HPL Book 3: Shutter Release
Ryan Sylander
Shutter Release
Hook, Pick, and Lens – Book Three
Ryan Sylander
This story is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to real people or real events is purely coincidental.
This story contains explicit descriptions of sexual activities between adults. If this type of material offends you, or is illegal where you live, please do not continue to read. The material would be considered NC-17 in the United States.
This story may not be reproduced in any form without the written permission of the author.
Copyright © 2006–2019 by Ryan Sylander.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
Contact information:
ryansylander at yahoo dot com
https://www.patreon.com/ryansylander
https://discord.gg/ZuByzjW
Table of Contents
Prologue: Four Days
Chapter 1 – Switch of Gray
Chapter 2 – Circle Bright
Chapter 3 – She Flew Away
Chapter 4 – Don’t Touch
Chapter 5 – Raven’s on my Shoulder
Part I: Shell Game
Chapter 6 – Fire for the Cold Ones
Chapter 7 – Porcelain Shell
Chapter 8 – Tint, Shade and Hue
Chapter 9 – New Dream
Chapter 10 – Alizarin and Cobalt
Chapter 11 – Go Figure
Chapter 12 – Take a Look at Me
Chapter 13 – Everything You Want
Chapter 14 – Nothing’s What it Seems
Part II: Time Between
Chapter 15 – Victory Mask
Chapter 16 – Once
Chapter 17 – See the Light
Chapter 18 – Mountain Stream
Chapter 19 – Burning Fires
Chapter 20 – Sleep in the Dark
Chapter 21 – Mother Time
Chapter 22 – The Bed That We Made
Chapter 23 – Soon I’ll Be Gone
Chapter 24 – The Regrets of a Fool
Chapter 25 – The Dreams of a Girl
Part III: Horizon Lines
Chapter 26 – Hard to See
Chapter 27 – Red Lines
Chapter 28 – Burning Heart
Chapter 29 – Last Place for a Landing
Chapter 30 – Jump
Chapter 31 – Steer it True
Chapter 32 – Coming into View
Chapter 33 – Flames and Scars
Chapter 34 – The Pedals of My Mind
Chapter 35 – Split in Two
Chapter 36 – Shooting Star
Chapter 37 – The Levers of My Heart
Part IV: Other Side
Chapter 38 – The Point of Dying
Chapter 39 – Gone to Ground
Chapter 40 – The Last Day of a Quiet War
Chapter 41 – Strip it All Away
Chapter 42 – This Fraying Cord
Chapter 43 – Endless Honeycomb
Chapter 44 – A Sweeter Hell
Chapter 45 – The Best Part of Us
Chapter 46 – Bleed Again
Chapter 47 – The Point of Taking
Chapter 48 – Down On My Knees
Part V: Silent Sea
Chapter 49 – Down by the Shoreline
Chapter 50 – Fall In
Chapter 51 – Valley, Stream, and Lea
Chapter 52 – Sing, Sweet Mountain
Chapter 53 – Carry Me
Chapter 54 – Slip Through
Chapter 55 – Lie Down
Chapter 56 – Waters
Chapter 57 – From Depth to Shoal
Chapter 58 – Silent Sea
Chapter 59 – True
Chapter 60 – Tide is Rising
Epilogue: silverprints
side 3 – 3:33 am
side 2 – bù
side 1 – cí
side 0 – jian
Extras
Character List
Song Lyrics
Extra Images & Floor Plans
Preface
Summary:
Matt and Lara start off the new year with hope for the future, but the arrival of the Irish twins throws everything on its head. The foursome grows close, riding the victories and defeats of high school with a little help from their friends. When a dim secret is dredged up from the depths of the sea, everything changes. The half-siblings leap into the unknown, wondering if they’ll ever be able to find truth.
This story is the third part of the Hook, Pick, and Lens series:
Book I: Looking Through the Lens
Book II: Depth of Field
Book III: Shutter Release
This story relies heavily on material from previous books in the series. If you enjoy this novel, please take a minute to let me know. I always appreciate reader feedback. I can be contacted through email at ryansylander at yahoo dot com. For more information and stories, visit my website at: https://www.patreon.com/ryansylander and my chat server at: https://discord.gg/ZuByzjW
This is the first version of Shutter Release. The book would never have materialized without the contributions of numerous people. First, I am most grateful for the critique and reflections of my friend Valan during the writing of the draft, acting as an invaluable sounding board to keep the story on course. The writing was additionally improved by the input of the excellent editors pcb, The Old Fart, and TexanInParis. To my patrons at Patreon, thank you for the support through this long journey, and for helping to make the ideas become even a little more real! Finally, thank you to those readers who have taken the time to write with their comments on my stories over the years. I very much have enjoyed your words and our interactions.
Cheers!
Ryan Sylander
December 31, 2018
Version history
First edition: December 2018
Prologue: Four Days
Character, like a photograph, develops in darkness
- Y.K.
Chapter 1 – Switch of Gray
The year 1991 was not even fifteen hours old when our parents dropped a little bomb on us.
As it was, the first day of the new calendar was already bittersweet. It was the end of a two-week period inundated with both highs and lows. Not unlike my beloved Catskill Mountains, I knew, with its mounts and vales… But in the physical world, these complementary features were distinct; in my mind, the peaks and valleys seemed only to blend together, whirling into a heady mix of unsteady emotion.
For a few crazy weeks I was nameless, hailed as a rock star and a wild man – well, according to one excessively kind friend, anyway. The warm excitement of rocking the school talent show, followed by a most unexpected winter dance populated by my favorite devils and angels, had led right into the outrageous glory of Jonah’s holiday party.
And then, everything had gone to pot. Of all my friends, it ended up being Pete that shat the bed. Pete, who would’ve been my last guess: Brian topped the list by generally being a selfish jerk, even if he wasn’t as tight with our group these days; Carl, second, on account of his constant cynicism; and Bruno in third, the frequent victim of bad luck or sheer incompetence. Pete wouldn’t have even been on the list, and this made his ill-fated decision to start fooling around with that damned redhead all the more strange.
I grew up with those guys and for better or for worse we were still on the same bus route. We liked the same music and we’d done great things, when we were given the chance. So I had no idea if Pete had just swerved, taken a long detour, or driven us off a cliff. Not yet, at any rate, although the occasional pit in my stomach made me wonder how high such a precipice might be.
Admittedly, that’s a harsh way to see your friends. But as I walked through these woods that I adored on this first afternoon of January, the two people I cared most about on earth were not any of those guys, not by a long shot. No, one of my favorites was driving away, putting miles between us that would not be recouped for over a month, at best.
The other, mercifully, was walking right beside me.
The morning flurries that had accompanied our earlier snowball fight eased up around lunchtime, and we were now meandering in the woodland. Trekking through the powder was a challenge but certainly worth it for the absolute beauty of the melancholic forest. The black trees reached for us, arms dressed in fine white sleeves, perhaps hoping for a caress. We dared not disturb them.
We picked our way along our creek, occasionally stopping to throw large rocks into the flat expanses of snow that betrayed their underlying ice sheets. Sometimes the projectile would shatter the frosty window, causing a cave in. The hidden current would then start to pull the wreckage down into itself, carrying the specks and flecks anywhere from an inch to a hundred miles. Either way, it was a little closer to the Atlantic. This modest brook did the work of a thousand housekeepers, constantly floating last season’s dead foliage away to make welcome the new that was to come. All this, despite the weight of winter bearing down on it; somehow it never let itself be stopped. Somehow, it coursed over the highs and lows, never complaining.
We left a little trail of these craters, continuing upstream only when the chill started to sweep away the warmth that had been gained by the effort of hiking. We were almost to the edge of our property line, near to the public lands that protected the roots of the mountain nearby. The brook was more active as the terrain steepened, flowing faster up here and indeed, it seemed as if the water was even less affected by the cold, a brazen display of defiance against the icy fingers that gripped everything else around it.
“Was last night real?”
I turned to glance at her. She stared at the stream but was clearly seeing something else.
“It was,” I confirmed.
“Everything already feels like it’s turning into a dream,” she murmured.
“It happens every time. She leaves, and a bit later, real life hits you and it all turns into a see-through memory. And the memory is nothing like the real thing. You think it is, but then she comes back and you realize how much it wasn’t. But then she leaves again, and a bit later real life hits you, and…”
She picked at a nearby trunk. “It makes me so sad.”
