The Dawn Beyond the Darkness - Charles Fornau

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“Natalie, dear, thank you for being here, again. Could you get me some water before we get started, honey?” The little girl from next door that became so close to Allie, nodded, kissed her forehead and headed off to the kitchen.

“Hey, Mr. Thomas,” she said, passing by me at the kitchen table where I was looking over some papers from work. From this vantage point I could see Allie where she lay in our bed in the Master Bedroom. We were lucky, sort of, that we could do this. That way she could relax and sleep without me being there bothering her, and I could still make sure she was OK.

“Hey Natalie. What are you guys reading today?”

“Little Women. I have it for English class anyway, so Allie says we’re killing multiple foul with singular rocks. Your wife missed her calling. She should be on stage at The Laff Owt Lowd.” We had a bar in the next town that did an amateur comedy thing they were pretty well known for.

“Glad to hear she could be of assistance.” Allie heard me from her place in the bed and smiled at me, getting a grin in return.

The days were getting longer for her, more and more pain setting in, as the cancer ate and replaced more and more of her young and once healthy and beautiful self. Allie was a gorgeous creature in her time. Simply radiant, full of energy, good natured, and a joy to be around. When we went in for fertility tests to see if we were ever going to have any luck with baby production, they found three different cancers, ovarian, liver, and pancreatic, at the early stages, but they couldn’t stop them. Chemo, radiation, nothing seemed to work completely. The liver cancer was abated, the ovarian was mostly removed during her bilateral radical hysterectomy, but had metastasized, reaching her intestinal wall. Operation after operation just to keep her alive, had taken its toll.

The last colon resection did it. She called it quits and asked to go home. That was a month ago. Natalie helped me take care of her, reading to her and helping her feel comfortable. As comfortable as was possible, anyway.

I was pretty sure we were getting close. She asked me to lay with her a lot and just hold her. She loved me kissing the back of her neck while I held her tummy. She said it helped more than the morphine pump did in reducing the pain. I held her as much as she could stand while still being able to get any work done.

I worked from home most of the time now, my office staff holding down the fort and my managers attending meetings and keeping me up to date. Our company was doing well, I trusted my people, and I have to say, without them, this wouldn’t have gone nearly as well. They’d understand just how much that meant to both Allie and me later in the year.

It was summer and Natalie was out of school for another month or so, as Independence Day had just passed, with a whimper this year, as opposed to a bang. She was going to find out just how much she’s meant to us as well. Allie made me promise to make sure her college was taken care of. Her parents lived just a couple of doors down from us but were having issues due to layoffs at her place of employment and downsizing as well as corresponding cuts in salaries for management, at his. They way overbought when they purchased their house here, spending the absolute maximum allowed by some parasitic and predatory mortgage company. Easily half of their monthly income went into their house, and another quarter of it into their fancy cars. They spent every nickel they made, and then some. If I remember their latest complaint, it was that there were no jobs available and they were spending their savings, Natalie’s college fund, in other words, on the electric and gas bills. The job complaint bothered me, but I kept my mouth shut. I had production jobs available that I had a hard time finding good, intelligent, people to fill. It was work, but they got paid well for it. Natalie’s mother obviously wanted no part of that. Nor any of the other jobs where getting out from behind a desk would be required. Done. Moving on…

In any case, knowing all that, Allie made me swear to put Natalie through the local university for at least a four-year degree and a master’s if I thought it was feasible later. I swore I would. Without hesitation, I promised my wife I’d take care of Natalie however I could, but especially that. I had grown very, very fond of Natalie. She was a wonderful, beautiful, open, caring, giving, selfless, outgoing, happy girl, and helped me change Allie’s last weeks of life from pain and despair to accompanied joy.

When Allie passed, both of us were holding her hands in both of ours. Natalie was smiling as she herself cried, watching Allie’s smile, knowing she wasn’t alone and was loved beyond comprehension when she died. Natalie leaned to kiss her cheek and her forehead, then hugged me, over Allie’s faded body.

“I’ll leave you alone. Should I call anyone?”

“Thank you, doll, but I’ll do that in a few minutes. I’ll be right out.” I fell apart, hardly able to breathe, then held her in my arms, kissed her forehead, her nose, her lips, and lay her back down. Natalie was waiting at the door for me.

