AWLL 1 - Book 2 - Jennifer

‘If you end up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it.’ -Frank Zappa

I slowly floated through complete darkness, unable to find light. A phrase careened around inside my head, causing pain everywhere it touched. I was adrift, unstable, and afraid. Nothing was real. Perhaps it was all just a bad dream, a nightmare. Had I died? Was this Hell?

The darkness lifted slightly. I felt a presence next to me.

“Melanie?” I croaked.

“Shh!” I heard in return.

“Birgit’s dead?!” I wailed.

“Shh,” I heard again as I felt arms envelop me.

I drifted back into nothingness.

I suddenly came awake. I opened my eyes. In the dim light, I could see Melanie sitting on the edge of the bed. I saw Larry sitting in the desk chair. But there was a female form next to me.

“We were really worried about you Steve,” Larry said.

“How long was I out?”

“I guess about fifteen minutes. You seemed to, I don’t know, short circuit, when Melanie told you.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s the best way to describe it,” I sighed, trying to take stock. “It’s true, Melanie? This isn’t some sick game?”

“It’s true. I talked to her mom a couple of hours ago. I knew how you would take it so I called Larry to pick you up from work. He called your mom and told her he was picking you up, but not why. Then he brought you here.”

“But you and I aren’t speaking,” I protested, weakly.

“I know. But this was more important than my little snit.”

“And more important than me not being ready to talk to you.”

That was Jennifer, who was cuddled next to me in the bed.

“Melanie called me and told me,” she said. “I knew you would need me, even if I wasn’t ready. I tried to get here before she told you, but I didn’t make it in time. When I got here you had just fainted and they were putting you on the bed. I just laid down next to you to wait.”

There was silence for a time. I lay there quietly. I wasn’t crying. I was sure that would come later. I was still in shock.

“What happened? I just talked to her this morning. She was going sailing with Jonas.”

“The boat capsized in a sudden storm. They both drowned,” Melanie said, crying softly.

“Oh my God,” I gasped.

“I’m going to go talk to your mom, Steve,” Larry said. “How much should I tell her? Mrs. Spencer will call her later. You’re to stay here tonight.”

“Tell my mom and dad everything. It’s the only way they’ll understand. Make sure Stephanie knows, too.”

“You got it. I’ll be back.”

He left. I just lay there with Jennifer by my side. She was holding my hand, but that was the only contact. Melanie pulled the desk chair up to the side of the bed and sat down. She took my other hand.

Sometime later, I’m not sure how long; there was a soft knock at the door. It was Mrs. Spencer. She brought in a tray with a teapot, a couple of Cokes, and some cookies. I slowly sat up and Melanie handed me a Coke. She and Jennifer both had tea. Mrs. Spencer looked pretty upset as well. I wasn’t surprised; they had treated Birgit like a daughter.

“Melanie, how are you doing?” I asked after her mom left.

“Not good. Probably about like you, I guess. Well, no, probably better than you. Do you think you can get up?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Mom said we can hang out in the basement as long as we want. Larry will be back. You can use the guest room. Larry will stay as long as you need him, but eventually, he’ll head home to bed. Jennifer can stay with me. OK?”

“Sure. Let’s go.”

We walked to the basement. As we passed the family room I saw Mr. and Mrs. Spencer sitting on the couch cuddling and crying. I knew how they felt. Well, I suppose it’s different for parents, but I felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my body.

We got to the basement and found a bunch of pillows and blankets on the couches. I grabbed some and just lay down on the couch and covered up. I didn’t really want to touch anyone at the moment. I needed to be alone, but didn’t want my friends to leave. It was a strange feeling.

Larry came back from having gone to my house, and sat on the couch with Melanie. Jennifer was sitting on the floor next to my couch, with her arm resting on the couch and her head resting on her arm, just looking at me. No way was I going to chase her away. I just hoped my friend was back.

We all just sat in silence for a while.

“When’s the funeral?” I asked.

“Most likely, Wednesday; in Stockholm, of course.”

“And we can’t go,” I said, as tears began streaming down my face.

“No, we can’t go,” Melanie said, sobbing.

“Here I am with my three best friends. Two of them weren’t talking to me this morning. Why did it take this to get us together?”

Nobody said anything. The only sounds were soft sobbing from my two friends and me. Larry was stoic, but Larry was always stoic. I could tell he was torn up as well, but it wasn’t his nature to show it outwardly.

“Steve, your mom was pretty upset when I told her. She was going to come to get you but Mrs. Spencer talked her out of it. I guess she didn’t know how close you and Birgit were.”

“She didn’t.”