I turned Lara toward me and looked at her. Her eyes were open, and everything was in there at once: the highs and the lows. There was no separating them, no unstirring them.
“Hey…” I murmured.
“It’s only been a few hours since she left and I’m already trying to think when we might see her next,” she whispered.
I gave her shoulder a squeeze, knowing that we had a long way to go. From experience, I knew this mood could easily become unsustainable. “Welcome to the club,” I said gently, trying to lighten the feeling.
“February? Don’t we have winter break then?”
“Yeah, a week off,” I confirmed. “Heather couldn’t remember when hers was, though.”
“Hopefully the same. It has to be the same in the whole state, right?” she pleaded, her eyes full of hope.
“I don’t know. But hey, we’ll have the twins to entertain, right? With some luck, the time will fly by and before you know it, Heather will be back.”
“Yeah, I know. Although…” Lara stood still, her hands warming up in her pockets.
“What?” I finally prodded.
She shrugged, unsure of herself. “It’s a bit weird having the twins stay with us now.”
“Why?”
“Well, last night was amazing, but also something completely new. Something crazy. I don’t know what it means, let alone what to tell people.”
“I hope you won’t be telling anyone about it any time soon.”
“Of course not. That’s not what I meant.”
“I’m not sure our moms would understand. Heck, I’m not even sure we understand,” I added, these words seeming to come from some subconscious part of my brain.
“I know. What I mean is, what if the twins ask if I’m, like, seeing someone? You have it easy, since everyone already knows you’re with Heather. But me?”
“Yeah, I know. I’m not sure what to tell you,” I replied quietly. “I guess you’re not with anyone, but not looking either?”
Lara huffed. “That’s kind of rough.”
This is all getting weird…
“It is rough,” I agreed quietly. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault. But for the last few days, I really thought it was okay to be myself. Now I’m not sure again.”
“Lara, you still can be yourself. It’s just… complicated, I guess.”
“Am I with Heather, anyway? I don’t even know if that’s true.”
“Look, this is new for all of us. You did say you wanted to take it slow. Really, I think it’s up to you. I’m not expecting anything, and I don’t think Heather is, either. I mean, if you want to get back together with Pete, neither Heather or—”
“I don’t want to get back with him,” Lara interjected firmly.
“Okay, with anyone then. Tommy… Heck, Muireann even, I don’t know. We wouldn’t be upset.”
Lara was silent for a time. I moved close to her.
“But I think, well…” I started. “I think that you’ll always have a place with us, too.”
“How long have you felt like this?”
“Like what?” I asked.
“That you, me, and Heather could, you know… be a thing? In this… half-triangle kind of way,” she said, waving her hand uncertainly.
I sighed. “I know we’ve joked around about stuff like that, but honestly? I only really saw it a couple nights ago. There was a moment where it was all so crystal clear; everything made perfect sense.”
“Hmm. Me too,” she agreed. “I think you looked at me, and we were both seeing it.”
A tingle ran up my spine. “I remember that… But yeah, right now it’s not so obvious. You know, like how are we going to do this day-to-day? I have no idea. I feel bad, though, because it’s unfair to you. You’d have to hide it. Unless I fake-break up with Heather and you start going with her? We could trade off every six months or something.”
“Don’t be stupid.”
“It was just a joke.”
Lara didn’t laugh. “Matt?”
“Yeah?”
“Who do you think hid, of our parents?”
The question was unexpected. I considered for a while. “I really don’t know. But I think that’s why they ended up moving out here, to the middle of nowhere. Maybe they thought if they all hid together, then none of them had to hide by themselves, you know?”
“Yeah,” Lara breathed. “That’s the only way. Because that’s what I wish we could do. Take Heather with us, go deep into the woods and never come out.”
“Welcome to the club,” I repeated.
She finally let out a small laugh. It was melancholy, but at least it had some humor to it. “What the hell are we going to do, Matt?”
I put an arm around her shoulder. “I wish we knew… But since we don’t, I think we should go back to how things were before, pretty much.”
Lara’s eyes turned up to me, burgeoning with moisture.
I smiled wistfully as I continued. “Hey, don’t cry. It’s just for the time being. You should live your life how you want. Like I said, what we did last night wasn’t some temporary thing, take it now or leave it forever. It was more like finding, I don’t know… some new truth or something. It’ll always be there for us. We don’t know right now what it means, or how it works. And we definitely don’t have to try and do it, especially with the twins around.”
She seemed to slump a bit. “As much as I hate saying this, I think you’re right. I really saw it, last night… but I don’t know if I can be that person. Not yet. Not all the time, anyway.”
“Of course not. Let’s just see what happens for a while. We don’t have to take this too seriously, you know?”
“But it felt so right, Matt!” she cried.
“It did, it did. But there’s plenty of time to figure things out. We’re still in high school. I mean, we should probably just be out getting smashed and fooling around for the fun of it, not all this serious stuff.”
She eyed me. “Is that what you want? To go out and fool around with people?”
I sniffed and said nothing for a while. “No. But my basic point is still true.”
“Do you think…?” she started.
“What?”
“Will Heather understand, if I, you know…?”
“None of us can really do this right now. She has to know that too.”
“So this whole thing is more like a goal, than a reality, I guess.”
“Yeah, exactly.”
“But what if… what if I do fall for someone else?”
“Then you do and that would be great. Anything can happen. Last night was just one way, not the only way.”
“But it would be weird. Here you and her would be together, not with other people, but I’m in and out of it…?”
I sighed. “Lara, I wouldn’t blame you. You have the hard part, coming in to what Heather and I openly have. Besides, who says it has to be even anyway? My thing with Heather doesn’t have to be the same as yours, at all. In fact, it mostly won’t be.”
She nodded thoughtfully. “I guess that’s true. But it just seems weird, for me to do that.”
“Right, because being in some sort of love triangle with Heather and me isn’t weird.”
“In a way, it isn’t,” she breathed.
“We’ll figure this out as we go along and we’ll be fine. I don’t know about you, but if nothing else, I feel like, well, like you and me can truly can talk to each other now.”
Lara looked at me, her face melting into a soft smile. “Oh, Matt, you don’t know how that makes me feel, to hear that! I do love you, so much.”
“I love you too, sis. And no matter what happens, I always will.”
We held a long embrace. Her body relaxed as we shared our warmth. I had no idea what the coming months would bring, but I felt little anxiety about it, oddly for me. The world seemed open, even if trickier to navigate.
Things will work out…
After a while, I pulled out of our hug and gave Lara a small smile.
“We’ll have a good time this winter, all right?”
She nodded and squeezed my hand, and then we continued our slow walk. We funneled into a little glen and climbed a steeper section. The snow was significantly lessened up here, particularly to each side of the creek bed, to the point of even being strange. I was just about to remark on this when Lara pointed up ahead as we approached a crest in the rise.
“Hey, check it out. That old log is all ripped up.”
I looked more closely at the scene she indicated. It was always an odd section of the stream. Long before we ever lived here, a thick tree had fallen across the banks, forming a little bridge beneath which the water spouted forth. Upon death, the horizontal mass had sprouted new vertical shoots, short spindly and bushy daughters that stretched their branches out over what appeared to be a sizable pool of water, if a bit muddy. Their many limbs intertwined like a net and the whole thing had the look of an oversized bonsai arrangement. Indeed, it might have been some secret goddess’s little garden. In the warmer months, and even into late fall, the banks surrounding this hole supported unusually thick undergrowth. Whenever we hiked this way, we didn’t do more than glance at the interesting grotto and move on. Fear of poison ivy and sticky muck prevented any further exploration of it, despite the inviting sounds of a small cascade therein.
As we approached, I saw that Lara was right. The parental log had finally rotted beyond the demands put upon it by its children. It had cracked and split into many chunks, sitting just on the edge of the pool like a broken dam. Strong winter winds had likely helped in dismantling the bridge, and the daughter trees were now strewn about. Some smaller clumps were finding gentle support on the iced-over surface, but most had tumbled and rolled downstream.
The grove seemed to have been cracked open like a crab shell, allowing a better view of what was hidden within. A small outcropping of rock was the upstream water source for the pool, but the face of this little five-foot cliff was frozen solid in a sheet of icicles. The gurgling brook departing the area was a stark contrast with the seemingly dead feeder creek. But as we well knew, even where there was ice, there was usually flowing water hiding underneath.
“Help me move some of this stuff,” Lara called out, indicating the remains of the thick log.