“Go on. Make your call. Go sit down in the kitchen. I’ll make you a drink and something to eat. You haven’t eaten all day, Mr. Thomas. I need to make sure you… I have to… You need to take care…” I interrupted her.

“What were you saying, honey? Tell me, please?”

“Well, Allie told me to take care of you, to make sure you took care of yourself, and to always be honest with you. She told me no matter what, to do those things, and I would want for nothing.”

“Looks like we’re caught in a crossfire, doll. She told me to take care of you.” We hugged each other, then I sat and cried while she had her hands on my shoulders, rubbing them, crying herself.

“Call. I’ll make you some soup.” Stronger than me, obviously, she got her message out between sobs.

I called the non-emergency number to the police, explained the situation, then asked them to call the hospital where Allie was being seen and send the coroner out. There was no reason to send an EMS ambulance out when nothing could be done. We were told to do this, since there was no chance of saving her, and hasn’t been for damned near a year. They listened.

The police showed up. The coroner followed directly afterward and after a few questions and checking Allie out to make sure she was gone, they passed their condolences, a case number, and asked who I wanted them to call.

“Langley Funeral Home. Scott will know what we want. We’ve talked and I’ll call him and tell him to expect you. Thanks.”

“You just sit down, sir, and take care of yourself for a bit. I’ll call Scott Langley. You just take care of Charlie Thomas. We’ll take care of the rest.”

“Thank you,” was about all I could get out. My lips were quivering, I was having a hard time just looking up. Natalie came over, still crying, after putting a Rubbermaid container of something in a pan, and pulled my head into her tummy and held me. I just completely fell apart again as I heard the door close. My beautiful, wonderful, loving wife was gone. Completely and utterly gone. I wrapped my arms around Natalie and wailed.

It was ten minutes, at least, when I realized I wasn’t crying, and she was rubbing my head with one hand and my back with the other. She asked for my phone.

“No, Mom, it’s me. Allie’s gone. They took her a bit ago. I’m making Mr. Thomas something to eat, then I’ll be home later. --- Yes, ma’am. --- I will. Bye. Mom told me to tell you how sorry they are that you lost Allie, Mr. Thomas. They are, too. I know that. Allie called Mom several times thanking her for letting me spend so much time with her. They spent a lot of time talking in the last 6 months or so. I know they’re in trouble and all, but they’re not bad people, sir. They just…” I interrupted her.

“They got in over their heads. I know they’re good people, Natalie. I know. I’m sure something good will happen and they’ll be OK.”

“I hope so. They didn’t used to be so… They fight a lot. I don’t want you to think that’s why I spend so much time over here, I did that for Allie, but it does make it a lot easier to be here and away from home.”

“I’ll bet,” I told her. “I’d better let you go. Thank you for being here. It’s like Allie left you with me to keep an eye on me.”

“Uhmmm. Mr. Thomas, that’s exactly what she did.” Her little smile wasn’t forced. It looked strange with tear tracks on either side of it, but it was still cute.

I smiled back. “Yeah, hon, I guess that’s true. Crossfire. Same here.”

“I’m going to turn the stove on this time, sir, are you OK for a bit.”

“I’m fine, sweetie. Natalie, would you like to just call me Charlie. Just call me Charlie, for now, and we’ll be fine. Mr. Thomas is a bit formal, and I think we’re probably going to be spending time together still. I need to make sure you are taken care of according to Allie’s wishes, and it looks like you have your orders as well.”

“I’ll try. Charlie. Okay. That wasn’t too bad. Charlie, I’ll have some soup and a grilled sandwich for you in a few minutes. Why don’t you go and wash your face and come on back? I’ll have something for you to drink, and you can keep me company while I finish your dinner. I meant to make you one a bit ago, your drink, but I was too busy crying on your shoulder to get that done. I’m sorry, but your shirt is a bit wet.”

“Not a problem. Not today. Not ever, as a matter of fact. Back in a bit.” I went up and washed my face, took off the wet shirt, pulled on a polo and went back down. She was still standing at the stove. “May I?” She turned and saw me with my arms out.