“I didn’t even get a chance to explain before your mom started getting her purse. Your little sister stopped her. She said ‘Mom, Steve loved her. He needs to be with his friends who knew her’. Your mom asked ‘How can he love her? They never went out. They were never boyfriend and girlfriend’. Stephanie really stood up for you saying ‘Mom. He did. They were committed to being together forever’. When your mom asked how that was even possible, Stephanie told her ‘Mom, they made love’. Your mom lost it at that point, sorry to say. That’s when I borrowed the phone and called Mrs. Spencer. She calmed her down. But I hate to say it, you’re gonna get grief from your mom.”

“Jennifer, Melanie, would you come home with me in the morning and support me. I don’t know if I can handle her alone.”

They both agreed.

Mrs. Spencer offered us food around 6:00pm, but nobody was really hungry. I took a few bites of a sandwich and ate a few chips. The others did the same. We started talking about memories and things we did with her. Through rivers of tears, I spoke about our plans and goals.

“Steve, do you think you’ll still want to go to Sweden?” Larry asked.

“Yeah. It will be tough, but I have to see her, well, you know what I mean. To say goodbye.”

Larry left around midnight, assured that I was as OK as I could be. He promised to call on Sunday to check on me. At that point, we moved upstairs. I went into the guest room. Both Jennifer and Melanie offered to stay with me but I told them I just wanted to be alone. I knew those weren’t offers of sex, but just of friendship. But at this point, I didn’t even want that. I needed to be alone with my thoughts.

I lay in bed thinking back over the past two years. I had tried to do my best, to figure out what was right, to follow my heart. And everything had gone straight to hell. I’d ruined my friendship with Jennifer when I’d gone to Becky. My relationship with Melanie was wrecked when I did the right thing. My relationship with Becky was destroyed because I couldn’t commit the way she wanted. And Birgit, my true love, was dead before I could even act on what I thought was right. And now here I was, in her former room! Tears welled up again.

Jennie had warned me about sex. How it changes people. How people have different reactions to it. Sex was really the root cause of the problems. Making love one time with Birgit ended with my heart ripped out of my body. Making love with Jennifer changed and eventually wrecked our relationship. Refusing to have sex with Melanie wrecked not just my relationship with her, but my friendship with Pete as well. Collateral damage, I guess.

Making love with Becky had done exactly what Jennifer knew it would. It also created a situation that was likely to eventually blow up in my face, and it had. If I had refused to give in to her demands, we might still be together. But I wondered if it were even possible for me to have resisted much longer, even without Jennifer’s prodding.

There was Bethany. Her single experience was violence. I had a hard time getting my head wrapped around that one. In this case, a sex act had damaged her to the point where she needed therapy, maybe for the rest of her life. For her, even the idea of holding hands was a frightening prospect.

Sex with Kellie had been empty and meaningless. Even though it had been fun, I didn’t like the way it had turned out. Not because I wanted to have sex with her again, but because of the way she treated it like a business proposition. Even though the situation with Mary was purely about the physical pleasure, it had a very different character. It didn’t feel empty.

What was I going to do? I knew that I needed to call Becky despite our agreement. Sadly, I feared that she would take this as an opportunity to get what she wanted. I had no commitment to Birgit to hold me back; I had nobody else I was having sex with. If I did start to see Becky again, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to, it would have to be a complete reset.

Then there was Jennifer. She had come to be with me today, even though she was still trying to work things out in her mind. She didn’t know that Becky and I were taking time apart. She didn’t know much of anything about the past couple of months, actually. I hoped she was ready to talk. I needed it.

As for Melanie, well, there were deep problems there that were beyond my ability to fix. I was resolved to keep things cool between us until she talked to Pete. One way or the other, she had to deal with that before I could do anything with her. I decided I was going to call Pete occasionally to keep in touch. I hoped he would still be a friend. I wasn’t sure where he was going to college, but he had talked a lot about Ohio State.

A strange thought entered my mind. I had a chance for basically a new start. I was seeing Anna, Joyce, and Bethany. None of them had progressed beyond the kissing stage, with that one minor exception with Anna that I regretted. I had the entire Summer to date and see what happened.

That thought was crushed by memories of Birgit flooding back in. I cried myself to sleep.

At some point, I heard a noise and saw the door close. Moonlight shining through the window revealed a ghostly figure coming to the side of the bed.

“Steve, can I get in bed with you?”

It was Melanie. Really? Sex now? There was just no way.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Melanie. Go back to your own bed.”

“Oh, no! I’m not trying to have sex with you. I’m not. Honest. But I need you to hold me. Nothing more. I promise. Really. I just can’t sleep alone. Jennifer knows I’m here. Please don’t send me away! I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry!”

She was sobbing now.

I knew what I had to do. My heart was crystal clear. I pulled back the comforter and let her climb in. She snuggled close to me with her arm across my body and her head on my chest.

“Thank you,” she said.

We were asleep almost instantly. I didn’t wake up before first light as I usually did. When I heard a knock at the door, the Sun was out and it was clearly well past dawn.

“Come in.”