Between us, we managed to drag, roll, and throw the larger pieces to the bank and into the woods. It was a strenuous effort made more difficult by the lack of solid footing, but soon the dammed area was relatively clear. The depressions where sections of the log had recently sat were now filling with water, and the noise was increasing as the flow swelled. The stream was, perhaps, showing her gratitude at being able to do her work a little less impeded.
“I don’t think we’ve ever been up here in winter,” I said, surveying the icy pool that had been fully revealed now. “That frozen waterfall is really cool.”
“Yeah, definitely. I wonder how thick the ice is.”
Lara stooped to pick up a large rock. With a bit of a struggle she heaved it into the air. I watched with anticipation as it arced toward the area near the waterfall. The sound of impact was dull and thick. The stone slid and came to a stop against the base of the frozen cascade, having failed to snap through the ice. A few icicles cracked and tinkled onto the white sheet.
“Completely solid,” I remarked.
Lara narrowed her eyes, before selecting another one. She threw it toward the downstream edge of the pool, near where the water had filled up the log holes and was feeding the now wilder channel that carried on in the direction of our house. This time, there was hardly a crackle as the bomb disappeared. Instead, a deep splash sounded in our ears and a gaping rounded hole revealed dark waters. I threw my own stone at the center of the pool. It didn’t go through quite as transparently as Lara’s had, but it too left an opening.
For a long moment, we studied the strange results of our haphazard experiment. Then Lara put a foot on the ice in front of her and leaned her weight onto it. A loud crack made her pull back.
“No way!” she breathed.
I approached with interest, abruptly realizing the possible discovery. We looked at each other, and then gingerly stepped over to where the old log had sat earlier. Lara pulled off her mittens and knelt, dipping her fingers into the unfrozen water there. She let out a gasp.
“What?” I started.
She moved aside, so I got down and put my hand in, my eyes widening at the sensation.
Warm…!
“Damn!”
We always figured that our stream was fed by springs. We were able to swim in fall months when most waterways in the area would induce frostbite. We’d found only a few small feeders over the years, and those were tenuous discoveries at best. Lara was convinced that our own swimming hole near the house had a direct source under the rocks, as she periodically would feel a swirl of warmth drift by her skin. In my younger days, I’d joke that it probably wasn’t water she was feeling, which invariably elicited a disgusted scoff. We never knew if there was a significant source upstream, or just many little seeps. But there was no doubt now.
Lara grabbed one of the larger tree limbs that lay on the ground and started smashing it down onto the ice around the small hole that her second stone had made. The thin layer complained with gnashing cracks, but it was no match for her enthusiasm. Soon mini glaciers broke apart and melted away as the hungry pool expanded. I joined her, working my way along the other bank. After a little time and effort, we had opened a wide oval. We both knelt and felt the water. Released from its erstwhile dam, it was spreading through the pool, slowly warming everything it touched.
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” she asked.
“I told you I wanted to take the twins swimming!” I exclaimed. “And you didn’t believe me!”
Lara probed the opening with her stick. It sank in several feet, appearing to be deeper toward the center of the pool.
“Our own fucking hot tub,” she murmured, excitement in her eyes.
“Well, I’m not sure I’d call it a hot tub, but maybe a lukewarm tub!”
“Better than no tub. Come on, let’s clean up what we can.”
We spent a good half-hour working on the area, removing more debris and widening the frozen edge of the pool. The ice grew heavier nearer to the motionless cascade, and as we broke off larger pieces they cooled the pool as they melted. Eventually it became too thick to cleave, but by now we had an unexpected jewel at our feet. At last we stood at the edge together.
“Tomorrow we’ll find out how warm it settles down to be,” Lara said.
“So sweet.”
She turned to me and gave me a grin. “We’ve been given a late Christmas gift.”
“Yeah, but then again, it feels more like Christmas Eve. Now I can’t wait for tomorrow!”
Lara laughed freely. We took a last look at the grotto and then started the hike back home, feeling a bit lighter.
At the house, we were met by an odd sight. Sarah and Melissa were sitting at the dining table, upon which was set a thin stack of family photographs. I almost started describing our discovery to them until I noticed the solemn mood.
“What’s going on?” Lara asked.
“Have a seat,” Melissa motioned.
“Is everything okay?”
“We have to have a talk.”
“Why are these pictures out?” I asked as we sat.
“We’re putting them away for a while.”
Both Lara and I stared at the small collection.
“They’re all of Dad,” Lara finally observed.
I’d noticed too, but was afraid to voice it.
“What’s going on?”
Sarah sighed, an emotional sound. “We’re going to put them away for the time that the twins are visiting us. It will be good if we try, as best we can, to be as normal as possible while they’re here.”
My glance snapped to Lara and she met it, probably thinking my identical thoughts. I winced as I saw a burst of pain flood through her eyes. Then it spilled from her mouth.
“So we’re going to erase Dad from our lives?”
“Lara…”
“Because that’s what it looks like,” she finished crossly.
“We aren’t erasing him.”
“Just hiding him away,” I half-asked.
Our moms were clearly unhappy at our initial response but said nothing.
“What’s the point of having the twins stay with us?” Lara asked. “Why did we even sign up for this?”
“We had the opportunity, and we took it. We all agreed to it, here at the table. And we fought for it when it was questioned.”
I felt a shock of shame flush through me as I remembered too well my outburst at the principal of our school some months earlier. I’d been quite upset at these invisible people who were opposed to the fact that Lara and I had two moms. What would they think if they knew about Dad?
“That’s not my point,” Lara persisted. “Why did we bother, if we’re just going to pretend to be people that we’re not?”
“It’s not like that!” Sarah pleaded.
“No, of course not. Just hiding Dad’s photos, no big deal. What’s next? Are you going to sleep in separate rooms?”
My parents glanced at each other uneasily. I had the impression that this was not a new idea to them either.
Lara grew even more animated. “I know, how about me and Mom move up to the cabin and we pretend that we’re just neighbors with you and Matt?”
“Lara… please…”
I swallowed, unable to speak. I was thrown once again against the sharp edge of the paradox we seemed to be encountering so often this day.
“This is messed up!” she moaned.
“You think this is an easy thing to do?”
“No, I don’t, which makes me wonder why you’re doing it at all!”
Lara suddenly stood up and ran to her room, closing the door. My parents stared after her, immobile. I felt the edges of my senses pushing and pulling at me and a maelstrom of conflicting thoughts circled. The rational part of me, the side that had mostly been talking to Lara in the forest that afternoon, understood my parents. We were just too weird to let our family situation hang out in full view. It was a complicated history, something that few people could understand, and fewer would accept. Things always had to remain partially hidden.
But I also felt deeply shaken. If my parents still had to hide even fifteen years after my dad had physically departed from our lives, save for that which remained on these old prints, then…
My mind reeled as an uncertain future suddenly unfurled before me. I saw a vision of myself living in this house, but it was hazy now as I put Lara and Heather with me. How would we live? Who would know about it? What would we tell people? Were there children?
The situation at hand seemed to be an enormous rebuke to all of that. What hope did I possibly have with Heather and Lara, if my parents couldn’t do it?
None.
That life isn’t a path of normality, but a path of deceit, no matter how long and how far we escape from the world. Even the death of a loving partner couldn’t rescue it from the shadows.
Since my throat was too tight to speak, I picked up the photos and looked through them slowly. I tried to imagine the twins seeing them hanging on the walls or propped up on the coffee table in their now emptied frames. What would they think?
There were too many pictures of love in the pile. Too many oddities would be implied by this man who was hugging both mothers at the same time, or lying with them in a field, holding two infants. The photos would make no sense to anyone seeing them. And that would lead to questions… Questions my parents did not want to face, apparently.
“So what is our story, then?” I muttered, after going through all the images.
Melissa and Sarah were sullen and silent. The sight was admittedly frightening. Clearly they had been putting this off until the last minute because of the pain they thought it might bring to all of us. They hadn’t been mistaken, but surely they weren’t expecting Lara’s reaction to be so harsh and unstable.
The strength sure seemed to be sapping out of my life today, right before my eyes. Heather, departed with weeks of longing ahead; Lara, unsure of who she was or even wanted to be; and now my parents, waging – and losing – an endless war against harsh society.
I walked around to their side of the table. Squeezing between them, I took each of them into my arms as I knelt.
A long time passed and the crying was profuse. At last, I pulled away and set up a chair near them. They turned to face me as I sat.
“Do we have to do this?” I asked.
“We do, Matt.”
“What would happen if we didn’t?”