“Anytime, Charlie. We have to get each other through this. I loved her, too, you know.” I nodded and hugged her, then went to the table, where there was a glass of ice water and a shot of something amber with an ice cube almost floating in it. I organized some papers, putting them in stacks and made a couple of phone calls. One was to my office manager and the other to my operations manager. They could handle the office and the production plants for a short time while I was away from work. I told them I’d be available by phone, but I’d be taking care of the details concerning Allie. Naturally, I was told to take all the time I needed. ‘What else would they say?’ I smiled, just a bit to myself as I thought about that.

“Dinner. What’s so funny that it made you smile?” She set a little sandwich plate and a soup bowl in front of me.

“Just the people at work telling me to take all the time I needed. Sounds like something I might tell an employee, not what an employee might tell the owner.”

Natalie laughed. She has such a gorgeous laugh. Her voice, too. Soothing. Soft. “That is kind of funny. Eat before it gets cold.” She tidied up a bit then came back over to me. “I’m going home now. Are you going to be OK, Charlie? Really OK?”

I nodded, a spoonful of soup she made day before yesterday still in my mouth. The girl could cook. Her mastery of spices and flavors was uncanny. I swallowed. “Yes, doll. We’ve known it was coming for months. It’s not like God reached down with no warning and took her from us. I’ll be fine. I’ll cry all night and wish she was in my arms again, but I’ll be fine. Tomorrow, I’ll start anew, like she told me to, and after a while, I’ll be fine. I have you to look out for now, too. The boss done spoke! Gotta listen.”

She kissed me on the lips, pinched my earlobe ever so gently and left, telling me over her shoulder, “Call me if you need me. I mean that.”

“I will. I promise.”

The next morning, I woke to the smell of coffee. The pillow was a mess. The dampness wasn’t just from tears. As I moved I could feel the sheets were wet, too. I must have broken one hell of a sweat during the night. I blew my nose until I could breathe, then went downstairs in my robe. Natalie came to me for a hug and a kiss. On the lips. I didn’t refuse it.

“Charlie, I’m going to set something up for dinner for you, but I have a date tonight, so I won’t be here. Will you promise to eat?”

“I will. A date?”

“Yes, a date. A nice boy that asked me last week. I put him off for a bit, but he seems nice and… I just need to go out. I hope you understand.”

“No. No, it’s fine. Sorry. I didn’t mean anything. Yes, of course. Sure. Natalie, if I ask you a question, will you promise to answer it honestly?”

“I have to. Allie’s orders.”

“Do you have any money?” She shook her head, looking down, almost in shame. “OK. Here.” I dug two twenties out of my wallet and gave them to her. “Stick these in your bra. Don’t trust anyone but Allie. Got it?” She nodded. “I mean that. “Trust yourself, and trust your feelings for Allie, and you’ll be fine. Let me know when you’re leaving. I need a kiss and a hug.”

“Thank you, Charlie. I will.”

She walked out in front of the mower at three o’clock and waved her arms. I shut the mower down. “Don’t mow me, don’t mow me,” she said, half smiling. Better than none. “Your dinner is in the oven. Start it and run it for 45 minutes at 350. I showed you how to do that, right?” I nodded. She had in fact done that a few times when leaving me things to cook for us. “OK, I’m off. Call me if you need me. I mean it, Charlie. Call me.”

“Yes, ma’am. Thank you, Natalie. I really appreciate you and all you’ve done.”

She reached out taking my earlobe between her thumb and forefinger, pulling me over to her, since she was standing a bit away at the edge of the mower deck, and kissed me as I leaned over. Once on the lips and once on the forehead. “I love you, Charlie. Make sure you eat. See you tomorrow.” All I could do was smile and nod.

She’d never said that to me before. She said, ‘I love you’.

I finished mowing, and on the way to take a shower I started the oven. As I pushed the buttons on the panel over the stove, I thought, ‘She said she loved me’.

I went to the master suite, passing by the bed and reminded myself to change the sheets. I was soaked when I woke up this morning. Not only that, but my pillow was pretty yucky. I’m fairly sure my nose ran a bit as I was crying. Sheets. I needed to change the sheets.

The shower felt good. Mowing the entire yard in one day was a lot. Not too much to handle, but I usually broke it up, doing the back on Saturday and the front on Sunday, when I did it myself. Allie… Tears came. Shit. Allie used to do the front since it was mostly open, and I’d do that back. We had two mowers, one being a zero turn that was actually fun to zip around on and a sub-compact tractor with a big deck on it. Allie loved the little RZT. Her part was always done in minutes. Mine was measured hours.