Mrs. Spencer came in and shut the door behind her. I nudged Melanie awake.

“Melanie, Steve, are you sure this was a good idea? I don’t think it was.”

“Hang on Mrs. Spencer. It’s not what you think.”

I pushed the comforter down to show that both of us were dressed. I was still in the clothes I had come in, and Melanie was in sweat pants and a long t-shirt.

“Oh! I’m sorry. I just assumed because of what you guys did in the past that you were trying to use sex to forget the pain.”

“Mom, I would have. But Steve won’t do that. I have to solve my problems before he’ll do anything with me. And even then he might not.”

A bright spot in the gloom. Melanie acknowledged her situation.

“I was hoping you would listen to him. He’s listened to you so much. And he’s learned so much. Kids, I’m sorry I assumed the worst. Breakfast when you want it.”

She left. Almost immediately there was another knock at the door.

“Come in,” I said again.

Jennifer came in and shut the door behind her. “How are you two doing?”

“I feel like someone stuck a knife in my chest, reached in, and ripped out my heart,” I said.

“I feel like someone kicked me hard in the stomach,” Melanie said.

“I’m going to go home, if that’s OK,” Jennifer said. “I’ll be back in about an hour so we can go to your house with you.”

“Sure Jennifer, can we talk soon?”

“Yes,” she said with a smile. “It’s time. Call me, OK?”

“I will. Thanks.”

She left.

“Melanie, are you going to try to fix things with Pete?”

“Yes. I’ll call him.”

“Good.”

“Thanks for letting me sleep here with you. I really liked it.”

“Me too,” I agreed. “It helped. Let’s get some breakfast. I’m actually hungry.”

We made our way downstairs. Mrs. Spencer quickly made us some pancakes. There was some bacon in the oven staying warm that she added to the plates. We ate in silence.

When we finished, I said I needed a shower. We walked upstairs and Melanie and I each took a shower. We were naked in front of each other, but there was nothing sexual at all about it. I put my clothes back on and she put on fresh ones.

When we went downstairs, Mrs. Spencer asked how we were doing. We repeated what we had told Jennifer. Mrs. Spencer told us that they were devastated. There really wasn’t much to say.

Jennifer arrived and I steeled myself for going home. I knew my mom was going to be in a bad mood, but I was in no mood for her morality lectures. I wasn’t going to let her go unanswered. That’s why I needed Jennifer and Melanie, and especially Stephanie. That was really going to set mom off but I just didn’t care.

In fact, I realized at the moment, I didn’t give a damn about anything except Birgit, Melanie, Jennifer, Stephanie, and Larry. The hell with everything and everyone else. Birgit’s death had done one positive thing so far. It brought all the friends back together. Nothing was going to break that apart. I knew I’d need them. I knew that’s what Birgit would have wanted.

Melanie drove us to my house. We got out of the car and walked in together. Mom, Stephanie, and Jeff were at church. No surprise because Mom never missed. We found my dad in his office.

“Are you OK, Son?” my dad asked.

“Yeah Dad, I think so. My friends took good care of me. Larry was there, as you know, plus Melanie and Jennifer. And Mrs. Spencer fed us last night and this morning. I slept some, too. And had a shower. I guess I feel as OK as I can.”

“Your mom is pretty upset. I think she’s more upset that your little sister is aware of your, well, activity, than that you are doing it. But she’s upset about that, too. I got an earful from her last night about it. She’s going to really lay into you.”

“Dad, I’m not going to take it. I’m not going to let her make a beautiful experience with Birgit into something evil and sordid. I told the priest that. Well, it wasn’t just about Birgit in that case. I just don’t agree with Mom on this. And I’m going to tell her.”

“Steve, you’re in dangerous territory there. I can only do so much.”

“Dad, so long as you don’t give her active support, I’ll be fine. I understand you need to back her up on some things, but please don’t agree with her moralizing. I know your opinion.”

“True. I’ll do what I can, but I have to think about my relationship with your mother, too.”

“I know, Dad. We’ll go wait for her to come home.”

We went to sit on the couch, Melanie on my left, Jennifer on my right. I had my arms around both of them, but again, it was purely platonic. They had their heads on my shoulders and we sat quietly. I felt as if I was awaiting judgment. And I knew it would come.

My mom and siblings arrived home. She gave me a disapproving look and went to change. Stephanie came over and hugged me then ran down the hall to her room. Jeff just ignored us. I was glad. I might have hit him at that point.

Stephanie came back before Mom did and sat in front of the couch at my feet. It was like the three girls were shielding me, protecting me. It felt good. I moved my arm, patted Stephanie on the shoulder, and said, “Thanks,” before putting my arm back around Jennifer.

My mom came into the room. “You girls need to leave. I need to talk to Stephen.”

She called me ‘Stephen’. That told me everything I needed to know. I pulled Jennifer and Melanie tighter and said “No.”