There was some silence before Melissa spoke. “People are not happy with this.”
“Like the same people from the fall, when the final decision was being made?”
“Yes. They’re still upset over them staying with us.”
“Will they make the twins go somewhere else?” I asked.
Despite once fighting so adamantly in favor of their staying with us, in front of my principal, now I wasn’t quite so sure what answer I wanted to hear. Admittedly, here was a potential escape. Lara had dreamed of taking Heather and I into the deep forest, hiding away forever; but if the twins stayed elsewhere, it would have the same effect. We already live in the woods. We just have to keep everyone else out.
Then the feeling passed, as I thought of Muireann and Tommy, eagerly on their way to us in just four days. Keep them out… It was so cruel. To them. And to us…
“No, I don’t think they will,” Sarah finally said. “It’s just some people, not the principal or the organizers of the program.”
“Then why do we even care?” I asked, feeling some of that old anger bubble up in me.
They shared a long look. “Because we’re still part of the community,” Melissa explained. “You and Lara go to school. I have my restaurant. We can only isolate ourselves so much.”
“And maybe Lara is right,” Sarah said. “We should’ve thought more carefully about the spotlight this might bring on our family when we had the chance. But now, it’s too late, and we have to deal with… the situation. There are a few vocal parents in the PSA, and apparently they haven’t let this go.”
“Are you saying that someone’s threatened you?” I asked, somehow getting the sense that I wasn’t hearing the full story.
“Some of them aren’t happy, and they’ve said so,” came the reply.
I chewed on this, wondering who these unnamed families were. People I know? My friends’ parents? Is this Brian or Pete getting back at me and Lara for something?
My moms seemed to sense my thoughts. “It’s not anyone we know well. Please don’t worry about that.”
“Who then?”
“It doesn’t matter. Just know that it would be better if we keep things as… normal as we can for the twins. Even for their sake, Matt. You never said anything about Dad in your letters to them, right?”
“No,” I murmured. “The couple we sent were pretty basic. What we like doing, some stuff about our band, Heather, things like that. They sent the same kind of thing. I mean, obviously they know you’re both female, but other than that…”
“We can’t know what they would think of our real family situation.”
“Maybe it was a mistake to sign up for this,” I groaned. As the complications deepened, I huffed and threw my head back, closing my eyes.
“Don’t say that,” Sarah murmured.
What a mess…
“It’s too late now,” I groaned. I stood up and went to the stack of photographs, struggling to make sense of the situation. For a while, the three of us remained immobile, wandering the leading edge of this decision. So many unknowns… It was impossible to know what might happen. Finally I sighed.
“I do get why you’re doing this,” I muttered. “I really do, as much as I don’t like it… Can I keep the pictures in my desk?”
“Yes, of course, Matt. And we’ll bring them back out when the twins have left.”
With a flush of shame, I swept the pile into the file folder, shutting it. When they’ve left… In six months. Sorry, Dad…
“Matt…”
I looked at them.
“We’re not doing this because we want to.”
I smiled wistfully, staring down at the folder. What is, and what can never be…
“It’s not your fault it has to go this way. I do understand, really.”
“We know,” Melissa whispered.
I glanced at her, but she was looking away from me.
“I’ll talk to Lara,” I said as I picked up the folder and went to my room.
“Thank you.”
After stashing a third of my family history in the bottom of my desk drawer, I knocked on Lara’s door.
“Come in,” came the muffled reply.
She was lying in bed, staring at her wall. I sat down near her legs and stared at the floor.
“Well that was fucked up,” she muttered.
“Was it, though?”
She took a moment to glance at me over her shoulder, before returning her attention to the paint. “You don’t think?”
“You do realize that they’re in the same damn position we are?”
“I know that, Matt!” she cried. “Why do you think—” She cut off her words abruptly, though.
“And they’re making the same choice we are,” I said softly. “You can’t blame them.”
“I’m not blaming them. I’m just… pissed as hell that this is what’s happening to us. To them and us. Why the fuck do we have to put Dad’s pictures away?”
“For the same reason that if we had photos of you, me, and Heather in love, we’d have to hide those too.”
“Matt, if our parents have to fake it, then where the hell does that leave us? It’s like everything we felt yesterday, even this morning, it’s all falling apart!”
As Lara repeated my very thoughts back to me, they struck my ears like lightning. I suddenly felt drained, so I lay down alongside her.
“Believe me, I know exactly what you mean.” My voice sounded dead.
We remained there, lost in conflicted contemplation. Eventually, Lara turned to face me.
“Why is life so complicated?” she asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe we’re just fucked up people.”
“Are we?”
“Everyone else seems to think so,” I grunted.
“So much for being ourselves.”
I winced, suddenly feeling silly at the past week’s lofty talk.
Be yourself! Anything goes! Life is beautiful, hooray!
No, it all seemed fake now. No one can ever be themselves.
“What else did they say?” Lara asked.
“I guess there’s some people out there who really don’t like us, how we live. We’re just playing it real safe, so that nothing gets too stirred up.” I noticed Lara was crying. “Hey, come on. I know it’s messed up, but in the end, things will be okay. The photos will go back up.”
“Will they?” she sobbed.
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Part of me wonders if this also has something to do with Frej.”
“Frej?”
“Like, it’s time to move on. It’s been what, twelve years?”
“Sure. But Frej? Why would that have anything to do with it?”
“He’s involved with them, duh.”
“If they were trying to hide Dad from him, they would’ve done this back in October, not right after he was here.”
“Or maybe he said something this time, how it made him uncomfortable.”
I contemplated this, but it seemed really odd. “I don’t know, Lara. For one, I don’t see Frej doing that. He came into this thing knowing what was what.”
“Maybe. It’s all a bit weird, isn’t it? Dad’s been the secret parent for a long time.”
“Yeah, I guess that’s the answer to your earlier question about who hid,” I agreed.
“And now he’s being hidden even more.”
“What do you think would’ve happened,” I murmured, “if he hadn’t died?”
Lara was silent for a while. “I really don’t know.”
“Well, sometimes I’ve wondered if…”
I couldn’t bring myself to say the rest, because it was a cruel and terrible thought. But, deep down, I knew that if anything that was happening today was to be believed, then a part of the unspeakable idea in my brain had to be at least a little bit true.
“Wondered what?” Lara pressed, her voice muted.
“Forget it,” I muttered.
“That maybe when he died… it made things easier for our family?”
Oh, Lara…! No one understands me like you do…
“Yes…” I hissed, suddenly feeling extremely hollow inside.
She laid her arm on my chest, caressing my shoulder. “I’ve wondered that too. A lot. And I can never imagine what it would’ve been like for him to be around while we grew up. It doesn’t ever fit, at all. And that makes me sad. Really sad. Not just for our parents, but because…”
“Because, if we can’t even imagine it,” I whispered, “how can we expect to do it ourselves?”
Lara looked at me, her gaze penetrating mine as we connected, an unfettered conduit of feeling flowing between us. It brought me to the edge of tears.
“We can’t,” we finally spoke in unison.
Oddly, even as it seemed my thoughts were heading straight to despair as we approached that shared utterance, suddenly the air cleared a bit. Lara’s eyes widened, and she looked past me. For a time, we were still, searching the unknown wilderness of an unreliable future.
“We can’t, not now, anyway,” Lara finally continued, her voice awakening a little. “You were so right at the stream, Matt. We have to let this go and see what happens. I can’t live as a fake. If I’m ever going to be serious with Heather and you, it has to be real. And for now, that isn’t reality. It can’t be.”
“I know,” I murmured, even as I watched several days worth of accumulated fantasies conflagrate in my mind and disappear in a puff of gray smoke.
“Let’s go out there and talk to them,” Lara urged, as she rose up on one arm. “They need us. It has to be hard on them.”
“I said my piece, Lara. I already told them I think it’s the right thing to do. The pictures are in my desk drawer. You go, and I’ll be in my room if you want to talk more later.”
Lara dropped her body on top of mine, hugging me tight. “It’s not necessarily gone forever, like you said, Matt. Someday, maybe we’ll be able to live that truth.”
“I hope so.”
“But if not, then it’s been an incredible few days, for a lot of reasons. And who knows… There might be a chance for us to try it out every now and then, when Heather visits. Just to see, you know, what it could be like someday.”
Some of those fantasies unburnt themselves, just a little bit.
