Now this is the story of One-Eyed Dick and the Valley of Hades. Say what? You never heard of One-Eyed Dick? Why, he was a living legend of the Old West, just like Pecos Bill and John Henry. Of course, he weren’t no wild man like Bill nor bull strong like John. He was just a man with one outstanding feature, if ya know what I mean. And boy howdy, was it outstanding. Even more, he knew how to use it, and the ladies loved him for it. Which is why you probably never heard of him. His stories aren’t the kind ya tell to children, ya know?

So this story starts when Dick was working on the Hanging Bar Ranch just outside of La Junta. It had been about two years since the fight with Chief Limp Spear that cost him his eye, and two months after the scandal in Denver involving the Mayor’s daughter and her three high society friends. Dick figured he needed to lay low for a bit and no one’d be lookin’ for a ladies’ man on a ranch run by a couple of queers.

Turns out Dick was right, but he hadn’t figured on what that would mean for his own practice of the skills of love. True, he could do some of the Tantrah practices alone, but the Eastern Love Arts he’d learned from Madame Sing Sing needed a partner, and his tastes did not run on the same side of the trail as his hosts’.

So he was mighty glad to see a visitor riding up that day with long hair waving behind her. His, ahem, feature stiffened at the thought of gettin’ some of that use for which God intended it, but then shriveled right back up when Dick realized who the visitor was: Lesbo Linda.

Wait, you never heard of Lesbo Linda either? Where you been living? Well, to be fair, she wasn’t that big a legend, seein’ as how she never left Colorado much. Still, you heard of Calamity Jane, right? Well, Lesbo Linda made Calamity Jane look like a choir girl. Linda could outshoot, outride, out-drink, and out-cuss just about any man alive, except maybe Doc Holliday. She was also rumored to be able to out-fuck anyone but Dick, takin’ into account that they both only fucked women, but them stories was based on her younger years before she shacked up with the Love of her Life, Penny Boregard. She also hated seeing hard dicks, and was known to forcibly rearrange a gentleman’s privates should he wave them in her general direction. In truth, Lesbo Linda was man enough to make the men cowboys wet their underpants and woman enough to make the ladies cream theirs.

But Linda was alone, with Penny nowhere in sight, and she was riding fast, so Dick got concerned. She pulled up right in front of the porch where Dick had been sitting, cleaning his boots.

“Dick?” she said, pushing her hat back so she could get a better look, “is that you? What’re you doing here?”

He grinned. “What does it look like I’m doing?” He held up the boots. “Keeping myself clean.”

She nodded. “I heard about Denver.”

He shrugged as she got off her horse and tied it to the post.

“I was looking for Vic, but you might be some help. He here?”

“Vic’s in the barn doing the feeding. Frilly Earl’s fixing dinner,” he said with a nod toward the house. “You gonna stay a bit? Eat with us?”

“Earl’s cooking? I’d be a fool not to. Besides, it’d be easiest to tell you all the goddamn story all at fucking once.”

Dick nodded, Linda went to see Vic, and the matter was set aside until dinnertime.

So over a meal of Beef Wellington, mixed greens with a lemon aioli, roasted potatoes two ways, and the best chocolate cake Dick had ever seen Earl bake, Linda told her story. The long and the short of it was they’d gone to Gunnison to get some fancy paints that Penny’d wanted for some landscape portraits she was making, and on the way back, Penny got bit by a water snake. They’d been too far from town and Linda realized she’d had but one choice.

“You took her to Hank,” Vic said.

“Yep,” Linda said. “We was about a fucking hour from the Black Valley and a damned day from town. No choice.”

“And Hank doesn’t want to let her go,” Vic continued.

“Hell, no.” Linda said.

“Hank?” Dick asked, never quite having made it to that part of the Rockies.

“Hades,” Vic said. “God of the Underworld. When he came here from Greece, he changed his name.”

“Says he likes the hot springs.” Linda added.

Vic snorted. “More like the trusting souls. The Greeks had him figured out.”

Linda shot him an evil look. “Don’t fucking remind me.”

Vic shrugged and sat back.

“So, you got Earl out,” Linda said. “How do I get Penny out?”

Vic looked over at the love of his life. Earl, wearing his frilly pink apron with the lace on the sleeves, just blushed and looked down.

“Truth is,” Vic said, “I didn’t. Earl did it himself.”

“Awww,” Frilly Earl said, “you say the sweetest things. That snooty Frenchie just did not understand altitude.” He sniffed. “You think he’d never cooked here before.”

“What?” Dick asked.

“Hank won’t give up a soul for nothing,” Vic explained, “but he does like contests. So you challenge him to one. If you beat his champion, your friend goes free. If you lose, you stay too.”