated and slipped from Kara's tunnel. I took her hand and led her to the shower in the master bathroom, where we lovingly washed each other and then dried each other. We walked back to my room and stood facing each other.

"Will you let me stay the night?" she asked.

"I'm so addled at the moment," I replied, "that I don't even know what to say or do. At this point, it's up to you. So long as you understand."

"I do," she said. "If we're going to be together again, it's going to take a long time, and I have to accept you for who you are. I want you to continue with your plans as you've made them. I'm going to need more time before I can be in any kind of relationship, with you, or with anyone else, for that matter."

"Is there someone else, Kara?" I asked.

"No, but I'm being realistic. I blew it, badly. Now I have to deal with the consequences. I don't think there's much chance of restoring our relationship to what it was, or if there is, it won't be anytime soon. Let me sleep with you, Steve. It might be the last time for a long time, or even forever."

I turned down the comforter on the bed, then shut and locked the door to my room. Kara and I got into bed, and she snuggled close. I put my arm around her and held her tightly to me.

"I'm sorry for everything I put you through," she said, her head resting on my chest.

"And I'm sorry that I failed you, Kara. I have as much responsibility as anyone for what happened, Joyce included."

"What happened between you two?" Kara asked.

"A fight, then we made up, then we fought worse, then we made up. We'd just barely become friends again, with Bethany's help, when Joyce chose to flush it all down the drain."

"What happened? Was that because of me?"

"The first two fights were. Bethany probably prevented me from killing Joyce when you were in the hospital, but in the end, we got past that. But then she made some wild accusations and stuck her nose where it didn't belong. I refused to let her do that, and we had a huge, huge fight. I doubt that I'll see her any time soon, and I certainly don't want to."

"That makes two of us, Steve. I don't know what her motivation was, but she knew your wishes and she knew my wishes, and she went against both of us. There's something disturbingly wrong with her."

She had a point that I couldn't dispute. Something had happened to Joyce, and I didn't know what it was, and I didn't know if I'd ever find out. At this point, I wasn't even sure I wanted to.

"She's out of my life, at least for now," I said firmly.

"And me? Am I out of your life or in?" she asked softly.

"I told you I wanted you back in my life. I just can't tell you what that's going to be like. All I can do is be honest with you. You have to decide what to do. That's something Anala has pressed me on -- being honest and letting everyone know where they stand."

"You were always honest with me, Steve. The only time you even slightly misled me was over your sister, and I can understand that. Are you sleeping with her again?"

I sighed, "Yes."

"I figured as much. You only stopped because I wanted you to. Once I abandoned you, you had no reason to not do it. It's always been a part of who you are and probably always will be."

"And you assumed that was the case before you asked me to make love to you?"

She giggled, "Your words, Steve. Not mine. I asked you to take me to bed and ravish me. If we made love, it's because you wanted to. Just like the first time."

"Shit," I breathed.

She raised her head up and looked me in the eyes.

"It's fine. I know how you feel about me. I know what I did to you. I have a lot of work to do before I could even think about being your wife, or even your lover. I mean, other than this night. Whatever happens now is for now. I promise that I'm not reading anything into this beyond what I already asked for."

"What do you need, Kara?" I asked.

"Just hold me. You feel much better than that silly bear!" she giggled.

We fell asleep cuddled together for the first time in over a year. It felt good, and it felt right. I just hoped that I hadn't hurt Kara even more than I had before we broke up.

In the morning, we dressed and left the house early. Only Trudy was awake, and she said nothing, though I saw a raised eyebrow. I drove Kara home in the frigid air. I walked her to her front door and kissed her softly.

"Call me, Steve. But it's OK to wait for a few weeks, so you have time to figure things out. Even if you don't, then call me and let me know that you haven't. We'll see each other again when we're both ready."

"I will, Kara. And thanks. Thanks for loving me and caring enough to try to fix things."

"You're welcome. And thanks for loving me enough to want to help me, even when I hurt you so badly."

We kissed again, and she used her key to let herself into her house. I wondered what she'd say to her mom, but that was her issue, not mine. I had a bigger potential problem to deal with. In fact, several of them. I got back in my car and headed to my parents' house.

Stephanie was waiting for me, as usual, but instead of going down the hall alone to change, I grabbed her arm and took her down the hall with me to my room.

"Can't wait for this afternoon?" she giggled, stepping close.

"Stephanie, I have to tell you something."

"What?" she said, suddenly looking very worried.

"Kara spent the night with me last night."