Chapter 2 – Circle Bright
The day’s torture wasn’t over, since we still had to tell Heather about the state of things. She was supposed to be calling me that evening after dinner. Lara and I had discussed what we would say to her, but it hadn’t been easy to come up with anything. It felt cruel, now, as we remembered how inspired she’d been the past few days. Now we had to throw sand over it again and bury it away.
Before dinner we went for another walk since it was easier to talk freely that way. It was dark, so we headed for our old swimming hole, using the very faint light thrown out by the main house windows. It was just enough to see where we were going, nothing more. Not that we really needed light to follow the well-worn path.
“I need to be the one to do it,” Lara announced, when we arrived at the stream.
“Do what?”
“Talk to Heather. I owe her at least that much. Plus, it’s my thing, you know.”
“Um, not exactly.”
“You’re not changing anything with her. I am.”
“Well… Okay, let’s say it’s that for now. What are you going to tell her?” I asked.
“I don’t know, but the right thing will come out at the time, hopefully.”
“I think she’ll totally understand. She even said as much in your bed. She knew it might be just a couple of nights of trying this out, and then we’d go back to how it used to be.”
“I guess she did say that, but it’s all so hazy. Still, it does feel a bit like I’m breaking up with her,” she added glumly.
“True.”
“Hey, did you get the impression that our moms had any suspicion?”
“Of?”
“You know… Truth.”
I let out a little laugh, understanding her code word for our situation immediately. “Truth… I’d say no, but it was a bit strange when I was talking to them about Dad’s pictures. I told them I understood why they were doing this, about hiding the photos and their past. And Mom said, ‘We know.’ It was almost like they were saying they know you and me have been talking about the same thing.”
“Whoa… And when I said it was sad that we had to hide parts of ourselves, they were like, you have to be even more careful when you’re young.”
“Hmm. Do you ever wonder if…”
Lara looked at me. “If they worry that they’ve brought us up wrong?”
I chuckled. “Damn, I feel like I don’t even need to use words with you today, sis.”
“I know, right?”
“It’s… cool. A little scary, honestly, but cool.”
“It’s like a wall used to be between us, and now it’s gone.”
I rolled my eyes. “Heh, I had the same thought a few nights ago. Except it was a camera aperture, for some reason.”
Lara laughed. “You’re such a photo geek.”
“That’s me. But anyway, do you think our moms feel that way? That they’ve messed us up?”
She pondered this. “Maybe that’s part of what this thing with Dad’s photos is about. They see us going down the same road and are trying to keep us from going there?”
I grunted. “Do you really think they could know about Truth? It just all happened.”
Lara eyed me. “Or maybe it’s really been there underneath everything, for a while.”
“Have you ever told them you like Heather?”
“No, not at all. Still, maybe they picked up on it.”
“Maybe they don’t want us to go through the pain they’ve had.”
She sniffed. “I almost think they want us to be normal.”
“Hmm, normal… Well, it’s far too late for that. Hiding a few pictures isn’t going to do shit now.”
“Yeah, we’re fucked up beyond rescue, right?”
“Probably. I mean, right now we have a fucking code word for some weird-ass three-way relationship that probably no one else on earth would think is okay.”
Lara laughed a bit wildly. “Yeah, definitely beyond rescue, then.”
We stood in silence for a time.
“I really wish I had a joint,” I blurted out.
“I was just about to say the same. But the good news is, I have some in my room.”
I gaped at her. “Really?”
“Yeah. A pretty big bag of extra joints from Jonah’s. Heather gave them to me. I guess she cleaned out his cabin before we left.”
“Wait, why did she give them all to you?” I wailed even as I laughed.
“Because I’m clearly the more responsible one of the two of us,” she said evenly. “So do you want to get completely ripped or not?”
I guffawed at the irony. “After dinner?”
We ran back to the house.
Supper was warm and familial, like old times. Our moms were very grateful that Lara and I had ended up supporting their difficult decision. We discussed our family ‘cover story’ over the meal, and it became a humorous event as we all took turns promoting ridiculous alternate histories for ourselves. Eventually we settled on the simplest, the most obvious and closest to the truth. Our moms were a couple who simply chose to both have artificial fertilization at the same time.
“The complainers will have to deal with the lesbian aspect,” Melissa announced. “I’m not sleeping in a different room for some hateful people.”
It was good to see the fire back, though there was a slight glint of sadness in my mothers’ eyes, even as they laughed. This would never be easy, fire or not.
Decided on the story, we took some time to honor Dad, knowing he wasn’t being hidden away forever, nor forgotten.
After eating, the two of us took another walk under the pretense of visiting Alice. Once freed from the lights of the house, Lara pulled out the long-awaited joint and got it going with her lighter.
“How did it go with Heather?” I asked.
They had finished their call just as dinner was served, and there had been no chance to discuss it.
“She is, I have to say…” Lara began, before taking some time to inhale the sweet smoke, “…a complete joy.”
A colossal sense of relief flooded through me. “She was okay?”
“I think she was even more understanding of it than you and me were. It sure seemed like it, anyway.”
I took the joint from her hand and filled my lungs. This brought an even deeper feeling of release. “I am so glad to hear that.”
“And guess what? We do have the same winter break!”
“Really?”
“Yeah. She’s working on her parents, trying to get them to come up and ski. We should do the same with our folks, she said. You know, get them to invite them up.”
“Wait, was this before or after you broke up with her?”
Lara chuckled. “After, Matt. She’s totally cool.”
“I’ll get on it then! It could be a blast, Heather here with the twins…”
“Yeah. Then again, will Heather be able to wear the mask and keep our secrets hidden?”
“Wear it, yeah,” I replied. “Keep it on? Who knows!”
We walked aimlessly around the deserted roads. There was much laughter and odd talk as the joint quickly disappeared. Eventually we landed at a small park and took to the lone picnic table there, after swishing the snow off the top. I was flying high.
“We should’ve brought some food,” Lara mused.
“Tell me about it. You should just start storing your joints inside bags of chips or something.”
She guffawed. “Like that would be subtle.”
“Better than starving to death. I’m about to start eating the snow.”
“Fine, but stay away from the yellow stuff.”
“Ugh, Lara.”
“Damn, Jonah’s weed is something else. I’m feeling totally baked.”
“Yeah, me too. I’m not cold anymore either. Not sure if that’s good, but whatever.”
“Whoa, you know what I just realized?” Lara blurted out.
“Uh… No, I don’t, sorry.”
“Are we even related now?”
I gaped at her. “Say what?”
“Well, think about it. Our moms get some sperm donors, then have us.”
At first, I didn’t see her point. Then the information managed to slip through a crack in the stone. “Shit, you’re right!”
“What if they used different donors?”
“Then we’re just stepsiblings.”
“Exactly… I wonder which we should be,” she mused.
“It’s just a front, Lara.”
“I know that, silly! But someone might ask. I wouldn’t be surprised if the twins actually do ask, since they’re, well, twins. It means something to them. So, are we actually related? In the fake life?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, do you want to be?” Lara asked me pointedly.
I eyed her, laughing. “You do know that no matter what we pick, we still are related, right?”
“Of course. Jeez, Matt, I’m not that dumb!”
“I know. But for a second it seemed like we were really deciding.”
“Just for the cover story!” she said, exasperation in her voice.
We were silent for while.
“Not related,” I finally said. “It would be more normal that way. I think so, anyway. Right? It would be weird for two women to get the same sperm donor.”
Lara murmured in agreement. “Yeah. The other way is more normal. So, not related.”
“Maybe our moms won’t like that, though.”
“That’s too bad. We get some say in our story, I think.” Lara hopped up. “Come on, let’s go back and get warm again. I’m actually starting to feel the cold.”
“Told you to wear ski pants.”
She eyed me but said nothing.
“Are we smoking another one for the way home?” I asked.
“Easy there, bro. We do have school tomorrow.”
“Oh shit, I totally forgot about that!”
“And this,” Lara proclaimed, “is why Heather gave me the joints.”
I could only laugh as we made our way home, the world passing by us weirdly.
“What are we going to do about the band?” Lara asked, after a time.
“I have no idea,” I muttered. “It kind of depends on you mostly.”
“I guess you guys can go back to the way it was.”
I laughed. “Yeah, right.”
“Well, I’m not going to play in a band with Pete in it.”
“I get that.”
“I’m not upset at him like I was last week, but I also can’t play music with him again.”
“Seems like it would be super awkward.”
“Yeah, but also, it’s too… intimate, you know? I can’t let him in like that again. I thought we had something. I did stuff with him that I’ve never done with anyone.”