“Don’t tell me ‘no’ young man. They need to leave. Now.”

“No. If you want to talk to me, they have to be here.”

“Stephanie, go to your room.”

“No Mom, she stays as well. You want to lecture me, you want to yell at me, then they get to hear it, too. These are my friends and my sister. They helped me last night and they’ll help me in the future. I need them.”

Stephanie hadn’t moved, but I could tell she was concerned.

She looked up at me and I said, “Stay put, Squirt. You know everything that’s going to be said.”

“What do you mean she knows everything?”

“Mom, according to Larry, she’s the one that told you that Birgit and I made love.”

“What can you know about making love? You just turned fifteen.”

I could feel myself losing my temper and losing control. It had been a long time since that happened. I didn’t think I could stop it at this point with all the emotions surging through me. And I realized that I didn’t want to stop it.

“I can know a lot about it. I know the difference between having sex and making love.”

“Just how many times have you had sex?”

“A lot. I can’t count.”

“So you were lying about Becky!”

“No, I wasn’t. Well, not at that point. We really hadn’t done anything.”

“But since then? How stupid can you be? Her father will never let you see her again.”

I smirked.

“Wipe that smirk off your face, young man,” Mom said angrily.

“Mom, her mom got her birth control pills. We make love in her bed. Her parents know.”

“What are you talking about?! You know better than that! You know what the church teaches! And you do this in her house with her parents' knowledge? What kind of parents does Becky have? I don’t think you should see her anymore.”

“We broke up, but do you think that will stop it? Really? Do you really think you can stop me from having sex?”

“Yes! You will stop. This is wrong. And you’ve had sex with her and you broke up with her? What kind of person are you?”

“Someone who knows how to love and be loved. And no, I won’t stop. I’ve had sex with both Melanie and Jennifer.”

I felt them cringe a little, and I squeezed them tighter to me.

“What?!” my mom gasped. “And how can you say this in front of Stephanie.”

“She knows.”

“Why would you tell her?! What is wrong with you?!”

“Nothing is wrong with me. Stephanie figured out that I had been with Birgit without any input from anyone else.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“It’s true,” Stephanie said.

My mom glared at me, then at the girls.

“This is not over. You are grounded indefinitely. Except for work you are not leaving this house under any circumstances.”

Something dark in me prodded me. It was no longer just emotion. It was anger. It was spite. I didn’t care what happened.

“One question, Mom. Just one.”

“What?”

“You were twenty-five when you met Dad. Were you a virgin?”

She turned red. I knew I had her. Of course, I’d known the answer in advance.

“That’s none of your business, young man!”

I simply thrust the sword in deep.

“If you were, you would have said so. So you weren’t. You’re a hypocrite, Mom.”

Anger and spite had triumphed. And I was happy.

I got up, and the girls stood up with me.

I walked them to the door and kissed each one on the cheek and said “I’ll be fine now. Thanks.”

“You’re sure?” Jennifer asked.

“Yes. I’ll call you this afternoon.”

“You will not!” my mom growled.

“Jennifer, I’ll call you this afternoon,” I repeated, louder this time, with firmness.

They left.

Stephanie looked at me, looked at Mom, and then said “The love of his life died yesterday and this is how you treat him? I can’t believe how you’re acting!” and then went to her room.

I loved my sister. I knew she’d pay for that and there wasn’t much I could do about it now.

I went down the hall to my room, shut the door, closed the drapes, and collapsed on my bed. I was exhausted emotionally and physically. My heart was broken. I lay there for perhaps an hour. I knew what I had to do. I dreaded it.

I picked up the phone and dialed a number. I heard the ring and waited. A voice I didn’t recognize answered.

“Good evening, this is Steve Adams calling from the US. May I speak to Mr. or Mrs. Andersson, please.”

I heard some rapid-fire Swedish that included my name. And then “One moment.”

Mr. Andersson came to the phone. “Hello, Steve. How are you?”

“Not very good, Sir, as you could imagine.”

“Yes. My wife told me she had called Melanie and asked her to talk to you. She felt it was better than trying to say it to you over the telephone.”

“She was right. I just had to call and tell you how sorry I am that this happened and that if it were possible, I would come for the funeral.”

“We understand, Steve. She would, too. She loved you, it was obvious.”

“I loved her, too.”

“There is a letter here she wrote to you. I will post it to you later this week. I think her mother will write you a letter as well, and I will wait for that.”

I didn’t know if I could handle that. But I said, “Thank you, Sir.”

“Steve, I need to go now. But you may call here any time. And if you do come to Sweden, please come to see us.”

“Thank you, Mr. Andersson. «Hej då»”

“She taught you some Swedish? Wonderful! «Hej då».”

I collapsed back on the bed, tears streaming down my face. My Birgit was dead.

* * *