I was going to miss her more and more, every time my mind went back. Every time I remembered something we shared, did together, bought, anything like that, I’d go back and grieve again. Our grief counselor told us that. There was no cure for grief but time. Time and staying busy, if possible. Life moves on, and we needed to move on with it. Not forgetting our loved ones but instead taking their memory forward with us as we went.

Ah, yes, the shower felt good. Warm, then hot, then cooler. Not cold. I’m not a glutton for punishment, but cooler so that the body heat from mowing would dissipate. I hate to get out of a shower still sweating. That’s just nasty. I found myself thinking of all kinds of trivial things, trying NOT to think about Allie. It was hard.

The oven had about 5 minutes left, so I cracked open a beer and leaned up against the cabinet. There was a golf tournament next weekend. I wasn’t planning on being there to play. Six hours away from Allie, to goof off, was not going to happen. I called the club and put my name down. Word gets around pretty quickly. Ron, the club pro, asked if it was true and shared his condolences. He told me he’d missed her since the middle of last summer when she had to stop playing golf herself. Not enough energy. Even when she was riding, she couldn’t finish nine, let alone the whole eighteen. I thanked him and asked him not to put me with Travis or Ralph. He laughed and promised me that wouldn’t happen. We discussed their moving trees and somehow always having soft grass under their approach shots during handicap tournaments and decided the only way to deal with them was to pretend they weren’t cheating assholes and wait for lightning to strike them. He again said he was sorry, and we signed off.

That’s gonna suck. Everyone I see that knows Allie is going to help me share my grief. Again. Human nature. To not want that is extremely selfish on my part. That’s not good. I’ll just deal with it and put another towel on my golf bag. One for my clubs, one for my balls, and one for my tears. Selfish crybaby bastard. Listen to me. It’s been one day and I’m already giving myself shit about it.

The casserole Natalie made me was excellent. The girl could cook. I’m serious. Allie must have taught her everything she knows. Her mother wasn’t all that great at it, so it couldn’t have been her. We’d been over at their house for one reason or another three or four times, and I don’t remember anything made in that house tasting this good. The one big party for their anniversary was catered. Yeah, they spent every penny they made, and more.

The casserole, some more paperwork over a rocks glass with Crown and ice, a couple of action movies on Netflix, then I was changing the sheets and getting ready for bed.

I laid down on my left side, looked in front of me and let the tears roll. This time I had a hand towel. I don’t even remember grabbing it, but was in my hand, wiping my eyes when I needed it.

I woke to the face of a cherub looking down on me. “I’m sorry for barging in, Charlie, but you didn’t answer when I knocked, and I needed to make sure you were OK. Allie’s orders.” She leaned over and kissed my forehead, then my lips, then rose and pointed to the nightstand. “Coffee, one sugar.”

“How was your date?”

“Same-o, same-o. Russians and Romans. He wasn’t as nice as I thought he was. Rushin’ hands and Roamin’ fingers. These guys wonder why girls wear pants and tucked in pullovers on the first date. Stupid boys is all they are. They’ll figure it out someday. We can only hope, for their sake.” She smiled at me. “You OK?”

“Yeah. I think I’ll be OK. Time. I’ll need time. I’m golfing next Saturday. You mind?”

“Of course not. I’m here to take care of you, not run your life. Please let me know what I can do. If you need anything, Charlie, I mean that.” She stood. “I’ll be downstairs. Love you.” She walked out.

I wasn’t going to ask. I wanted to know what she considers love, in this context, but I didn’t have the courage to ask. I could do way more harm than good, and it just didn’t matter at this point. I loved her, too, I knew I did, but she wasn’t date material. I loved her for taking care of my wonderful wife, and I loved her for her consideration toward me, but I needed to heal, and she needed to live her life.

---

We were almost halfway through the school year, Thanksgiving had come and gone, Christmas was nigh upon us, when she mentioned another date. I listened as she talked about him. Scholar, basketball player, tall, buff, he had all the right stuff, as they say. She and a friend were going out with him and one of his friends on a double date after a double header game on Saturday. Her friend and his friend were going steady. They were headed to the movies then home afterwards.