“Like what?”
“Like, a lot. Told him stuff no one else knows. Let him… do stuff to me no one else has ever done.”
“You mean like sex stuff?” I asked delicately, sensing that change in tone in her voice.
“Yes, Matt, like sex stuff,” she answered patiently.
“I kind of figured with what you’ve told me about James, you pretty much had it all covered.”
“Uh, no? Not at all.”
“What are you talking about? Did he, like, tie you up or something?”
Lara started laughing and it was contagious.
“No way!” she eventually managed. “I don’t think Pete would ever be able to do that.”
“Yeah, I can’t picture him doing that either. So what did you do, then?”
“Nothing, just forget I said it.”
“Why?”
“You never want to hear details.”
“Well, it’s fine. I’m stoned so I don’t seem to care right now!”
“Yeah, but when you remember this tomorrow, you will care.”
“Just tell me,” I pleaded.
“No.”
Now I was intrigued. Lara was never one to shy away from sexual talk. That was my job! I went through my mental Rolodex of Lara’s known sexual acts. Outdoors with James; blowjobs, even with me watching a bit that one night; fingering herself in the tent… She let James come in her mouth, I knew… Did James ever lick her down there?
“He gave you oral sex?” I asked.
“Matt, really? You’re going to start guessing?”
“If I have to! Did he?”
“It’s not that. I’ve done that before.”
“I couldn’t remember.”
“Julie was the best at it.”
“Oh, shit, I forgot about her!” I burst out, as my mental list got longer. “But come on, Lara, just tell me!”
“Aren’t you Mr. Pushy?”
“We always shared stuff like this before, remember?”
Lara was quiet for a short time. “I remember.”
“And it was kind of fun, wasn’t it?” I continued.
“It was… But it does feel a bit different now.”
“Why? If we’re ever going to make Truth happen, we have to be able to be comfortable with each other in this way,” I said pointedly.
Lara turned abruptly. “I know that!” she huffed, her tone serious.
“Well then, out with it!” I cried, keeping my voice humorous.
For a moment we were both still.
“The thing is,” she said quietly, “you’ve never really been okay with that kind of talk. I always thought I was forcing it on you, in the end.”
I paced around. “I know. That was before the wall came down, I guess.”
Lara stared at me. Eventually she started walking again. “Some other time, Matt. I have to think about it, first.”
I caught up with her. “Okay, fine.”
“But really, why do you want to hear about me and him in that way? Do you realize what you’re asking me?”
It hit me abruptly, and I felt like a jerk.
“Oh, damn, I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “I don’t know what I was thinking. Obviously that’s not a happy subject. I’m so sorry, Lara.”
She stopped again, so I turned to look at her, bracing for the reprimand.
“No, Matt, I don’t care about that. No matter what he did the other night, I’ll remember the good times with him as good times, thank you. So I don’t mind telling you. But why do you not mind hearing it?”
“Me? Well, I’m stoned,” I ventured, flailing at her unexpected turnaround. “Not my usual grumpy self?”
Lara got closer to me. “Matt, come on. It’s not because you’re stoned. Why do you really want to know?”
A hollow feeling in my stomach was creeping up on me, and it wasn’t hunger from the pot smoking. No, it was a feeling I’d not felt for a little while. An old pang of pain, easily forgotten in the elation of recent events.
Lara was gazing at me, less that a foot away from my face.
“You’re right, it’s none of my business,” I finally said, breaking away from her observation. “I’m sorry. I just got a little worked up with the weed and all the stuff that happened today.”
“Okay. That’s fine.”
“Anyway, maybe we should call it a night,” I suggested, suddenly feeling spent. “I keep hoping for a snow day tomorrow, but it doesn’t look like that’s happening. The roads are all clear.”
“Yeah, we’re not going to get lucky,” Lara lamented. “Back to the grind.”
“Ugh, the bus ride…” I groaned. “Where am I going to sit?”
Lara laughed, far too happily. “Decisions, decisions.”
“I know, right? What should I do? You want me to sit with you?”
“They’re still your friends, Matt. Just because me and Pete are done, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t hang out with them anymore.”
“I know, but… It’s going to be fucking weird in the back seats,” I moped.
“Well, maybe you’ll get lucky.”
“Lucky? How? They’ll all be sick tomorrow or something?”
“Maybe. Don’t worry about it. Things will be fine.”
“Oh, and then the twins are here,” I continued with added drama. “Where the heck will they sit?”
Lara patted my arm. “Matt, trust me, and forget about it. It will be fine. You’ll see.”
“Okay, if you say so.” I pulled her close to my side as we walked on. “Thanks, for talking today. We’ll get through all this.”
“We always do, Matt. We always do. And we still have a few days to figure out who exactly we’ll be when the twins are here.”
Lara, that little imp! She knew the whole time that the bus ride wouldn’t be a problem and didn’t let me in on the secret. The first sign was the appearance of an older but serviceable Corolla in the clearing that fronted our house.
“Mom, someone’s here,” I called out to Melissa, as I put on my coat.
Lara bounced past me, far more excited at this early hour than she’d ever been. “Come on, or we’re going to miss the bus, bro!”
Before I could ask what had gotten into her, Lara had whipped the front door open and bounded out. I followed slowly, watching as she ran right for the car. I did a double take as she slipped into the passenger side.
I couldn’t make out the driver from the glare on the windshield, but as I got closer I could finally see Alice grinning at me through the side window.
With a surge of relief, I jumped into the back seat. The car was warm, and Lara turned to me with glee.
“Welcome to the new bus!” Lara cried.
“Jeez, Alice, what’s this?” I asked.
“Christmas present!” she exclaimed, as she started off down our driveway.
“Damn! That’s awesome!”
“It’s my brother’s old car, so it’s been around the town a few times.”
“But it’s a set of wheels!” Lara squealed. “This is so cool!”
Soon after turning out of our drive, we passed the bus going in the opposite direction. We cheered at it. As I looked up at the rear end, I could see Brian’s shirt back leaning against the rearmost window, his usual spot. Later on, suckers!
“Alice said she’d drive us to school now, and by the way I’m calling shotgun for the year,” Lara announced.
“I don’t care. I’ll ride on the fucking roof if I have to! Are we really never taking the bus again?”
The freedom was heady, and I rolled down the window and yelled out as Alice honked the horn. We rode to school as if our team had won the World Series in the ninth.
Sadly, the feeling wore off quickly as I started remembering how much school was a drag. First period was endless. The saving grace was the fact of a three-day week, meaning that the weekend was already in sight. The twins would be arriving on Saturday and life would change for some six months, hopefully not for the worse. Still, it was going to be a painful three days until then.
“Matt! Wait up!”
I turned to find the guitarist from Green Space catching up with me.
“Hey man, what’s up?” I greeted.
“You still want to jam some time?” Colin asked.
“That would be cool,” I replied, glad that he’d remembered the offer he’d made after the talent show last month.
“Sweet. Play any gigs over break?”
I hesitated. “Yeah, actually. We played a house party, down in Woodstock.”
Colin looked impressed. I felt a little bad for cashing in on that last piece of information. Even if the famous festival hadn’t been held in that town, saying you played a gig in Woodstock had an undeniably cool ring to it.
“Right on, man! I bet it was fun.”
“Crazy fun,” I replied.
“Awesome. How did you score that?”
“A guy we know. He throws big parties and has bands play.”
“That’s killer. Is he, you know, looking for other bands?”
“I’ll put in a good word for you, man,” I offered.
I seemed to be his new friend after that. A couple more times during the day he passed me in the hall and made a point of chatting. We exchanged numbers with a promise to find a time to jam. There was a decided thrill to hanging out in the hallways, however briefly, with a cool senior, talking music and guitars as everyone else milled around us.
During study hall, I steeled myself and approached Pete, who was sitting in a chair hiding underneath giant new Walkman headphones. I tapped his shoulder, and he glanced at me. Unfortunately, he was going to make me work for it, so I gestured to his covered ears until he pulled the cans aside.
“We should talk, man.”
“What about,” he grunted.
I glanced around. “Let’s go outside.”
Pete was the definition of reluctance for a long moment, but then he did get up and follow me out to the courtyard. I winced at my choice of exit, as we ended up right by the concrete pillar that sported a faded set of initials enclosed by a heart. They were neither Pete’s nor Lara’s letters, but it was in the process of photographing that little piece of graffiti a few months ago that they’d first gotten together. I shook the memory away and moved on to a different section.
After mulling a few openings, I spoke. “Look, man, I know things went to hell between you and Lara. And I’m sure I said some shit the other night that you probably didn’t like. I’m sorry about that. I was still pretty upset about stuff.”
Pete stood there, mute, looking at the ground. I wasn’t even sure if he’d heard me. I suddenly didn’t feel like working for it anymore so I got to the point.
“Are you pissed at me?”
Pete took a breath. “Everything got fucked up, Matt. I know I screwed up, but nobody gave me a chance to fix it.”
I held my tongue, not wanting to repeat my lecture from Brian’s driveway from the first time I’d confronted him about what he’d done. Even though he deserves it…
“I haven’t heard from Lara,” he added. “I guess it’s over?”
“I thought she called you and told you it was over a few days ago.”
“I know, but I keep hoping she might change her mind.”
“I don’t know, man. You have to ask her that.”
“You haven’t talked to her about me?”
I sighed. “Well, sure. But I’m not going to answer for her.”
“But she must’ve said something, about where she’s at?” Pete was getting somewhat animated. “Is there any hope?”
She wants nothing to do with you anymore…
“If you really want to know what I think from what she’s said, then… she’s on a break with you.”
Pete visibly slumped. “So it’s over.”
“Lara feels pretty strongly about it. Believe me, I wish none of this happened. I’m not saying I have it as bad as you and Lara, but I don’t exactly like seeing my sister and my friend go through this. It’s not easy on—”
“What’s going to happen with the band?” Pete interrupted.
I stared at him. “I don’t know. But I’m pretty sure Lara isn’t in it anymore.”
He groaned, a pathetically sad sound. “So that’s over too.”
“Just because she’s not in the band, doesn’t mean it’s over.”
“Oh, what, you’re going to sing then?”
“No way. But she’s not the only singer on earth,” I said, even as a disconnect was rising within me. I felt like I was trying to convince Pete of something I didn’t even believe anymore. “Look man, we both know this is awkward as hell. If you don’t want to hang with me anymore because I’m her brother, then fine, just say so.”
“Just let me see what happens with Lara, all right?”
“Sure,” I agreed, though I felt like smacking him. It’s over, man, give it up!
Pete walked off. I sighed, wondering what that had accomplished. Nothing, really…
After school that day, Lara came into my room shortly after I’d set my book bag down. Thankfully the assignments had been light, but there was much to do for the twins’ arrival, so I wasn’t expecting any free time.
“Ready?” she asked.
“For?”
“Temperature check!” she chirped.
“Oh yeah! I forgot!”
Technically, this could be seen as preparing for the twins. Heating up the swimming pool…
We donned our coats again and hurried through the forest, cutting through at an angle to reach the upstream section where our lukewarm tub had hopefully transformed into at least a warm tub.
“The moment of truth,” Lara said, as we approached.
“Looks boiling hot,” I joked.
“Yeah, I was kind of hoping for a little steam,” Lara lamented.
At least the ice had not reclaimed any of the pool we’d smashed out. We both knelt and put our hands into the water. It was… warm enough. Dreams of a Jacuzzi had not come true, but it would certainly be good enough for an occasional dip as spring started emerging in a few months.
“Should we try it?” Lara asked.
I gawked at her. “Um, no? It’s cold!”
“Come on, we swim in colder water down by the house.”
“It’s not the water I’m worried about, it’s the getting out part!”
“True. But come on, a quick dip, and then we’ll run back to the house and sit in front of the stove.”
I looked around furtively for any errant hikers, but I knew that was a lame excuse. No one would be out in the woods back here. Our property was well signed.
Lara didn’t wait for my answer, and soon her coat and clothes were coming off as fast as she could manage. I gaped at her as she even lost her undergarments. I knew we were cold-hardy people by necessity, but this seemed a bit much.
“You are insane,” I stated.
“You know it,” she replied sweetly, as she carefully made her way into the pool. The submerged terrain soon made for slow going as she felt around with each little step.
I eyed her nude form. For a moment, I wondered how Pete could possibly be such a fucking idiot. I would pass out from alcohol poisoning before the drink would ever make me do what he did that night…
“You know, it would be easier if we could hold on to each other,” she sang.
“Fine,” I huffed. I knew it was below freezing out, but this fact took on a much more demonstrative meaning as I got naked. By the time my boxers were falling onto the pile of clothing, I was ready to cannonball into the center of the pool, unfathomed depth be damned. Foolishly I thought to look for some sturdy walking sticks only after I’d lost my protective clothes. I scurried around the edge of the woods, finally finding the necessary branches. Thankfully there was no wind, but the air was still razor sharp on my skin.
At last armed with the poles, I stepped into the shallow edge beside Lara, instantly glad for the relief of the water on my feet. Despite a lack of snow in the immediate vicinity of the pool, likely due to seepage, the ground wasn’t warm by any means.
“Here,” I said, giving one long stick to Lara.
We made much faster progress now, and the bed of the pool turned out to be a mix of muck and stones, some of which were the projectiles we had thrown in the day before. The center turned out to be deep enough to reach our privates, and once we had assured ourselves of a relatively stable basin, we sank in, neck deep. The water was surprisingly balmy, though clearly the area toward the downstream outlet was warmer than the section near the frozen cascade. Very lazy currents convected waters of different temperatures around us.
Lara grinned at me. “Not so bad, is it?”
“Could be worse,” I agreed.
“So how was your first day back?” she asked.
“Eh, same shit, different smell.”
“Wow, I sure hope this isn’t the high point for the year.”
I chuckled, before a sudden memory choked it off. “Oh, I did talk to Pete by the way.”
“Okay. What about?”
“Well, the band. And you… It was kind of weird, and I have no idea where anything stands.”
“What did he say about me?”
I shrugged. “Same stuff as before. He fucked up but you didn’t give him a chance, things like that.”
Lara made a face. “Oh well, dude.”
“I’ve kind of decided that for now I’m just going to let things lie, with the music. It’s all too weird to try and do anything right now.”
“Yeah, I get that. You and me can still play, though, right?”
“Of course!” I replied. “I meant with them. Plus we’ll see what Tommy and Muireann are like. They sound like they’re decent musicians, from what they said.”
“True. But I still would feel bad if you don’t play with those guys because of me. It seems unfair.”
I grunted. “Life isn’t always fair. And who knows, maybe I’ll still jam with them, once things aren’t so, you know… raw.”
“You should. There was some really good stuff happening, before, well…”
“So many changes, all of a sudden,” I murmured.
“This pool is one of the best changes, though,” Lara remarked, stretching out to float for a bit.
“Definitely,” I agreed. “Unfortunately, we do have to get out at some point, even though now I don’t want to.”
Lara murmured happily. “I know. But let’s just enjoy it for a little longer. Unlike everything else good around us, we don’t have to rush to end it all.”
Thursday seemed to go even slower, if possible. The lone bright spot was photography class. After two weeks, I was anxious to get back to the refuge of Jane’s classroom. Besides, I hadn’t seen Shannon since the photo shoot with Heather and Lara. After missing her on the first day of school, a call to her house had found her still recovering from the cold she’d picked up a few days earlier. She’d promised to be in today, but I’d been unable to find her at lunch despite spending half the period looking for her. As soon as English class let out, I hurried to her locker in order to catch up for a few minutes on the way to the art room.
“Matt-eeeeee!” she cried as she spotted me. She dropped her stuff all over the floor and rushed to give me a tight hug. “Don’t worry, I’m not sick anymore,” she added.
I laughed, only vaguely aware of the stares of kids detouring around us as we took up half the hallway.
“Good to know,” I said. “Happy New Year!”
Shannon was about as cheerful as I’d ever seen her. “And to you! Hey, I have something to tell you.” She leaned very close to my ear again. “I developed the shots!”
After taking a moment to register which pictures she could be talking about, I whipped my head around to look at her. “What? How? Did you break into my darkroom?”
Her eyes were unusually wide and wild. “I printed them here, at lunch today!”
“In the school darkroom? You’ve got to be kidding me!” I whispered back, aghast. “What about Jane?”
“I just didn’t let anyone in.”
“Wow, Shan!”
“What? It is a darkroom, after all, so I’m allowed to lock the door!”
I stepped back and appraised her. “Well, well, well… I think I’m just going to have to come out and say it,” I announced, grinning at her.
She narrowed her eyes at me. “Say what?”
“Wild woman!”