“Do you have any money, baby doll?” She shook her head and looked down again. “Here.” I gave her sixty dollars. “Stick it in your bra. What are you wearing?”

“Levi’s, a belt and a tucked in polo. Both of us are.”

“Good. I don’t trust jocks. I never have, and I never will. Don’t trust anyone but yourself and Allie, baby. I mean that.”

She nodded, kissed me softly on my lips. Pinched my earlobe gently and took a step back. “Thank you, again, Charlie. I love you. Talk tomorrow?” I nodded, she turned and walked out. I was sad. I hurt. I had no idea why, but watching her walking out that door hurt.

I fell asleep on the couch watching Fox News Saturday shows playing for the umpteenth time late into the night.

Startled by the doorbell, I checked to make sure I was dressed and found a beautiful crying waif at my door. I quickly grabbed her in my arms and took her inside to the couch, shutting the door with my foot. With her in my lap and her softly crying, but not saying a word, I just held her. She wrapped her hands around my arm and held on like she’d fall off the earth if she let go.

“This is going to sound really stupid Natalie, but I know something is very wrong, and I want you to talk to me, but I want you to wait until you feel better. Then you can let me know what happened, OK? Just nod. Don’t try to talk. Just nod.” She nodded. I held her and rocked her, just letting her know I was there. I even hummed a little. I couldn’t tell you what tune it was, but I just hummed.

I looked at the clock. Ten thirty. Early by date standards. Her normal time to be home is midnight or something like that on the weekends. I tried not to think the worst. I was rubbing her back. The shirt wasn’t tucked in the back of her jeans. A picture was starting to form. I wasn’t happy. I shouldn’t have done it, but I rubbed her back, and part of what I got was skin. She reached back and raised up the back of her shirt and put my hand on her skin. She nodded.

“It feels better like that. Charlie, all he wanted to do was screw. He pulled my shirt out while he was holding me against him trying to kiss me. He has bad breath. He was rude. He was rough. His friend laughed. I don’t think Sarah and I will be seeing much of each other anymore. She didn’t raise a finger. She doesn’t have a clue. I’m not a slut, Charlie. I am nobody’s piece of ass. I’m a woman, and I won’t be treated like a piece of meat, or a piece of tail. I’m done with boys. Done. Period.”

I just held her and rocked her.

“Did he hurt you?”

“No, not really. I’ll have a bruise on my forearm from where I hit his arm to keep him from grabbing me, but he just got pissed and told me to get out. We were out at the lake. I should have known. Nothing good happens out there if you aren’t trying to get pregnant, and I am certainly not. Not yet, anyway. I caught a ride back with some kids that were leaving. No taxis out there, but I had the money for one.” She snickered through new tears.

“Do you want me to call the police?”

“No. I’m going to take care of it my own way. They can’t do anything to him. I can.” She leaned back away from me a bit and pulled her shirt all the way up. It wasn’t tucked in the front either. She reached down into her bra, basically showing me her entire breast, areola, nipple, and all, pulled the money out and tried to hand it to me.

“No, baby doll, you keep that. I don’t want you anywhere without money anymore. Ever. It’s scary. I ought to give you a credit card and have you set up an Uber account. Can you drive yet?” She nodded. “Maybe you can use Allie’s car.” She fell back into me, crying. “Let me call your parents.”

“Don’t bother. Sniff. They’re in Chicago. Sniff. If they call, I’ll answer.”

“What about if they call the house?”

“Sniff. We don’t have, sniff, a land line, sniff, anymore. Sniff. Cost too much.”

“Oh, baby.” I just held her and rocked her.

She finally settled a bit. When she did, I noticed she was rubbing my chest over my heart. “I love you. Why can’t they be you? Why can’t you be them? I’ll be right back.” She went to the bathroom down the guest hallway, coming back in a long sleeping T-shirt. She’d evidently had them from when she was staying with Allie when I was out of town on business. She climbed right back into my lap. We fell asleep like that. Me holding her and rocking, and humming.

It was dark out. I was jostled. “Charlie, bed. We fell asleep on the couch.” She pulled me up and took me down the hall to bed. She put me in on my side, covered me and kissed me softly again. Her kisses were becoming more and more addictive. Soft. Supple. Warm. She walked away.

That was a preview of The Dawn Beyond the Darkness. To read the rest purchase the book.

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