That cracked her up good, and we shared a long laugh. At last she remembered her mess and I helped her gather it up.
“It was just a couple of prints,” she explained. “That’s all I had time for.”
“You could’ve come over to my place. You know you’re welcome whenever you want.”
“I know, but I was sick, and then I just couldn’t wait. Staring at the negatives all week wasn’t working for me anymore. I just had to see them!”
I sniggered. “Desperation sets in. So where are they?”
“In there,” she said, indicating her book bag. Her voice was quietly excited again. “Safe and sound.”
I glanced at the hall clock. “If we hurry, we can swing by the library before Jane’s class.”
“Library?” she asked, confused.
“Yeah, find a deserted aisle in the corner. Isn’t that usually the best place in a school to, you know, see naked people?” I joked.
Shannon was grinning ear to ear as she slammed her locker closed. “You think it’s safe?”
“Safer than printing them was, that’s for sure!” I replied.
“Hopefully I didn’t leave any of the negatives behind in the darkroom,” she mused, nudging me in the ribs as we started off.
I just rolled my eyes.
The library was on the far end of the hall, but halfway there we were accosted by a familiar face. I glanced apologetically at Shannon as he approached, since our precious few minutes were about to evaporate. So much for seeing the prints… She just grinned back at me. Quite happily, I thought.
“Hey, dude!” Colin called out.
“What’s up? I got your message, but we’re trying to get the house ready for these exchange students, so jamming might have to wait a little.”
“Man, it’s all good! We’ll get something going soon.”
“You know Shannon, right?” I introduced.
Colin’s eyes narrowed as he looked at her. “Yeah, from the talent show.” Then his eyes widened in reverent awe. “Wait, you sang that crazy version of the Jane’s Addiction album!”
I guffawed. “No, no. Shannon was in the white dress!”
“Yeah, the white dress that looked red in the weird party lights at Jake’s house! Right?” Colin looked at Shannon’s blonde hair. “No, wait…”
I laughed as Heather’s ruse finally started to fall apart in Colin’s brain, almost two weeks after the fact.
“You danced…” he said as the mists finally started clearing. “To that cool guitar thing, right?”
Shannon nodded coyly. “That was me.”
“And you went to the winter thing with Matt! But then… who’s the girl from Jake’s?” Colin asked me.
I almost felt bad, kicking out the remaining scaffold. “That’s Heather, my girlfriend.”
He glanced at Shannon again. “Oh, I thought you two—”
“No, we’re just good friends,” she chimed in, with surprising confidence.
“Oh! Cool, cool!” Colin smiled at her. “That was a crazy night!”
“It was!” Shannon agreed. “You played really great, by the way.”
“Thanks! And your dancing was fucking killer. How do you even do that?”
“Just practice, you know.”
“Nah, it has to be more than that,” Colin gushed. “You have some serious talent!”
“Thanks!” she squeaked. She seemed to blush slightly as she looked at me. “I guess we have to get to class, huh?”
“Can I walk with you?” Colin asked before I could even nod.
As Shannon started walking toward the stairs, he fell in along side her and continued his praise for Electric Counterpoint. I followed along, completely unnoticed.
Suddenly I grinned, because Lara was climbing the steps. I hung back and watched her greet Shannon warmly. She continued up the stairs, giving me a smile as she intended to continue by. I grabbed her arm and pushed her against the rail.
“I think Mr. Blind is dead!” I whispered triumphantly.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“It only took me about twenty seconds to figure out that Shannon and Colin are into each other!”
“Oh, Matt,” Lara laughed. “I saw that coming the night of the talent show.”
I gaped at her. “What?”
“Keep it up though,” she encouraged, patting my chest. “It took you a couple years with Julie, and what, was it like ten months with Heather? Two weeks ain’t bad, kid!”
“Nooo!” I groaned, squeezing my raised fist in mock frustration as she left me standing there. “Foiled again!”
“Have a good class, Mr. Blind!” she called from the upper landing.
“Half-Blind! Mr. Half-Blind!” I yelled wildly, to the puzzlement of everyone around me.
I laughed the whole way to Jane’s room.
Chapter 3 – She Flew Away
Colin and Shannon were still chatting near the door to Jane’s classroom, so I told her I’d grab our regular seats. When the bell rang a few minutes later, she joined me.
“I guess we’ll have to check out the photos later,” Shannon said apologetically.
“Tomorrow’s another day,” I said, grinning.
“Nah, no school tomorrow.”
I turned to her as Jane called for quiet. “Really? Why?”
“Another big storm,” she whispered.
“Whoa! They already cancelled?”
“I don’t know. But we’re going to get slammed all night.”
“That’s the best news I’ve heard today!”
Shannon smiled, but Jane got busy and I didn’t want to miss what she had to say. She held up what looked like a long black tube with a bunch of small letters printed on the side.
“Filters,” Jane announced, as she handed the object to the nearest student. “Pick one end, unscrew one ring carefully, and then pass the stack around… How was holiday break for everyone?”
Vague and disinterested murmurs punctuated her question.
“Wow, sounds so exciting,” she deadpanned. “I’m sure being back at school will get you going again. Remember that our last class for the first term is two weeks from today. There won’t be an exam, but instead you will be displaying your best photos in the hallways near the gymnasium. Everyone should start planning for that now. Pick your favorite three images from the term and reprint them to improve them. You all saved your negatives, right?”
While some of the kids asked questions about misplaced negatives, I turned to Shannon.
“Which three are you going to use?”
She smiled. “Tough one. Probably my favorite three photos right now are ones I shouldn’t show!”
I laughed. “I was thinking the same thing! We need to start our own secret gallery.”
Jane spoke to the class again. “We do have one project left for this term. For this, you will use the lens filter you get from the stack to show some before and after examples of how best to use it to your advantage. If anyone needs a larger ring size for their lens,” she added, glancing in our direction, “just see me after class and you can trade it in.”
The stack was down to two when it finally reached Shannon and me in the back of the room. She held it out between two fingers.
“What side do you want?” she asked.
“Tails?”
She laughed as she studied the pair. “Um… Okay, how about the screw side, or the screwed side?”
“Rather screw than be screwed,” I whispered.
Shannon’s eyes widened, but she only grinned as she separated the two filters. She passed me my choice, and I held it up to the light. It was perfectly clear.
“Wow,” I drawled sarcastically. “This is really going to change the way I take photos!”
She giggled. “Did you just get a plain UV filter?”
“Looks like. What did you get?”
She held up a dark blue circle.
“Wow, that’s cool! Looks like I got screwed after all,” I joked.
She sniffed and patted my arm. “As usual. What does yours say?”
I read the markings on the side. “It says ‘Diff’. Difference, maybe? Even though I can’t see a difference.”
“I think it might be diffusion.”
“Hmm. All right, maybe there’s something to it.” I peered through the filter at the room beyond, but whatever effect the glass was producing, it was understated. It was only when I turned to look at Shannon’s face through it that I caught onto the slight softness it seemed to produce.
She smiled exaggeratedly at me as I eyed her. “How do I look?”
“A bit ghostly,” I answered.
“Really?”
We traded filters, and she studied mine while I enjoyed the world through her alien azure.
“It’s subtle, but I see it,” Shannon said.
“I can’t tell what yours does,” I joked, eliciting a giggle.
Jane got the class’s attention again. “Most of you will have gotten colored filters. Does anyone know what these do for your photos?”
“Make them come out in color?” one guy suggested.
I almost laughed, and then realized that he was serious.
“Well, not quite,” Jane replied, smiling. “But, perhaps, in a different way, you might say that,” she added kindly.
Shannon was much less merciful than our teacher as she leaned close to me. “Seriously? You’d think that after half a year of this class Ryan would realize how black and white photography works!”
“Any other ideas?” Jane asked.
Shannon had her hand up now. Jane gave it a few more seconds before calling on my friend.
“You can control the contrast between different colored objects in your scene,” Shannon explained.
“Yes, indeed.” Jane proceeded to tape a photo onto her easel. “Look at this color photograph here. It is extremely basic: a red apple sitting on a blue tablecloth. Now, who has the 82B filter, and who has the Red 29?”
Shannon took her blue filter to Jane, while another student handed his over. Jane held the two rings over the photo so that each contained part of the apple and part of the tablecloth.
“What do you expect to see for each of these filters, when you print your photos? Given that they will still be in black and white,” she added with emphasis, likely for one particular student’s benefit.
Shannon raised her hand again, but Jane ignored it so she eventually put it down.